— Confused About the Future

Dear Confused,

If you feel a need to be single, and you don't think counseling will help, then it’s time for you to be single. Plain and simple. Coming to that decision is not easy, but following through with a breakup will be much harder.

You’ll be tempted to put it off and try talk yourself out of a split. After all, 14 years is a long time, and it’s easy to get comfortable with familiar routines. If you still love your partner, you’ll also struggle with the pain you know a breakup will cause.

Excuse the cliche, but you really have to follow your heart. It sounds like you two have grown apart, and there’s usually no coming back from that. To make the break-up process easier, you can try gradually separating yourself. Start going out with friends, even when he’d rather stay at home. Pursue hobbies or interests that he isn’t into. These actions will hopefully hint to him that the relationship is coming to an end.

When you finally break the news that you’re moving on with your life, he may be more mentally prepared if he’s had a few weeks of such hints. But don’t drag the process out too long. When you’re finally ready to do the deed, explain that you feel that you’ve grown apart. Tell him you love him, but you need to be single. Tell him you hope you can still be friends after the initial pain has subsided.

He may even thank you later for helping him move on with his life. It sounds like neither of you is happy with the status quo. Good luck!

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca @ bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Slowly Emerging from the Closet

Dear Slowly Emerging,

Wouldn’t it be nice if telling folks that you’re gay could be as simple as expressing your love for peanut butter sandwiches or NASCAR? Well, on second thought, maybe admitting you like NASCAR would be taboo in some circles as well.

Hopefully, one day we’ll evolve into a world where no one cares if you’re gay or straight. Until then, you have to jump through the sometimes-uncomfortable coming out hoops. And coming out to your male peers may be the hardest part, especially if they’re super-macho straight guys with a grudge against gay people.

You’re right to tell them rather than have them learn on their own. For one thing, telling as many people as possible helps foster understanding and compassion for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community. If people know and like a gay person, they’ll be less likely to vote against gay rights when those issues are on the ballot.

On a more personal note, your friends will be more likely to accept your homosexuality if they hear about it from you. I’d suggest telling them individually. Break the news gently, and if your friends are the macho anti-gay types, be certain to mention that you’re not attracted to them in any way. It might seem silly that they’d even suspect such a thing, but straight men who haven’t had any exposure to gay folks don’t always immediately understand that not every gay man will be attracted to them.

Some of them could turn their back on you for a bit, so go into the situation expecting the worst, so you won’t be let down. If these guys are your true friends, they’ll come around in time. You may just be the first gay person they know, and that can shape their ideas and opinions about GLBT folks for the rest of their lives.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Sleepless Roommate

Dear Sleepless,

I’m going to tell you what I’ve told so many letter-writers before you — keep it in your pants. Sleeping with your roommate will only cause problems the next day. I don’t know if this scenario would legally be considered rape, but the fact that she wouldn’t remember a thing means you’d be taking advantage of her.

I once watched an episode of 48 Hours Investigates, in which some teen guys had sex with a very drunk girl at a party. She didn’t remember a thing, but the guys stupidly videotaped the ordeal. The tape got leaked, and though they claimed she was willing, the teens were charged with rape. Don’t put yourself in that situation. However, you may be able to use the situation to her advantage. And it does involve a video camera.

According to a March 2006 article in The Washington Post, sleepwalking is a very rare side effect of the popular sleep aid, Ambien. The article stated that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration had received reports of people eating and even driving while sleepwalking on the drug. Some incidents, the article stated, have led to criminal charges.

But Sanofi-Aventis, the makers of Ambien, claim these incidents are uncommon. Most common side effects include diarrhea, dizziness, and headaches. It sounds like your roommate ought to consult her doctor about switching sleep aids. You say she isn’t concerned enough to stop taking the drug, but maybe her sleepwalking sexcapades could work in her favor here.

The next time she comes enters your room naked, have your video camera ready. A voice recorder or still camera would also work. But make sure you record her behavior. Be certain, of course, to refuse any of her advances.

The next day, when she’s thanking you for tossing her back into her own room, break out the recording from the previous night. She may be quite embarrassed at what she sees. If that doesn’t lead her to change sleep aids, I don’t know what will.

