— Smothered Friend

Dear Smothered,

We’ve all had a friend or two with no concept of boundaries. A clingy friend, especially one that you don’t want to hurt, can be a tough person to shake. But for your own happiness, you’ve got to pry this woman away.

Though I’d feel sorry for any guy she may date, getting Jennifer a new beau may be the answer. If she hasn’t started dating again, you should try and push her in that direction. Boost her confidence with compliments, and take out her out on the prowl. Or help Jennifer get started with an online dating service. If you manage to help her nab a man, perhaps she’ll divert all that overwhelming attention his way instead of yours.

Then again, if you don’t find Jennifer a guy, this plan could backfire, leaving her even more attached to you. She may view your desire to help her as some kind of best friend move. You may need a plan B.

That’s where the old “I have to stay home and wash my hair” excuse comes in (remember when Kelly always used that line on Saved By the Bell?). The next time Jennifer invites you out for drinks, tell her you’re planning a quiet night at home alone. Explain that just as she needs lots of friend time, you must have some private time to maintain sanity. Learning to say “no” will be an important lesson for you anyway.

When she instant messages you, just ignore it. If she asks later why you haven’t been responding, explain that you were taking a work call or in a meeting. Finally, when you do go out on the town with Jennifer, bring a group of other women along. Maybe she’ll find another lady in your posse to cling to, and then she can become someone else’s problem.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Looking for the Right Thing

Dear Looking,

It’s a shame you can’t make “Kelly” leave her baby’s lousy daddy. It sounds like he's not exactly the sort of man who should be raising a child. However, if she decides to come around it has to be totally up to her. If I were a gamblin’ woman, I’d bet that someday she will grow tired of her boyfriend’s drinking and drugging and finally leave his sorry ass.

But it’s really not fair for you to have to sit around and wait for that day. Some women stay with horrible men for their entire lives. If Kelly is one of them, you’ll be old and wrinkled by the time you figure it out.

Have you talked to Kelly about your desire for a real relationship with her? Something beyond sex? If not, you need to let her know that if she’s willing to leave her man, you’d gladly scoop her up.

Help her to realize how great a relationship with you would be by going out of your way to do nice things for her, but let her know that you can’t wait around forever.

You should also assure her that you’d make a better dad than the baby’s biological father, since she might be concerned that you wouldn’t want to help raise her child.

Once you’ve expressed how you feel, the ball is totally in her court. Set a timeline in your own mind — a few months, perhaps. If Kelly hasn’t come around by the end of the deadline, it’s time for you to move on. And by move on, I mean, stop sleeping with her. Having sex is doing nothing but keeping both of you emotionally engaged in a situation that’s unhealthy.

I hope things work out in your favor. But if they don’t (warning: cliché coming up) there are certainly other fish in the sea.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

I grew up in a smallish Arkansas town with a majority white population. Though many residents wouldn’t consider themselves racist, it wasn’t at all unusual to hear someone throw the n-word around or blame the town’s tiny crime problem on the few black people who lived there.

Such sentiments were so ingrained — especially in my parents’ generation and older generations — that people often didn’t even realize they were being racist. Your mother-in-law may have been raised in a similar environment, but that’s no excuse for her behavior.

It's possible that no one in her family has ever spoken up about her comments. It sounds like your husband and his siblings have simply learned to tolerate it. I think you have a responsibility to let her know that you won’t stand for such remarks in your presence.

Be gentle. She is your mother-in-law, and you’re stuck with her for a while, so don’t call her out at the family dinner table. Pull her aside and calmly tell her that you don’t feel comfortable when she makes insulting comments about people of other races. Explain that you fear perpetuating such sentiment might influence her grandchildren. You probably won't change her beliefs, but maybe you can get her to shut her trap in front of others. Maybe.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— The Loner

Dear Loner,

Making friends in a new city is tough, especially for shy folks. I was painfully shy as a kid, so I understand your plight. I overcame my shyness through theater and modeling school. But before you go auditioning for the next Theatre Memphis production, here are a few tips for making friends and overcoming shyness:

You need to find an excuse to get out of the house more often. Volunteering is a wonderful way to get out, meet new people, and help make someone else's day brighter. If you like animals, volunteer to walk dogs at the animal shelter or the Humane Society. Help feed the homeless with Food Not Bombs, or unleash your inner handy-woman with Habitat for Humanity.

