Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Bianca Knows Best … And Helps an Adult with Divorcing Parents
Posted on Tue, Feb 2, 2010 at 3:01 PM
My parents are growing further and further apart as they age. They’re both in their mid-60s now, and I’ve determined that they pretty much hate one another. Since they’ve retired, I think they’re just together too often.
I’m in my early 30s now, but I grew up in a very close-knit, loving home. Back then, my parents were best friends, completely inseparable. We went on family trips with my brother and sister. We never, ever imagined our parents could split.
Now, divorce seems inevitable. I’m grateful that they waited to grow apart after the kids were out of the house. But it still makes me sad to think of my parents going their separate ways. Not to mention that it will certainly be hard on my sister and brother’s kids. I don’t have any kids yet. Also, my mom has had some health problems, and she’ll likely need someone to care for her in a few years. If my dad’s not around, the responsibility will certainly fall to one of the siblings.
Is there anything my siblings and I could do to help them heal their marriage? Or should we let them slowly drift away from each other?
— Grown Kid from a Soon-to-Be Broken Home
Dear Grown Kid,
If your parents are falling out of love with one another, there’s really not much you can do. But if they’re just growing tired of spending too much time together, maybe there’s hope.
I’ve heard from people who work together and live together that spending all day and night with one another can be taxing on a relationship. I know I wouldn’t want to spend all my time with my boyfriend (sorry, Paul!). In order for relationships to thrive, people need space and it sounds like your parents aren’t getting any.
Sit down with your siblings and make out a list of all your mom’s hobbies and dad’s hobbies. Pick out a few that they don’t have in common, and offer to take up those hobbies with both parents separately. For example, if your mom loves film, take her to the movies sans dad. If dad likes football, arrange a guy’s night with your brother and your pop’s friends. Take mom out to dinner while the game is on.
It doesn’t matter what you choose to do. Just get them away from one another for a few hours a week.
If that doesn’t help, you’ll have to step back and let live. People do change over the years, and it’s possible that your parents have grown to be incompatible. They may be happier living on their own. Just be thankful they stuck together while you were a kid.
If divorce happens, you may have to step in and help your mother as her health fails, but she raised you for at least 18 years. You owe her. Don’t bitch.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps an Overly Protective Sister
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Jan 26, 2010 at 12:57 PM
Dear Bianca,
My little brother recently divorced his crazy wife. He’s 24 and he got married very young. He has three kids by his ex, and he’s never really had a chance to sow his wild oats, so to speak.
Since his divorce, he’s enlisted my help in finding him dates. He’s a little socially awkward, so he’s had trouble meeting women on his own. In the past few weeks, he’s developed a Facebook crush on one of my old roommates. He friended her and they’ve been talking, mostly just conversation through status updates.
The old roommate just got divorced as well, but she’s four years older than my brother. And I seriously doubt she’s into him like he’s into her. I suspect she’s only chatting with my brother to be nice. However, my brother has asked me to attempt to set up a date with the old roommate. I don’t have the heart to tell him she would likely find him way too dorky. Should I break the truth to him now? Or should I let him approach her on his own and see what happens?
— The Protective Sister
Dear Protective,
Your brother is a grown man. Part of sowing wild oats involves heartbreak, and if this little Facebook crush doesn’t work out, he’ll just have to move on. What happens (or doesn’t happen) between your old roommate and your bro is out of your control, so don’t waste your time fretting about it.
You mentioned that your brother is socially awkward. Socially awkward people have often led sheltered lives, surrounded by overly protective parents and siblings. The fact that you’re still trying to manage his love life tells me that you’ve probably always had a hand in his relationships. In order for your brother to develop social skills and meet people on his own, you’re going to have to let go.
As for your roommate, you might want to let her know that your brother is interested. That way, if she isn’t, she can stop leading him on. She might not realize that her simple Facebook conversations mean more to him than they do to her. Then again, maybe she is interested in him. If so, she can make the first move if you let her know what’s up.
Either your brother will be forced to move on or he won’t. Whatever the case, try to let the man live his own life. It’s fine to play matchmaker when a potential partner enters the picture, but then you have to stand back and let the chips fall where they may.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Bianca Knows Best … And Helps a Polyamorous Woman
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Jan 19, 2010 at 1:59 PM
Dear Bianca,
My husband and I started dating "Jenny" nine years ago, and she's been a central part of our lives since then. Two years ago, she moved in with us, although to all but a few of our closest friends, she's a roommate. She doesn't have any family of her own nearby, so she's been coming to our family holidays as a "friend" since we met. Everyone loves her, and we have been thinking about coming out to them.