Of course, you’ll also want to let her erase the video or pictures so they don’t accidentally end up on YouTube.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Mouth of the South

Dear Mouth,

Honesty is generally the best policy, but you’ve got to maintain some tact as well. It’s all about balance.

For example, if your friend tries on a dress in the store, and she asks your opinion, it’s okay to tell her the dress makes her look like a frumpy, knocked-up housewife. But if your friend already owns such a dress, that comment’s not okay. She’s already paid for it. She obviously likes it, and that would probably hurt her feelings.

People love honesty, but only to a degree. No one wants to be told they’re fat. They already know they’re fat, and they’re either fine with it or they’ve got some serious esteem issues because of it. The key to shutting your big mouth is thinking before you speak. Imagine how what you say will make others feel.

It might help to assign yourself a punishment every time you blurt out things you shouldn’t. This will take a little self-discipline, and it sounds like you could use some.

For example, if you value your evening TV time, go a night without Glee every time you say something inappropriate. Or you could try going without dessert or skipping happy hour. It’s a little like being grounded, only you’re inflicting your own punishment. At the end of this exercise, you may have better luck zipping your lips.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— The Ladies’ Man

Dear Ladies Man,

Much like communism or late-night, drunken runs to a Taco Bell drive-thru, open relationships are good in theory but often so not much in real life. Communism gets tyrannical and late-night burritos give you gas the next day. Open relationships mostly result in jealousy and inevitable break-ups.

My best advice for you: keep it in your pants (I feel like I say that a lot in this column, but it’s no-fail advice). You’ve only met this woman on the Internet. You don’t really know anything about her. She might be a 12-year-boy, or worse, Chris Hanson from To Catch a Predator. How would your current girlfriend feel if you were busted for an Internet meet-up on Dateline NBC? Seriously, since you two have discussed your boundaries and established an open relationship, I suppose you’re well within your rights to hook up with the new lady. But start with an honest meet-up for coffee, no sex. Get to know her and make sure you’re willing to put everything on the line for a lay before you dive in.

You don’t have to tell your girlfriend that you’re meeting with the woman if you’re not having sex with her. But, as outlined in your own rules, you’ll have to let your girlfriend know if you do decide to go all the way.

Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t take it as well as she thinks she will. Jealousy and emotions may override the rules. Don’t act on the open relationship unless you’re ready to accept the potential consequences.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— The Other Man

Dear Other Man,

What a skeezy lady! This situation totally sucks, especially considering that you were beginning to fall for her. However, the husband ordeal is her problem, not yours.

First things first: Break things off immediately. And be sure to let her know exactly why you’re cutting her off. She needs to know that her secret is out. Not only was she cheating on her husband, but she’s been totally playing you. Erase her number from your phone and have nothing more to do with the woman.

As for her husband, it’s unfortunate that he’s in the dark about her cheating ways, but it’s not your place to get involved. Like you said, he may kill you. Or at least break your face.

If she continues to cheat, her husband will probably find out. But if you really feel so guilty, have a chat with the friend who called you. Maybe she should take the information to the husband, but if she decides to do so, ask her to promise to leave your name out.

In the future, keep it in your pants until you’ve at least visited your girl's house. If you see his and hers toothbrushes in the bathroom or man-sized clothes in the closet, stay away.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Worried Best Bud

Dear Worried,

It's awfully nice of you to stress over your friend's problems. As her best friend, you have a responsibility to be supportive, no matter which route she chooses. Don't push her into a decision. She could blame you later if she feels like you helped her make the wrong choice.

That said, it wouldn't be a bad idea to help her weigh the options. After all, at least the guy is trying to sort out his feelings first, rather than immediately re-hooking-up with his ex. And it's commendable that he admitted to spending time with his ex. Many guys would have conveniently left that part out of the weekend recap.

If your friend waits for a week or so to give the boyfriend some time, he may realize that he loves her more and ditch his ex for good. But if he reaches that decision, she'll need some kind of assurance that he's done with the ex. No more hometown visits for him without his girlriend for a while.