Be sure to pick a volunteer group activity that genuinely interests you. That way, the people you meet will share common interests and goals. Volunteering can also help you overcome your shy tendencies, since you’ll be dealing with strangers. If interacting with the public makes you nervous, suck it up. Over time, you will shed the shyness, I promise. My friends today would have never guessed I was once a shy kid, since now I can’t keep my mouth shut.

You should also try seeking out workshops, classes, or social groups geared toward your interests. Knitting classes, gardening lessons, political clubs, leadership groups, you name it, they're out there. For example, I met many of my buds through my involvement in a local vegetarian society.

Whatever you do, don’t rely on your boyfriends’ co-workers to make up your base of friends. If you ever break up, he’ll get custody of those folks, and then you’ll be without a man or a friend.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— The Ladies’ Man

Dear Ladies’ Man,

Like you, most of my friends are of the opposite sex. I have a few close girlfriends, but the majority of my pals are guys. Thankfully, my boyfriend doesn’t have a problem with that. If he did, however, I think I’d be reconsidering my relationship. Excuse the bluntness, but there is some wisdom in the old line, “bros before ‘hos.” (in your case, the “bros” are, in fact, women … but you know what I mean).

Jealousy can destroy a relationship quicker than anything. You say this woman is your soul-mate, but she doesn’t trust you not to cheat on her. It’s possible that she’s been burned by cheating men in her past. But holding that against you isn’t fair.

Of course, there is the issue of flirting. Perhaps you should knock that off. Flirting with people you aren’t attracted to is kind of creepy. Your female friends may actually read more into that than you think, and your girlfriend might be picking up on those signals.

Ask your girlfriend why she gets so jealous — specifically. If she blames the way you act around your female friends, perhaps you need to re-think your flirty nature. If your girlfriend is carrying baggage from some past hurt, you may need to find a new soul-mate. Trust is key for a successful relationship.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Grown Kid from a Soon-to-Be Broken Home

Dear Grown Kid,

If your parents are falling out of love with one another, there’s really not much you can do. But if they’re just growing tired of spending too much time together, maybe there’s hope.

I’ve heard from people who work together and live together that spending all day and night with one another can be taxing on a relationship. I know I wouldn’t want to spend all my time with my boyfriend (sorry, Paul!). In order for relationships to thrive, people need space and it sounds like your parents aren’t getting any.

Sit down with your siblings and make out a list of all your mom’s hobbies and dad’s hobbies. Pick out a few that they don’t have in common, and offer to take up those hobbies with both parents separately. For example, if your mom loves film, take her to the movies sans dad. If dad likes football, arrange a guy’s night with your brother and your pop’s friends. Take mom out to dinner while the game is on.

It doesn’t matter what you choose to do. Just get them away from one another for a few hours a week.

If that doesn’t help, you’ll have to step back and let live. People do change over the years, and it’s possible that your parents have grown to be incompatible. They may be happier living on their own. Just be thankful they stuck together while you were a kid.

If divorce happens, you may have to step in and help your mother as her health fails, but she raised you for at least 18 years. You owe her. Don’t bitch.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— The Protective Sister

Dear Protective,

Your brother is a grown man. Part of sowing wild oats involves heartbreak, and if this little Facebook crush doesn’t work out, he’ll just have to move on. What happens (or doesn’t happen) between your old roommate and your bro is out of your control, so don’t waste your time fretting about it.

