The Potty Penalty Nowhere to go at The Delph. by Walter Jowers The only good news to come from the Dolphins’ miserable, lay-down surrender to the Jaguars: Football-watching men are through with standing in the extra-long mens’ urination lines at the Adelphia Coliseum. If the people in charge of the Coliseum’s 868 commodes and urinals have any common sense — and any hair on their ass — they’ll make things right before next fall’s pre-season games. Now don’t think I’m complaining about my overall football enjoyment. I’ve had a large time. It’s just that I’ve missed every minute of every halftime. At every game, I had to spend 15 to 20 minutes standing in line, rubbing up against people I don’t know just so I can get a little bladder relief. While I’m standing in the pee line, making all kinds of new acquaintances, the women in the Coliseum can take care of all their bathroom business without even breaking stride. That’s because we men have 288 total “conveniences,” in the form of 70 commodes and 218 urinals, while the women have 580 commodes, all to themselves. Who do we have to thank for this? Our politicians, guided by Cornell University research showing that women spent twice as much time as men in public bathrooms, declared that our Adelphia Coliseum must have two female peeing places for every male peeing place. Never mind that HOK, the architectural firm that designed the Coliseum, suggested a 1.3/1 to 1.5/1 ratio. We weren’t going to listen to any pointy-headed architects. We were going to by-god follow the mandate of the Tennessee Equitable Restrooms Act. Here’s what the politicians missed: Unlike a big government office building, where half or more of the people inside are likely to be women, the football stadium is mostly fulla men. I don’t have any scientific data, but I can tell you from just looking around, there are about three or four men for every woman. Seems to me, somebody should’ve taken this into account. Each rest room has an in door and an out door. And so, each rest room has its little group of dumb asses who think they’ll get in faster if they go in the out door. It doesn’t work that way. The out doors are at the commode end of the rest room, not the urinal end. There’s a lot of waiting on the commode end. At the urinal end, there are five urinals on the wall. Behind each urinal, there’s a line of five or six men. I’ve heard some people complain that there’s too much wasted space between the urinals, and that the urinals should be crammed closer together. Sorry, but that’s the kind of sub-par thinking that got us into this sorry mess. First, men do not need to be rubbing up against each other while they pee. It’s not natural. It makes the hackles on a man’s neck stand up. Second, you have to allow room for big men at a pro-football stadium. That’s who shows up. Just look around. You can count the beanpole, knobby-kneed Unabomber types on one hand. Third, there has to be a little alley between urinals, so when somebody finishes peeing, he can turn around and walk out. I’m amazed I have to explain this. If we really want to speed things up, we should have a few special mens’ rooms for guys who can’t pee fast. There’s nothing worse than being just one man back from the urinal, stuck behind a guy who just can’t pee in public. Seconds seem like minutes, minutes seem like days. You just want to say, “Let loose, Bubba, or get to the back of the line.” Clearly, we’ve got to do something. Understand, I’m not saying that we ought to change to potty ratio so much that the women have to wait. That would be wrong-headed, and impolite besides. But I will say this: About a third of those womens’ rooms need to be converted to mens’ rooms in the off-season. Either that, or we ought to just declare all the Coliseum rest rooms unisex. You can e-mail Helter Shelter at walter.jowers@nashville.com.