But your friend shouldn't wait around too long. If the guy hasn't made up his mind in a few days, she should dump him and move on. Have a "girl's night out" plan in place to see her through the initial part of her break-up.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Way Out of the Closet

Dear Way Out,

Your boyfriend has a right to come out to his parents whenever he feels comfortable doing so. No one knows parents better than their own children, and if he feels like their religious values would get in the way of their acceptance, then maybe he’s right to hold off until he’s comfortable.

That said, I’m a big proponent of folks coming out. If people on the far religious right knew more gay people, they’d probably be more sympathetic to equal rights and protections.

Relationships between parents and their gay offspring can be delicate, and even though he’s 35, he may not want to risk losing the love of his mom and dad. When he is ready to come out, they may indeed freak out, but chances are they’ll eventually come around and accept him for who he is. Many parents of gay kids have some suspicions even if they refuse to admit it to themselves. It’s possible that they’ve been getting used to the idea for years, just waiting for their son to come out.

Be patient with him. Maybe after his parents have left town, you can have a heart-to-heart about planning his coming-out talk. But don’t push the envelope now, since their impending visit is right around the corner.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com

— Not As Bitchy As I Sound

Dear Not As Bitchy,

Over the course of a year, it’s hard not to get close to your friends' significant others. This woman apparently didn’t have friends of her own to begin with or she’s lost them somewhere along the way.

Unfortunately, for you and the women in your group, that means your shoulders may be the only ones she has to cry on. The break-up is still relatively fresh, and it’s best that she’s not left to deal with her emotions alone. Although you’re not crazy about her company, it’s your duty as a woman to be there for her through these tough times.

You and your other friends could even be proactive about her healing. Take her out to meet new people, and maybe she’ll form relationships with other girlfriends and possibly even a new dude. When she seems to have improved emotionally, it will be easier to pull away. But be gentle in letting her down. When she calls to schedule a night out, tell her you’re busy and you may not be free for a while. Maybe she’ll take the hint. This is a case where a little white lie may be the best way to go.

In the nicest way possible, you may also need to let her know that her ex has been your friend for years. Explain to her that you’re not going to stop hanging out with him, and if she insists on going out with you and your friends, she’ll have no choice but to run into him. And how awkward would that be, right?

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— The Crazy Liberal

Dear Crazy,

Though I can’t speak from experience in this situation (the Flyer office is packed with crazy liberals), I can tell you what I’d do if I were in your position. However, if my advice fails, don’t say you weren’t warned.

The best way to really get to know new people is spend a little time together at a bar. After the second or third (or fourth) cocktail, you’ll get a pretty good picture of their personality, likes, dislikes, etc. Hell, they may even divulge a few stories that you’d rather you hadn't heard.

Invite your colleagues to a happy hour. There may be some teetotalers in the office, but you’ll probably get a few folks to come. The idea is to find one or two office allies/friends, so your job will seem a more pleasant.

Be careful about bringing up politics. As the adage goes, “Alcohol and politics don’t mix.” Try to find other common ground with your co-workers. (If you really want to talk politics, save that for when all of you are sober.)

If, after drinking with them, you still can't relate to any of your new office-mates, just be thankful you got a promotion in this economy. Your co-workers might suck, but at least you’ve got co-workers to complain about.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Patient Wife & Friend

Dear Patient Wife & Friend,

This is quite a predicament. On one hand, you’re still mending a fragile marriage, and it’s commendable that your husband is attempting to give work a backseat after so many years of neglecting you. But on the other hand, you have to understand that your best buds were there for you when your husband was not. They may be feeling a bit betrayed, now that the man who never joined the group is suddenly interested in becoming involved in your social life.

However, that doesn’t make their lack of acceptance okay. They should at least give your husband a chance to show that he’s not the “arrogant, uncaring, work-obsessed asshole” they thought he was. Let your friends know that their disapproval of your husband hurts your feelings. Explain that you’re giving him a second chance and they should as well.

