by Tim Sampson thursday, march 23 After stumbling out of a cabin the other morning to feed catfish strips to a dog with a broken hip and then discussing the various downsides of syphilis at breakfast (nothing worse than having syphilis at breakfast) with some really nice folks in a nearby cafe -- this on the heels of receiving something that made me very happy: a bumper sticker that reads, FREE VANDERSCHAFF -- I began to have one of those conversations with myself in which I: A) debate on whether to change my medication and B) well, there is no B and there is no point to any of that. I'm just trying to fill space here for the 600th or so time, and let me tell you it can make a body weary. Last week, I mentioned a couple of weird headlines in the paper -- something about dwarfs raising funds for political campaigns. Or something. Hell, that was last week. Thankfully, a friend informed me that other newspapers tend to write strange headlines at times, and provided me with a list she thought I would find interesting. Hopefully, so will you, although I'm not too concerned about it because, as you'll read later in this space, I don't even know you, so I don't care. You're probably people who make a living in some dignified way and I can't relate. Anyway, some of the headlines were rather attention-grabbing, like, MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE. This has to be the same guy who went into a bar not long ago really drunk and unruly, asking for jumper cables, at which point the bartender gave him a pair and said, "Just don't start anything." Then there's KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS, not, one can only hope, a story about Jeffrey Dahmer. And how about BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS. I've always contended that the British were wasteful slobs. PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE. Love that one. Maybe that's why he's apologizing for everything the Catholics have done wrong for the past 2,000 years. And then there was TWO SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER. Hmm, must have been in Millington. DRUNKS GET NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE. Did I say something earlier about little people? JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT. There's one for you anti-death penalty crusaders. Here's one that's to the point: IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE. Written, no doubt for the sisters who worked in the same checkout counter in Millington for 18 years without knowing it. Or for someone else. I really don't know, and I really don't feel like discussing it any further. So let's dispense with all this and get on with what is supposed to be the real point of all this: what's going on around town this week. Tonight, Smokey Robinson is at the Horseshoe Casino down in Tunica. And up here north of the border, the Dempseys (as always, which is a Good Thing) are at Elvis Presley's Memphis; Caliente is at Alfred's; the Beale Street Caravan is at B.B. King's with the Bilhaman Brothers; and while I haven't had a chance to get there yet, just the thought of Improv Comedy at the Hard Luck Cafe on McLemore sounds great. And while you're on McLemore, if you want to experience one of the best lunches or dinners or parties in town, stop in at the corner of McLemore and College, just down from the old Stax site, and find Sadie's (look for the "Disco Breakfast" sign). You won't be disappointed. Well, unless you're an imbecile. friday, march 24 One play opening tonight -- The Boys in the Band, presented by the Emerald Theatre Company -- and a lot of art openings. At Jack Kenner Gallery, there's a reception for students' work from the Lucien Clergue workshop; the Rhodes College Annual Juried Art Exhibit opens at the school's Clough-Hanson Gallery; "Henry Easterwood: Tapestries/Constructions" opens at Memphis College of Art; there's a reception for an exhibit by Wyatt Waters at the Southside Gallery in Oxford (always worth a road trip); and last but most certainly not least, the new Jay Etkin Gallery opens tonight down on Main Street, and the festivities include a sampling of works by local artists, along with music, dancers, theater performances, and art films. After 10 years of running one of the best galleries in the city at Cooper Street Gallery, Etkin deserves a hell of a party, so go. As for music, Percy Sledge is at the Grand Casino; Bo Diddley is playing the Horseshoe Casino; the David Bowen Group is at Automatic Slim's; and, well, I'm sure there's more but I really need to finish this and get the hell away from this computer. saturday, march 25 Lots more live music tonight. For the cultured among you, out there trying hopelessly to survive among the great unwashed, Opera Memphis' production of Aida, featuring Barbara Dever, opens tonight at The Orpheum. The Memphis Acoustic Music Association is hosting a concert by Peter Keane with Cory Branan at Otherlands Coffee Bar. The Shirelles are playing at tonight's University of Memphis Distinguished Alumni Awards Banquet at The Peabody. And in barland, Dash Rip Rock and R.B. Morris are at the Hi-Tone Cafe; Carl Wolfe & the In the Grove All-Star Jazz Orchestra are at In the Grove (this place is doing a fabulous job); there's a Memphis Roots Revival show with Nancy Apple at Newby's; and at the New Daisy, there's a show by Dust for Life, along with the real band to hear, Accidental Mersh. These wild men are rockers to be reckoned with, so make sure you hear them while you can afford it. Also today, if you want to shop and help out a very worthy cause, stop by the Humane Society Garage Sale to Benefit the Animals at Chickasaw Oaks Shopping Plaza. sunday, march 26 So old Huey's Midtown is celebrating its 30th anniversary this afternoon. How can you not go wish them well? The party features live music by Smokin' Joe Kubek, Anson & the Rockets, Big Jack Johnson, the Cate Brothers, and the Lakesiders. And if you're itching to see Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening win their Oscars, you can do it in style at Oscar Night Party at the Memphis Brooks Museum of Art, where you can watch the show, as well as see a Nicole Miller fashion show, and bid on movie-industry items in a silent auction -- presented by Hands on Memphis and the Memphis Film Forum. And at the Blue Monkey tonight, it's live music by rockabilly honkytonk guitar whiz Bill Kirchen, former guitarist for Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen, most famous for their hit "Hot Rod Lincoln" (I knew something drove me to drinkin'). monday, march 27 Memphis All-Star Jam at the Tap House. tuesday, march 28 Memphis Acoustic Troubadours Showcase with Wayne Leeloy at the Flying Saucer. wednesday, march 29 Pub Quiz at Kudzu's, and now I am finally out of space, time, and smack. As always, and as I mentioned earlier, I really don't care what you do this week, because I don't even know you, and unless you can provide me with the photographs that accompanied the story with the headline LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUTS CUT IN HALF, then I'm sure I never want to meet you. Besides, I have to go watch television. Someone just told me that there's a Bud Davis Cadillac commercial on, advertising their cars to discriminating buyers, and I must see it. You can e-mail Tim Sampson at letters@memphisflyer.com.