I don't have the foggiest idea how they'll react. Most of them are religious, but not the arch-conservative type. I'd like to be able to be able to be truthful with my family, but I'm also the type who tends to avoid drama and blow-ups like the plague.
Any advice on how I could ease into this before the next family get-together? Or should we leave a good thing just the way it is?
— Nervous Polyamorous Girl
Dear Nervous,
First, I’d like to congratulate you for making a polyamorous relationship last as long as you have. I’ve had friends who experimented with multiple partners, but I only know of one couple (or should I say triple?) that’s managed to make it work for longer than a few months.
As for your quandary, I’d say if Jenny has been coming to your family gatherings for nine years, she’s probably considered a part of the family by now. And that means your family members will likely be more accepting of her position in your life than if she was a new addition. Not to mention that Jenny’s long-term place in your life must mean you three are pretty serious.
I’d advise coming out slowly, and certainly to do so before the next big family gathering. A Christmas dinner or family reunion is no place for that kind of drama. You could start by telling a few of your more open-minded family members (whom you think can keep a secret). Ask them to help you gauge how other family members might react. For the more conservative members of the family, you may want to break the news in the company of those who are in on your secret. It’s always good to have supporters in these situations.
Polyamory is even less understood than gay relationships, so prepare for a little backlash. In fact, some people may even write you off. But if they love you (and your husband and Jenny), they’ll come around in time.
If after testing the waters with open-minded members of the family, you decide that some family members just won’t get it, it’s okay to keep a secret. Just come out to as many people as you feel you safely can.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps a Questioning Vegan
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Jan 12, 2010 at 12:21 PM
Dear Bianca,
In the South, people look at you funny when you politely decline a slab of ribs or a chicken sandwich. I think this is one reason why I didn't completely stop eating meat until August 2007. I've been a vegetarian for 2 years now and strictly vegan for slightly less time than that and I'm still going strong. My eating habits were quickly established within the first few months of being vegan, but after about a year or so of my new diet, I’m beginning to question where the rational thinker ends and the self-righteous asshole begins?
Do I feel good because I think I'm doing the right thing by abstaining from this kind of food, or do I feel bad as a guest because I didn't try out the host's Triple-Layer Chocolate Chunk Masterpiece because the recipe called for a tablespoon of butter?
Is it worth it to go through the motions of promoting higher thinking through your actions, even when your actions are viewed simply as rude?
— The Questioning Vegan
Dear Questioning,
As a fellow vegan, I feel pretty qualified to answer this one. I’ve been vegan for five years and vegetarian for 15 years. Both dietary shifts were made for ethical reasons, though the health benefits are a nice bonus.
When I went vegetarian at age 14, I remember feeling a little awkward going through the Burger King drive-thru to order a Whopper with no meat (yes, I actually did that). But after going vegan, I realized it was much harder to make some party hosts and servers understand my dietary concerns.
A couple of years ago, I visited a very sweet Indian woman’s home to shoot some photos of her artwork for a story. She was ridiculously gracious, insisting that I stay for dinner. I attempted to politely decline, but she wasn’t having it. She said she was a vegetarian, and so I thought, “What the heck?”
Big mistake. At the time, I didn’t realize Indian food often contains ghee (butter) and some other dairy products. When she served me a hot cup of chai with milk (that she’d made just for me), I knew it’d break her heart if I turned it down. So I drank it, silently cringing about my ethics going down the drain. That chai was followed by a whole meal filled with butter and other dairy products. And I ate it all.
Later, my stomach started cramping and I knew it was due to the reintroduction of dairy. I was paying for falling back on my personal ethics. After that day, I decided that, no matter what the situation, I would always tell a host that I simply cannot eat animal products. If I’m viewed as rude for that, that’s the host’s problem — not mine. What I choose to put into my body is my decision.
I think most people understand the importance of maintaining one's personal ethics. And veganism is becoming more and more mainstream. The best way to avoid seeming rude or being tempted by that Triple-Layer Chocolate Chunk Masterpiece is to bring your own delicious vegan dessert to the party.