There's no need to fill your husband in on your friends’ opinion of him. That may only hurt his feelings and push him away from hanging out with the group. Hopefully, in time, your buds will begin to see the new man that you see in your husband. Until then, be patient.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Midtown Newbie

Dear Midtown Newbie,

My first apartment in Memphis was on a shabby stretch of Monroe Avenue. On my third day there, I was welcomed to the neighborhood by a local prostitute, who knocked on my door to ask for a ride. I also once had a guy ask if he could duck into my apartment to hit his crack pipe so his wife wouldn’t see him. Having moved here from a small town in Arkansas, I was pretty blown away by the situation.

Since then, I’ve lived in several other Midtown neighborhoods, some better than others. Currently, I’m situated in a cute historic neighborhood with a high rate of home break-ins. My home has been burglarized twice since last November, so I’ve taken a few common-sense precautions. Obviously, an alarm system is a great investment, as are surveillance cameras. Always keep all doors and windows locked. That may sound silly, but my first break-in happened when I forgot to lock a window. If possible, have bars installed on lower windows.

Purchase renter’s insurance. I didn’t have that after my first break-in and I’ll never be reimbursed for the stolen rings, cameras, and DVDs. After my desktop iMac was stolen in my most recent break-in (after I’d gotten some renter’s insurance), I used the insurance funds to buy a laptop. That laptop and my camera go with me everywhere now. Sure, they’re sometimes a hassle to tote around, but they can also be pretty handy, especially in my line of work. Unfortunately, there are no crazy Midtown crackhead repellants on the market. But someone should look into inventing that.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com

— The Weekend Drinker

Dear Weekend Drinker,

There’s a fine balance between respecting your friends’ addictions and managing your own happiness. On one hand, alcohol could be a serious temptation for some of your friends — probably the ones who were the most uncomfortable with its presence at the barbecue. But it’s also not fair that their problem is making life less fun for you.

The next time your sober buddies have a gathering, leave the booze at home and ask each person how they’d feel about you having a drink or two the next time you get together. That way, you can determine which friends are comfortable with your casual drinking and which ones aren't. In the future, when the friends who claim they’re uncomfortable around alcohol are going to be present, you should probably lay off the sauce for a night.

And you also might want to make a few drinking buddies. That’ll allow you to drink with some friends and spend sober time with others.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com

— Worried Mom

Dear Worried,

Tough as it may be, you’re going to have to have a heart-to-heart with your friend. Her son’s violent behavior needs to be stopped before he enters school.

I doubt she hasn’t noticed that he’s hitting, pinching, and biting other kids, but some moms aren’t very good at discipline. Take for example those annoying moms that let their screaming, obnoxious kids run loose in grocery stores. Nothing grates on my nerves more than an uncontrolled child.

The next time your friend suggests a play date, calmly tell her that your son has expressed some fear of playing with her son. Explain that you’ve witnessed her son’s violent behavior. Offer to help her research and develop a system of discipline to prevent future situations.

I’m no expert in child development, but I’m sure it’s important for kids to learn to respect their elders at an early age. If her son is allowed to continue his unruly behavior, he may end up causing many more problems later in life.

After your heart-to-heart, your pal may be angry with you, but eventually she’ll realize that your concern was in her and her son’s best interest.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— The Clean Neighbor

Dear Clean Neighbor,

This guy sounds like the neighbor from hell. Nobody wants to live next door to a dirty, smelly apartment, especially one that’s breeding roaches. Gross.

It’s interesting that the guy only stopped cleaning his house a few months ago. If he wasn’t dirty when you two were getting along, perhaps he is suffering from some kind of depression. Have you noticed a change in his demeanor (other than the fact that he’s not speaking to you) as well?

If you suspect there’s something more than sheer laziness going on, maybe you should try apologizing for the spat. Ask him how he’s doing, and if there’s anything he’d like to talk about. Since you’ve been angry at one another for so long, it may take time to regain his trust.

If you offered friendship again, maybe the guy would open up to you. If he’s depressed and has no one to talk to, that could be the source of the problem. Offering him a sympathetic ear could help elevate his mood, and maybe even lead to him cleaning up his act.

If this doesn’t work, however, don’t hesitate to complain to your landlord or property management company. Being a tattletale certainly won’t help bridge relations with the guy, but if they threaten him with eviction, he might hasten toward cleaning up his place. If you’re worried about retaliation, complain anonymously in a snail-mailed letter to the building’s owner.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.