by Tim Sampson thursday, february 24 Have any of you ever tried to smoke a joint in the parking lot at Wolfchase Galleria? Well, wayward as I tend to be at times two friends not yet old enough to drive left a cocktail shaker on my front porch the other day as a gift neither have I. And I would NOT recommend it. I recently attempted a trip there. It was on a Saturday, and my intention was to go to the cinema to see American Beauty again, because it's the best movie I've seen in a long time and if it doesn't win all eight Oscars for which it's nominated, I'll be very upset or at least as upset as someone who cares passionately about staggeringly little can be. For which I no longer blame myself. I mean, look around. I tried to watch the news the other morning to see what was going on. It was so boring they were reporting good news the lack of life-threatening weather, a new collection of Barbie gowns that replicates inaugural gowns worn by First Ladies, Cats finally ending its run on Broadway. Then, they had to go and conjure up something about the presidential race. They tried their best to make it seem important, and I tried to seem remotely interested, but the only thing I could focus on was the proliferation of the "presidential dance." Why these people insist on having music at their political rallies and trying to dance to it is a true mystery. I actually saw Al Gore trying to rock out to a gospel choir in Harlem. Even my cat rolled her eyes. Hillary was with him and she wasn't too bad, probably because she went to her share of gay bars before she got stuck in the White House. I was briefly enchanted with John McCain's wife because I finally saw her and she looked like Dina Merrill on hypnotic sedatives, and what more could one possibly ask for than that? But then I saw her attempt the rally dance and that was that. Back on the pills, honey. But enough about all that and back to this business about trying to go to the Wolfchase Galleria. Very proud of myself, I made a valiant effort to drive there alone. Yes, I've been before, but as a passenger, which meant I could keep my eyes shut and take deep breaths until we got inside Pottery Barn. And granted, I am innately petrified of many places. I can't tell you how much time I spend driving around looking for places that look safe to go into. It takes hours, and I always end up either at Target or in some rural area of Arkansas, which, I know, makes gravity seem questionable. If anyone knew how much time I spent there staring at the landscape and the sky with squinted eyes pretending that I'm surveying the acreage I've just bought in Maine, I'm sure the Department of Human Services would take away my imaginary children. (Of course, it didn't faze me to wander up and down McLemore Avenue the other night wearing a tuxedo.) And granted, I could have gone to, say, the Raleigh Springs Mall, and run the highly possible risk of being in a checkout line behind someone sporting a mullet. No, not wearing a fish on his or her head, but having that hairstyle made famous by Michael Bolton, referred to by someone the other night as a 10-90 10 percent on top and 90 percent on bottom. But I tried to go to Wolfchase. It was like coming over a ridge and suddenly being in one of those horror movies about bees. Millions upon millions of cars and people all circling around and cutting each other off and racing toward the chance of finding a parking space and trying desperately to get in and, much more desperately, to get out. And no one seeming to get anywhere. And there are no escape routes. I looked. Once in, you are trapped in the swarm. I hate to sound like a snobby Midtowner, but I've just never seen anything like it. I pity the person with a small bladder who goes near there. If those of you of the Catholic persuasion want a peek at what it's going to be like in Purgatory, head out there about 5:00 on a Saturday afternoon and feast your eyes. In the meantime, I guess it's time to stop wasting ink and get around to what the point of all this is somehow supposed to be: what's going on around town this week. Tonight, Escape From Happiness opens at Rhodes College's McCoy Theatre. And downtown at Thompson & Company at Peabody Place, there's an opening reception for a show by Charles Macgowan and Jimmy Descant, with live music by Jay Kirgis. In Tunica, Styx is at the Horseshoe Casino; and for a blast from the '70s past, America is at the Gold Strike Casino. friday, february 25 Kudos Germantown Performing Arts Centre for bringing in the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater, which starts their weekend run tonight. Also kicking off its weekend today is the Madonna Circle Memphis Antique, Garden, and Gourmet Show, with more than 60 dealers selling all manner of finery. And if you want to buy some vinyl, stop by the Main Library for the Friends of the Library Record Sale. There's a CD release show by Beanpole at Newby's tonight. And Artistry in Memphis: A Salute to Stan Kenton at In the Grove features the Carl Wolfe Big Band with Teresa Pate. saturday, february 26 If you want to dress up like your favorite work of art and help out a worthy cause, there's tonight's Memphis College of Art Beaux Arts Costume Ball, with proceeds benefiting MCA's scholarship fund. And if you just want to dress up and help out a worthy cause AND hear one of the greatest recording groups in history, plop down the cash (tickets are $200-$500) and go to tonight's Memphis Heart Gala 2000 at The Peabody, an American Heart Association fund-raiser that celebrates various aspects of Memphis culture, and features not only a menu by Chef Jose Gutierrez, but also live music by the Staple Singers, former Stax Records superstars and a group I'd rather hear than just about any I can think of. The Memphis Symphony Orchestra is playing somewhere in there as well. In other live music, there's a Johnny Cash Birthday Party at the Arcade Restaurant tonight; and the Subteens with the Forty Fives & Guests are at Young Avenue Deli. sunday, february 27 I'm still just too worn out by all that to be very enthusiastic about anything going on today, although hearing Di Anne Price & Her Boyfriends tonight at Huey's Downtown does sound fun, as does Lucero at the Hi-Tone Cafe. monday, february 28 You tell me. tuesday, february 29 Ah, here it is. The day that only comes around every four years. And if you want to get out and celebrate it, there's a wine tasting back at In the Grove; the Memphis Acoustic Troubadours Showcase is at the Flying Saucer; Chris Cornell is at the New Daisy; and Nancy Apple with Dwayne Jarvis is at the Blue Monkey. wednesday, march 1 If you're looking for something that doesn't entail hanging around a bar (just thought I'd throw it in), tonight's Memphis Brooks Museum of Art Wednesday Evening Series features live entertainment, dinner and cocktails at the Brushmark Restaurant, and a lecture by U of M art department chairman Jed Jackson "What's Going on in Prague?" And that, leap-year maniacs, is just about that. As always, I haven't a care in the world as to what you do this week or any other, because I don't even know you, and unless you are the person who e-mailed the letter telling me how much your fellow inmates at the prison in Arizona enjoy reading this, and how you are now out and back to your career in Hollywood, I'm sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this trap and go see if they put a wine spot on Betty Ford's inaugural Barbie gown. You can e-mail Tim Sampson at letters@memphisflyer.com.