You mentioned that your brother is socially awkward. Socially awkward people have often led sheltered lives, surrounded by overly protective parents and siblings. The fact that you’re still trying to manage his love life tells me that you’ve probably always had a hand in his relationships. In order for your brother to develop social skills and meet people on his own, you’re going to have to let go.

As for your roommate, you might want to let her know that your brother is interested. That way, if she isn’t, she can stop leading him on. She might not realize that her simple Facebook conversations mean more to him than they do to her. Then again, maybe she is interested in him. If so, she can make the first move if you let her know what’s up.

Either your brother will be forced to move on or he won’t. Whatever the case, try to let the man live his own life. It’s fine to play matchmaker when a potential partner enters the picture, but then you have to stand back and let the chips fall where they may.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Nervous Polyamorous Girl

Dear Nervous,

First, I’d like to congratulate you for making a polyamorous relationship last as long as you have. I’ve had friends who experimented with multiple partners, but I only know of one couple (or should I say triple?) that’s managed to make it work for longer than a few months.

As for your quandary, I’d say if Jenny has been coming to your family gatherings for nine years, she’s probably considered a part of the family by now. And that means your family members will likely be more accepting of her position in your life than if she was a new addition. Not to mention that Jenny’s long-term place in your life must mean you three are pretty serious.

I’d advise coming out slowly, and certainly to do so before the next big family gathering. A Christmas dinner or family reunion is no place for that kind of drama. You could start by telling a few of your more open-minded family members (whom you think can keep a secret). Ask them to help you gauge how other family members might react. For the more conservative members of the family, you may want to break the news in the company of those who are in on your secret. It’s always good to have supporters in these situations.

Polyamory is even less understood than gay relationships, so prepare for a little backlash. In fact, some people may even write you off. But if they love you (and your husband and Jenny), they’ll come around in time.

If after testing the waters with open-minded members of the family, you decide that some family members just won’t get it, it’s okay to keep a secret. Just come out to as many people as you feel you safely can.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— The Questioning Vegan

Dear Questioning,

As a fellow vegan, I feel pretty qualified to answer this one. I’ve been vegan for five years and vegetarian for 15 years. Both dietary shifts were made for ethical reasons, though the health benefits are a nice bonus.

When I went vegetarian at age 14, I remember feeling a little awkward going through the Burger King drive-thru to order a Whopper with no meat (yes, I actually did that). But after going vegan, I realized it was much harder to make some party hosts and servers understand my dietary concerns.

A couple of years ago, I visited a very sweet Indian woman’s home to shoot some photos of her artwork for a story. She was ridiculously gracious, insisting that I stay for dinner. I attempted to politely decline, but she wasn’t having it. She said she was a vegetarian, and so I thought, “What the heck?”

Big mistake. At the time, I didn’t realize Indian food often contains ghee (butter) and some other dairy products. When she served me a hot cup of chai with milk (that she’d made just for me), I knew it’d break her heart if I turned it down. So I drank it, silently cringing about my ethics going down the drain. That chai was followed by a whole meal filled with butter and other dairy products. And I ate it all.

Later, my stomach started cramping and I knew it was due to the reintroduction of dairy. I was paying for falling back on my personal ethics. After that day, I decided that, no matter what the situation, I would always tell a host that I simply cannot eat animal products. If I’m viewed as rude for that, that’s the host’s problem — not mine. What I choose to put into my body is my decision.

I think most people understand the importance of maintaining one's personal ethics. And veganism is becoming more and more mainstream. The best way to avoid seeming rude or being tempted by that Triple-Layer Chocolate Chunk Masterpiece is to bring your own delicious vegan dessert to the party.

The moral to this long response? Don’t forgo your personal ethics to please someone else.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Keeping It in the Family

Dear Keeping,

You do sound like a “backwoods, incestuous redneck” when you start a letter with “I have a huge crush on my cousin.” Perhaps you should break this sort of information to people a little more gently, so they don't start instantly picturing your deformed future children. Perhaps you should also stop thinking of this man as your cousin, even if that’s technically the truth.