The moral to this long response? Don’t forgo your personal ethics to please someone else.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps a Wannabe Kissin' Cousin
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Jan 5, 2010 at 1:04 PM
Dear Bianca,
I have a huge crush on my cousin. Now, before you start thinking I’m some backwoods, incestuous redneck, you should know that we’re not related by blood. He’s my cousin only by marriage. My aunt remarried a few years ago, and her new husband has a very attractive son.
There was immediate chemistry the moment we met, and I’m certain he’s into me as well. But like me, I believe he’s hesitant to act on his feelings since we’re technically family. I’m worried about what my mother and aunt would think, and not to mention my friends … who would certainly tease me no end.
Should I act on my feelings and pursue my cousin? Or should I attempt to suppress my feelings and seek love elsewhere?
— Keeping It in the Family
Dear Keeping,
You do sound like a “backwoods, incestuous redneck” when you start a letter with “I have a huge crush on my cousin.” Perhaps you should break this sort of information to people a little more gently, so they don't start instantly picturing your deformed future children. Perhaps you should also stop thinking of this man as your cousin, even if that’s technically the truth.
If you two fall in love, then go for it. You certainly didn’t ask your aunt to marry his dad. It just happened, and maybe the stars aligned in that way so that you two could meet.
Remember the 1990s movie Clueless (rest in peace, Brittany Murphy!)? Cher (Alicia Silverstone) and Josh (Paul Rudd) are step-siblings by marriage, but they fall in love at the movie’s end (sorry for the spoiler alert, but if you haven’t seen Clueless by now, you are clueless). If falling for your non-blood-related relative is good enough for Cher, then by golly, it should be good enough for anyone.
As I mentioned, the key here will be easing people into this information. Don’t immediately tell your friends that he’s your cousin. Let them meet the guy first, and don’t break the news until they really get to know him.
As for your family, that may be a bigger hurdle. But then again, they may understand that since the two of you wouldn’t have been related before your aunt’s new marriage, it’s not the same as dating a blood relative. If they do have a problem, they’ll likely get over it with time.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps a Pregnant Woman
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Dec 22, 2009 at 1:42 PM
Dear Bianca,
My husband and I are having a baby after five years of marriage. We never really planned on having kids, but this just kind of happened and I’m surprisingly happy about it. Most of our friends, on the other hand, are more concerned with cocktail parties and career advancement than having children. So, I’m a little scared to tell them that I’m having a baby. I’m expecting to hear, “Oh, wow! Do you want to have a baby? Are you sure you’d rather not get an abortion?” In fact, I already got a such a response from the one friend I’ve told.
Obviously, I can’t hide the fact that I’m pregnant forever. Should I just start distancing myself from my friends and make new ones? I doubt they’ll be supportive when the baby is born, and I’m going to have this new responsibility for the next 18 years or so.
— Preggo Party-Pooper
Dear Preggo,
As an unmarried, childless fan of cocktail parties, I can honestly relate more to your friends than to your situation. However, since more and more of my friends have started having babies, I’m realizing that I can’t control what they choose to do with their lives and babies are a fact of life. I’m certainly glad my mom had a baby years ago or I wouldn’t be here. Your friends are really just going to have to accept that your life is not their life.
The reason your friends would rather offer condolences rather than congrats is probably because they’re imagining themselves in your shoes, and they can’t imagine being happy about being pregnant. But once they see how happy you are, they’ll probably change their tune. And when the baby is old enough to do cute stuff, they’ll probably warm up to the idea of you being a mother instead of just a party pal.
You don't have to ditch all your old friends, but you may want to seek out a few new ones who are also parents. Once the baby comes, it’ll need some little friends, so meeting other mothers will mean support for both you and your little one.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... Special Christmas Edition
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Dec 15, 2009 at 11:58 AM
Dear Bianca,
Every year, my husband and I spend Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his family. The families live about five hours apart, so we make the drive to his parent’s house early Christmas morning.
Several months ago, he got into an argument with on of his brothers after he failed to invite him to his wedding. They’ve had strained a relationship for years, and now my husband is refusing to show up at his family’s Christmas gathering. He thinks it’ll make everyone uncomfortable, since he’s still not speaking to his brother. The brother, by the way, is also refusing to make amends.
