The past 1,000 years have been packed with triumph and tragedy, war and peace, laughter and tears. Through it all, mankind has sought true love, or at least the occasional one-nighter, with varying degrees of success. As a public service, the Flyer has gathered in one place the wisdom of the ages, namely... The 10 Greatest Pickup Lines of the Last Millennium “I’ve got something that glows in the dark. Wanna see?” — Madame Curie (success rate with this line: 25%) “You know, your eyes sparkle like the rubies and gold that I intend to pillage in the New World. Wanna come along for the ride?” — Balboa, or maybe it was Cortez. No, it was Magellan, pretty sure (success rate: 47%) “Oh, I’ll bet you’d be terrific as the Queen of Spain.” — El Cid (success rate: 34%) “One night with me, my lady, and I promise you will lose your head entirely.” — Henry VIII (success rate: 45%) “Want to turn on? — Thomas Edison (success rate: 12%) “Oh, come on, let’s give it a shot.” — John Wilkes Booth (success rate: never determined) “My dear, my monument is far larger than that Jefferson guy’s.” — George Washington (success rate: 65%) “Why do you think they call me Old Hickory?” — Andrew Jackson (success rate: 59%) “I wanna hold your hand. For starters.” — John, Paul, George, or Ringo (success rate: 80% for John, Paul, and George; 23% for Ringo) “If you don’t do me, you’ll get stuck with Ringo.” — John, Paul, or George (success rate: 95%) “I’ll give you one billion dollars to sleep with me. Cash.” — Bill Gates (success rate: 100%) n — Michael Finger Too Much Monkey Business Human beings aren’t the only ones looking back with pride on the 20th century. Seventy-five years after the Scopes Monkey Trial, the mere mention of Darwin’s theory of natural selection can still put the Christian Right into an ugly little snit. Nonetheless, we must acknowledge in this, our time of frenzied Millennial list-making, that our furry relatives have made tremendous strides in the 20th century. From outer-space to cyber-space, simians are doing it for themselves. 1. DECEMBER 1, 1950. Enewetak Proving Grounds, Marshall Islands — an out-of-work chimpanzee/actor named Bonzo becomes an evil super-genius after his exposure to massive radioactive fallout generated by the detonation of a small “fusion-type device.” Using his superior brain-power, Bonzo lands the title role in the 1951 movie Bedtime for Bonzo, where he meets and subsequently seizes complete physical and mental control over actor Ronald Wilson Reagan III. In an attempt to further a unique political agenda based on public access to affordable cocaine and an irrational fear of foreigners, Bonzo convinces Reagan to run for president of the United States in 1980. In 1999, assuming a false identity and a lilting British accent Bonzo pens a controversial biography of the former world-leader. 2. NOVEMBER 19, 1961. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER — After completing an unprecedented 1,250 hours of training, a chimpanzee named Enos becomes the first primate to orbit the Earth. After his successful recovery Enos shows his gratitude by shaking the hands of his rescuers. This mission was in effect the dress-rehearsal for John Glenn’s historic flight a few months later. 3. JUNE 6, 1980. SACRAMENTO, CA — A chimpanzee named Bear helps hapless truck-driver B.J. McKay escape from the dim-witted Sheriff Lobo and even dimmer Deputy Perkins — AGAIN. 4. APRIL 14, 1998. CYBERSPACE — The world-famous gorilla/artist Koko who has learned to communicate with humans using American Sign Language takes part in an on-line chat. When asked what she wants for her birthday, Koko replies, “Food and smokes.” 5. GEORGIA STATE UNIVERSITY — Panbanisha, a Bonobo chimp who has learned to communicate with humans using a computer keyboard, takes part in what is believed to be the first case of inter-species gossip. The chatty chimp warns her trainer that two of the other monkeys taking part in the same research project aren’t getting along very well. 6. JULY 1968. APE CITY — Two chimpanzees named Cornelius and Zira, under the direction of crabby orangutan Dr. Zaius, capture future NRA president and spokesperson Charlton Heston. Their sadly thwarted attempt to remove a chunk of Heston’s brain (the area governing speech and communication) remains one of the greatest humanitarian efforts of the late 20th century. 7. KANPUR INDIA — Monkeys may not be able to write Hamlet yet, but that does not mean that they are incapable of experiencing the range of complex emotions captured in the bard’s immortal work. It is reported that a female monkey threw herself onto a high tension wire and electrocuted herself. Witnesses claim that the female had visited the site every day since her mate had thrown himself onto the same wire 10 days before. 8. JANUARY 23, 1976. MEMPHIS — A gang of monkeys successfully plans and executes an escape from Monkey Island, a featured attraction at the Memphis Zoo. The renegade monkeys take up residence at the nearby Parkway House, torment the residents, and elude authorities for nearly two weeks. Though not actually a great simian achievement, the monkeys’ leader (who has asked to remain unidentified) claims that the escape was just the first stage of an elaborate plan, which included breaking into the Velsicol plant on Jackson Avenue in order to bathe in radioactive chemicals, thereby becoming super-intelligent. 9. AUG 12, 1997. MEMPHIS — Beverly Pressgrove is fired from her job as a nurse in the emergency unit of Methodist Hospital for attempting to resuscitate a dying baby chimpanzee. It is reported that the chimp’s owner entered the unit screaming, “Save my baby! Save my baby!” Convincing arguments have since been made that the expression, “My baby,” was not being used here as a term of endearment, rather that this alleged “chimp” was the product of a failed attempt to crossbreed humans and chimpanzees, thus creating a new race of super-intelligent half-apes. One expert noted, “Previous attempts to generate merely ‘super-intelligent’ simians through the more conventional uses of radiation and/or radioactive chemicals have resulted in an abundance of ‘evil-geniuses’ among both the Greater and Lesser Apes.” Our expert goes on to say, “The sub-human primates are gentle and loving by nature. They only wish to be super intelligent. They have no interest in becoming ‘evil.’” — Chris Davis