by Tim Sampson thursday, february 17 It's a good thing I am not opinionated. Because if I were opinionated, that would mean my opinions would be that of a man who spent his Friday night watching an E! True Hollywood Story, the subject of which was Gilligan's Island. Not only watching it, but also being very interested in it. Especially the part about Ginger, who apparently was a real bitch. It seems that Tina Louise (aka Ginger, for those of you who had no childhood or have just moved here from a Third World country and haven't finished studying the important things that helped shape this country) was under the impression that the series was going to be about a movie star who got shipwrecked and the little people who were also on the boat would be merely props to surround her and make her the star of the show. Which could explain why she had the entire MGM wardrobe of evening gowns with her on a three-hour cruise. Must have been something in her contract. And when she found out that she was indeed not the star nor the main focus of the show, E! says that she made life miserable for everyone on the set. Especially Mary Ann, who got more fan mail. Why am I writing about this? I have no idea. It has something to do with something, but I don't know. I guess the point I was trying to make is that you really shouldn't pay any attention to anything written by someone who would spend a Friday night enthralled in such matters. Between that show and the one on pygmy animals, I was thoroughly entertained. A friend tried to get me to go to Tunica, but I knew I would lose any money on me. In the vending machines. I can easily see myself walking past one of the snack machines, seeing three Snickers bars lined up next to each other, and pumping a bucket of quarters in waiting for the payoff. So pay no attention to me. Actually, it's kind of nice not to have any opinions. Take the presidential race. I hear people all the time talking very passionately about it, like the outcome is really going to change their lives in some way. I, on the other hand, care only about the way the candidates look. George Bush Jr.: Beady eyes that are way too close together, which makes him quite suspect. How could anyone vote for someone who looks that creepy? Bill Bradley: A disheveled mess. Always looks like he's slept in his clothes. Not horrible, but not presidential. John McCain: Very, very handsome as a young man, but now looks like his head could explode at any minute. It's something about his neck. Looks like a tire with too much air in it. Suggests volatility, not a good trait for a president. Al Gore: What in the world happened to him? He used to look pretty good, but now looks like he should be perched up on a turret overlooking a moat. Kind of gives me the willies. And it probably scares the hell out of his kids, who, as they think about growing older, must be hoping they got their mom's genes. No, I can't really see voting for any of them, because of the way they look. That's how shallow I am. So I'm glad I have no opinion about it. I do, however, still find myself caring about Pat VanderSchaaf. I read this morning that the city council is thinking about publicly condemning her actions; that is, of course, in reference to her recent shoplifting arrest. Public condemnation. It sounds like something out of the Middle Ages. Don't they think she's suffered enough? And now she's in good company, because film critic Rex Reed was also arrested for shoplifting. Yes, they nabbed him Saturday at Tower Records in New York, trying to steal three CDs. Just like the case with VanderSchaaf, I find this sad, because it's obvious that such behavior is a sign that something much deeper is wrong. And which CDs did Rex try to pocket? Peggy Lee, Mel Torme, and Carmen McRae. How humiliating is that? Why not just walk around with a big sign on his back that reads "Tired Old Queen"? What a mess. I can't wait to hear more about this one. In the meantime, I guess it's time to get around to the real point of all this, what's going on around town this week. Tonight there are a couple of plays opening: Escape From Happiness at Rhodes College's McCoy Theatre, and The Taming of the Shrew at the University of Memphis. And down at The Orpheum, it's opening night of the Be Careful What You Pray For Gospel Show, with, among others, Cuba Gooding Sr. and the incredible Shirley Murdock. At B.B. King's there's a Beale Street Caravan radio show taping with Roomful of Blues, while just across the street at Elvis Presley's Memphis, yes, it's the Dempseys (y'all just leave the money for me in the usual place). friday, february 18 And there's yet more theater tonight. Opening at the Harrell Performing Arts Theatre in Collierville is the musical comedy Nunsense; the Memphis Black Repertory Theatre is opening its run of The All-Night Strut at TheatreWorks; and Cinderella opens at the Morgan Woods Theatre. And there are a couple of art openings tonight. There's a reception for "Body & Self" at Cooper Street Gallery, and "Purdypichurse" opens at the Art Farm Gallery of Fine Art. As for music, Kenny Wayne Shepherd is at the Horseshoe Casino in Tunica, while the Four Tops are down the road at Sam's Town. Around here, the Onestone Reggae Band is at Automatic Slim's; the Distraxshuns are at Patrick's; Reba Russell is singing at Black Diamond on Beale; Wanda Jackson & Rose Flores are at the High-Tone Cafe; there's a CD-release party for Gran Torino at Newby's; and last but certainly not least, Those Bastard Souls with Delorean are at the Last Place on Earth. saturday, february 19 Hmm. Not much going on tonight at all, so I have just three words: Kamp Karefree, and Whew. If there's a band playing, all the better. If not, it's still well worth the trip. It's on Horseshoe Lake and if you don't already know about it, you'll just have to find it yourself. I'd say find it. Back home, Ed, Clanky's Nub, and Filthy Diablo are at Young Avenue Deli. The T.J. Graham Quartet is at In the Grove. And while I haven't been there yet, I feel compelled to mention that at Cafe Cali, Saturday nights offer up "professional female impersonators hosted by Miss Mid-South Jasmine Sinclair." Something tells me this may also be worth the trip. sunday, february 20 And speaking of female impersonators, there's a tribute tonight to the woman who inspired generations of them. She also, according to sources who knew her well, refused to get in her limousine if it wasn't liberally stocked with vodka and grapefruit juice. What a woman. Tonight's Judy Garland The Rainbow Comes to MemphOz, Tennessee at the New Daisy is a big fund-raiser for the Friend for Life Resource Center, and features Teresa Pate, Gary Johns, Sandra Bray, the Memphis Jazz Orchestra, and lots of others, including the emcee, that kooky Leon Griffin from Channel 13. Also, look for the artwork by Jeffrey Unthank. monday, february 21 Wine tasting at Jarrett's. tuesday, february 22 Your guess is as good as mine. wednesday, february 23 Harry and David at the Blue Monkey. And that, as they say, is that. As always, I truly don't care what you do this week, because I don't even know you, and unless you're the person whose crystal meth lab exploded in Parkway Village, inspiring an article in The Commercial Appeal, which stated that crystal meth users, or "tweakers," while away the hours "engaged in bizarre activities such as dismantling car engines and putting them back together" (I see not much has changed in the old Village since I lived there in its 1970s heyday), then I'm sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this dump and go see if I can get away with shoplifting some CDs that feature show-tune compilations. You can e-mail Tim Sampson at letters@memphisflyer.com.