His parents are aging, and I’d hate for him to miss what could be one of their last Christmases together. They’re pretty upset about his decision to skip Christmas, but their pleas for him to come have fallen on deaf ears. I’d really like to convince him to go home for Christmas, but I’m not sure how to go about that. How I can fix this family mess?
— The Mediator
Dear Mediator,
There’s really not much you can do to force your husband and his brother to get along. It sounds like they have some deep-seated issues, and those sorts of matters don’t mend overnight. My grandmother and her sister didn’t speak for years over a family issue, and they’re just now on the mend. Both women are in their 70s.
But it’s not fair that your husband’s parents won’t get to see him for the holidays, especially if they’re getting up there in age. Perhaps you could arrange an alternate Christmas celebration with the rest of his family by finding a date and time either before or after Christmas that would work. If they normally do the cooking for the Christmas Day celebration, offer to handle that part for the alternate gathering. That will mean less stress on their part. Bring or prepare dishes that your husband and his family associate with the holidays, and exchange gifts with the rest of the family on that day.
After the holidays, you should encourage your husband to take the first step toward making amends with his brother. Explain that doing so would make him the bigger person. If you’re patient and persistent, perhaps he’ll make amends before next Christmas. And hopefully, his aging parents will still be around to enjoy a gathering of the whole family.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... and helps a guy sort out his sexuality
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Dec 8, 2009 at 2:43 PM
Dear Bianca,
I am having a conflict over my sexuality. I like girls … make that, love girls. But lately I’ve felt an urge to be with a guy. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a guy. I just want to experience the physical part of it.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend, so I guess I’m on the market again. But I’m not sure I want to jump into another relationship. I think I may want to explore these other aspects of my sexuality. I’ve never been with a guy.
However, I grew up in a very conservative household and community. As a kid, I fought off my feelings toward other boys because my friends or family wouldn’t have accepted that. Now I’m in my 30s and still fighting that. Should I follow my instincts? And if so, how do I break that to my very straight friends and family?
— Confused
Dear Confused,
It sounds like you’re bisexual, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Many straight and gay folks often try very hard to box people into certain sexuality — you either like men or you like women. But there are true bisexuals out there, who are equally attracted to both sexes. You may one of them.
For bisexuals, the notion of sexuality is fluid. You might be more physically attracted to one sex, but more willing to settle down with another. Or you may prefer women in one phase of your life, men in another, and than back to women.
Embrace your sexuality. You want to experiment with men now, so go for it. If you’ve been repressing this part of yourself for 30 years, it’s high time you did something about it. Not to mention that you’re newly single, which is probably the best time for sowing those wild oats. Just be safe about it. Condoms are your friends. Y
As for your concerns about friends and family, I’d suggest talking to a few open-minded friends first. Save the closed-minded ones for later. If you’re simply experimenting at this stage, there’s really no need to blab about it to too many folks. If you do end up forming a relationship with a guy, that’s when you should worry about coming out of the bisexual closet.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... And Helps a Son With His Alcoholic Mom
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Dec 1, 2009 at 12:12 PM
Dear Bianca,
After several years of skipping out on my family’s Thanksgiving dinner, I finally decided to make the five-hour drive to my tiny hometown in Mississippi. Big mistake. My mom’s always been kind of crazy, and I’ve learned to accept that. But it’s much easier to accept when she’s hours away. When I arrived at my parents’ home, she greeted me by stumbling out of the house, martini glass in hand at three in the afternoon!
She stayed drunk throughout the weekend, and that would have been fine if she’d stayed in the house. But since I was home, she insisted on calling all my old high school friends and inviting them over to see me. A group of them dropped by and my mom not only talked their ears off, she also fell over several times and at one point, took her top off. Yep, my 60-year-old mother walked around the house in her underwear in front of my old high school friends.
Talk about being mortified! Alcohol treatment isn’t really an option, as she’s been through (and dropped out of) rehab numerous times. My dad doesn’t seem to mind, and I don’t have to deal with her on a daily basis. But this weekend’s incident makes me never want to go home again, and my parents are kind of expecting me for Christmas now. Should I just disown my mother?
— The Sane Son
Dear Sane Son,
Your mom’s behavior does sound obnoxious, and I’m sure its pretty embarrassing for you. But how did your old high school buds react? It’s easy to feel embarrassed by our relatives, but trust me when I say that other people aren’t judging them as harshly as you are.
Try to see your loved ones through a stranger’s eyes. What if your mom belonged one of your friends? Would you still find her behavior mortifying? If you think she might be amusing — or at least, tolerable — as someone else’s mother, maybe you should try to accept her as she is. If her behavior is so bad that you think she’d be an embarrassment to anyone, then you should encourage her to seek help — again.
If your mom isn't willing to enter treatment (or even if she is), you and your father should consider attending Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon offers support and counseling for family members of problem drinkers. They can offer excellent advice on how to deal with your mother. For a list of local Al-Anon meetings, check out the Memphis Al-Anon website.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps a Woman Who Wants to Keep It Casual
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Nov 24, 2009 at 12:38 PM
Dear Bianca,
I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months now, but we’ve only gone on four dates. I like him but I recently got out of a long-term relationship, so I’m looking to take things slowly.
On our most recent date, after I kissed him goodbye, he asked, “So where do you see this relationship going?”
Honestly, I don’t know where our relationship is going because it’s way too soon for me to tell, so I wasn’t sure how to answer. I told him “time will tell” and made a beeline for the door. It seems to me that this guy wants more out of a relationship at this time than I do. I don’t want to stop dating him, but I’m not ready to commit. What should I do?
— Cold Feet
Dear Cold Feet,
If this guy asked you if he could move in after the fourth date, that would be a huge problem. But asking where a relationship is going after a few dates is a perfectly reasonable question. It sounds like you’ve just got some serious commitment issues.
If you really like the guy, don’t shy away from his interest in you. Give him a chance, but set some boundaries. Let him know how you feel about serious relationships at this time in your life. Tell him you just got out of a long relationship, and you’d rather not be tied down right now. Ask him if he’s willing to continue dating in an uncommitted, casual way. Since he did the asking, the ball is in your court as to where the relationship will go.
It’s possible that the guy asked about the relationship status because he’s not interested in being tied down either. Maybe he was afraid you were becoming too interested in him, too quickly. Even if that’s not the vibe you’ve been putting off, keep in mind that many guys aren’t too adept at reading signals (sorry guys, but it’s true).
Either way, a simple inquiry into the status of your relationship is no reason to break things off. Let him know where you see it going and move forward. If he gets pushy later, then you can feel more justified in breaking things off.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps a Nervous Daughter-in-Law
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Nov 17, 2009 at 2:10 PM
Dear Bianca,
My husband and I recently learned that his parents will be buying a house on our street. My husband has never been very close to his folks. He’s worried that they will make a habit of the dreaded “pop in” visit for dinner every night as an excuse to see our kids more often. Meanwhile, my parents are jealous that his parents will get to spend more time with us. Help us keep the peace so we don’t become an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond”!
--Nervous Neighbor
Dear Nervous,
What a nightmare! I love my parents and I love my boyfriend’s parents, but I certainly wouldn’t want to share a neighborhood with them. A little parental distance is a very healthy thing.
If this were the plot of a bad comedy film, you and your husband could rig up some scheme to convince the in-laws that their new dream house is haunted or cursed. But those silly schemes aren’t likely to work in real life, unless you can afford to move, you’ve really got no choice but to suck it up and call in the Welcome Wagon.
I suggest laying down some ground rules at the start. Once they’re settled in, invite the in-laws over for dinner. After tummies are full (and you’ve all downed a few glasses of wine) share your concerns. In the nicest way possible, explain that being neighbors makes you two a little nervous.
Tell them you’d love to spend more time with them (even if you’re lying), but you also need your space. Perhaps you could establish a family night once a week or every other week, making clear that the rest of the week will be reserved for you, your husband, and kids. Your family and the in-laws could take turns cooking dinner for family nights, and that would give grandma and grandpa a regular excuse to see the kids without popping in at random.
More than likely, the in-laws will understand. Once their kids have left the house, older parents enjoy their private time as well. I know my parents wouldn’t want me moving in next door, if it meant I’d be popping in on them everyday.
Your new living situation may work to your benefit. Having grandparents right down the street could mean having a babysitter on call. Also, you mentioned that your husband doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents, this might be a great opportunity for him to forge a closer relationship with them.
As for your own parents being jealous, they’ll just have to understand that the circumstances are out of your control, and they can’t hold that against you.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... And Helps a Possessive Chick
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Nov 10, 2009 at 2:42 PM
Dear Bianca,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a month now, and I think I’m really falling for him. I feel so happy when we’re together, which is something I haven’t felt for awhile. I’m 18 years old and about to graduate from high school, but he’s 21.
Despite my feelings for him, I’ve noticed a slight change in his behavior lately. He acts like he’s not as into me as he once was. So I’m a little worried that he’s cheating on me or maybe that he’s just lost interest. He says he hasn’t lost interest, but I don’t believe him. He does talk about other girls, but he says they’re just friends.
I really need him, and I’m totally freaking out. How can I make him love me? My happiness depends on this relationship. If you tell me I should leave him, I won’t do it. I won’t leave him unless I really catch him cheating or if he breaks up with me. What should I do?
— Hopelessly In Love
Dear Hopeless,
Love is a tricky thing. It has to come from both sides in a relationship or it’s just not going to work. That’s a universal truth that you have no choice but to accept.
But don’t give up hope just yet. You’ve only been with this guy for a month. You may truly be in love or you may just be infatuated. It’s hard to say after only a month.
What you see as him “losing interest” might actually mean that he’s just getting comfortable in the relationship. The need to see each other every minute tends to wear off after a while. (If he sticks with you, you’ll eventually have to deal with worse. He’ll probably start farting around you; he might get fat. That’s when your love for him will really be tested.)
The fact that he talks about other girls doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you. If he was cheating, do you think he’d talk about those other girls in front of you? Doubtful.
If he says he’s still into you, then he’s probably telling the truth. So long as he returns your phone calls and makes an effort to hang out with you regularly, your relationship is probably okay.
But regardless, it sounds like you have some serious dependency issues. Your happiness shouldn’t totally depend on your boyfriend. That’s extremely dangerous. If he does break up with you, it sounds like your world may turn upside down. And if you’re too absorbed and emotionally dependent on him, that sort of thing will push a guy away quickly.
No matter what happens with this relationship, I’d suggest seeing a psychiatrist for some self-confidence 101.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... And Helps Facilitate a Breakup
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Nov 3, 2009 at 11:53 AM
Dear Bianca,
I've been in a relationship with my partner for over 14 years, but the past year and a half hasn't been the same. My partner knows we're not on the same page anymore and has expressed concern and a willingness to fix our relationship. But I think at this point, I need to be single. I still love and care for him a lot, but the connection we once had is gone.
We're 13 years apart in age, and I think that is starting to be a big issue. The fun we once had isn't there anymore. He doesn't enjoy or want to do the fun things I like doing with the few friends we see once in awhile. Instead, we spend nights at home without speaking to each other or talking about the weather and trying to have small talk. I hate to admit that I want to leave him, but I don't think it's fair to either of us to live like this. My question is, how does one break up with someone who has been nothing but great to them simply because you feel you've grown apart?
— Confused About the Future
Dear Confused,
If you feel a need to be single, and you don't think counseling will help, then it’s time for you to be single. Plain and simple. Coming to that decision is not easy, but following through with a breakup will be much harder.
You’ll be tempted to put it off and try talk yourself out of a split. After all, 14 years is a long time, and it’s easy to get comfortable with familiar routines. If you still love your partner, you’ll also struggle with the pain you know a breakup will cause.
Excuse the cliche, but you really have to follow your heart. It sounds like you two have grown apart, and there’s usually no coming back from that. To make the break-up process easier, you can try gradually separating yourself. Start going out with friends, even when he’d rather stay at home. Pursue hobbies or interests that he isn’t into. These actions will hopefully hint to him that the relationship is coming to an end.
When you finally break the news that you’re moving on with your life, he may be more mentally prepared if he’s had a few weeks of such hints. But don’t drag the process out too long. When you’re finally ready to do the deed, explain that you feel that you’ve grown apart. Tell him you love him, but you need to be single. Tell him you hope you can still be friends after the initial pain has subsided.
He may even thank you later for helping him move on with his life. It sounds like neither of you is happy with the status quo. Good luck!
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca @ bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps Someone Come Out
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Oct 27, 2009 at 2:51 PM
Dear Bianca,
I’ve have recently realized that I am gay. I’ve told my parents and one friend. I still have a few close friends that I want to tell because they have been my best friends since we were really little kids, but I am not sure how they will react.
I am afraid of them not being able to look past my sexual orientation and see that I am still the same person. These friendships are very important to me and I don't want to risk giving them up if I don't have to.
I know that they will eventually find out, but I want to break it to them smoothly instead of shocking them. I am not attracted to them because of our long friendship, but they might not realize that. I don't know how to tell them or if I should tell them. I know that if they don't accept me then they were not really my friends, but I care too much about them and their friendships to let them go.
— Slowly Emerging from the Closet
Dear Slowly Emerging,
Wouldn’t it be nice if telling folks that you’re gay could be as simple as expressing your love for peanut butter sandwiches or NASCAR? Well, on second thought, maybe admitting you like NASCAR would be taboo in some circles as well.
Hopefully, one day we’ll evolve into a world where no one cares if you’re gay or straight. Until then, you have to jump through the sometimes-uncomfortable coming out hoops. And coming out to your male peers may be the hardest part, especially if they’re super-macho straight guys with a grudge against gay people.
You’re right to tell them rather than have them learn on their own. For one thing, telling as many people as possible helps foster understanding and compassion for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community. If people know and like a gay person, they’ll be less likely to vote against gay rights when those issues are on the ballot.
On a more personal note, your friends will be more likely to accept your homosexuality if they hear about it from you. I’d suggest telling them individually. Break the news gently, and if your friends are the macho anti-gay types, be certain to mention that you’re not attracted to them in any way. It might seem silly that they’d even suspect such a thing, but straight men who haven’t had any exposure to gay folks don’t always immediately understand that not every gay man will be attracted to them.
Some of them could turn their back on you for a bit, so go into the situation expecting the worst, so you won’t be let down. If these guys are your true friends, they’ll come around in time. You may just be the first gay person they know, and that can shape their ideas and opinions about GLBT folks for the rest of their lives.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... And Helps a Horny Roommate
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Oct 20, 2009 at 11:05 AM
My female roommate takes Ambien to sleep. Every couple of nights, she sleepwalks into my bedroom naked and aggressively tries to have sex with me. Tthe next day, she has no memory of it. Zilch. She thanks me for tossing her back into her own room (but she's not embarrassed or concerned enough to stop taking Ambien).
I don't have a bedroom door, so there's no locking her out. And she has a semi-boyfriend. She's hot. I'm horny. Obviously, I'd use a condom. Can this scenario play out in my, and possibly her, favor?
— Sleepless Roommate
Dear Sleepless,
I’m going to tell you what I’ve told so many letter-writers before you — keep it in your pants. Sleeping with your roommate will only cause problems the next day. I don’t know if this scenario would legally be considered rape, but the fact that she wouldn’t remember a thing means you’d be taking advantage of her.
I once watched an episode of 48 Hours Investigates, in which some teen guys had sex with a very drunk girl at a party. She didn’t remember a thing, but the guys stupidly videotaped the ordeal. The tape got leaked, and though they claimed she was willing, the teens were charged with rape. Don’t put yourself in that situation. However, you may be able to use the situation to her advantage. And it does involve a video camera.
According to a March 2006 article in The Washington Post, sleepwalking is a very rare side effect of the popular sleep aid, Ambien. The article stated that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration had received reports of people eating and even driving while sleepwalking on the drug. Some incidents, the article stated, have led to criminal charges.
But Sanofi-Aventis, the makers of Ambien, claim these incidents are uncommon. Most common side effects include diarrhea, dizziness, and headaches. It sounds like your roommate ought to consult her doctor about switching sleep aids. You say she isn’t concerned enough to stop taking the drug, but maybe her sleepwalking sexcapades could work in her favor here.
The next time she comes enters your room naked, have your video camera ready. A voice recorder or still camera would also work. But make sure you record her behavior. Be certain, of course, to refuse any of her advances.
The next day, when she’s thanking you for tossing her back into her own room, break out the recording from the previous night. She may be quite embarrassed at what she sees. If that doesn’t lead her to change sleep aids, I don’t know what will.
Of course, you’ll also want to let her erase the video or pictures so they don’t accidentally end up on YouTube.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
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