If you two fall in love, then go for it. You certainly didn’t ask your aunt to marry his dad. It just happened, and maybe the stars aligned in that way so that you two could meet.

Remember the 1990s movie Clueless (rest in peace, Brittany Murphy!)? Cher (Alicia Silverstone) and Josh (Paul Rudd) are step-siblings by marriage, but they fall in love at the movie’s end (sorry for the spoiler alert, but if you haven’t seen Clueless by now, you are clueless). If falling for your non-blood-related relative is good enough for Cher, then by golly, it should be good enough for anyone.

As I mentioned, the key here will be easing people into this information. Don’t immediately tell your friends that he’s your cousin. Let them meet the guy first, and don’t break the news until they really get to know him.

As for your family, that may be a bigger hurdle. But then again, they may understand that since the two of you wouldn’t have been related before your aunt’s new marriage, it’s not the same as dating a blood relative. If they do have a problem, they’ll likely get over it with time.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Preggo Party-Pooper

Dear Preggo,

As an unmarried, childless fan of cocktail parties, I can honestly relate more to your friends than to your situation. However, since more and more of my friends have started having babies, I’m realizing that I can’t control what they choose to do with their lives and babies are a fact of life. I’m certainly glad my mom had a baby years ago or I wouldn’t be here. Your friends are really just going to have to accept that your life is not their life.

The reason your friends would rather offer condolences rather than congrats is probably because they’re imagining themselves in your shoes, and they can’t imagine being happy about being pregnant. But once they see how happy you are, they’ll probably change their tune. And when the baby is old enough to do cute stuff, they’ll probably warm up to the idea of you being a mother instead of just a party pal.

You don't have to ditch all your old friends, but you may want to seek out a few new ones who are also parents. Once the baby comes, it’ll need some little friends, so meeting other mothers will mean support for both you and your little one.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— The Mediator

Dear Mediator,

There’s really not much you can do to force your husband and his brother to get along. It sounds like they have some deep-seated issues, and those sorts of matters don’t mend overnight. My grandmother and her sister didn’t speak for years over a family issue, and they’re just now on the mend. Both women are in their 70s.

But it’s not fair that your husband’s parents won’t get to see him for the holidays, especially if they’re getting up there in age. Perhaps you could arrange an alternate Christmas celebration with the rest of his family by finding a date and time either before or after Christmas that would work. If they normally do the cooking for the Christmas Day celebration, offer to handle that part for the alternate gathering. That will mean less stress on their part. Bring or prepare dishes that your husband and his family associate with the holidays, and exchange gifts with the rest of the family on that day.

After the holidays, you should encourage your husband to take the first step toward making amends with his brother. Explain that doing so would make him the bigger person. If you’re patient and persistent, perhaps he’ll make amends before next Christmas. And hopefully, his aging parents will still be around to enjoy a gathering of the whole family.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com

Dear Bianca,

I am having a conflict over my sexuality. I like girls … make that, love girls. But lately I’ve felt an urge to be with a guy. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a guy. I just want to experience the physical part of it.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend, so I guess I’m on the market again. But I’m not sure I want to jump into another relationship. I think I may want to explore these other aspects of my sexuality. I’ve never been with a guy.

However, I grew up in a very conservative household and community. As a kid, I fought off my feelings toward other boys because my friends or family wouldn’t have accepted that. Now I’m in my 30s and still fighting that. Should I follow my instincts? And if so, how do I break that to my very straight friends and family?

— Confused

Dear Confused,

It sounds like you’re bisexual, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Many straight and gay folks often try very hard to box people into certain sexuality — you either like men or you like women. But there are true bisexuals out there, who are equally attracted to both sexes. You may one of them.

For bisexuals, the notion of sexuality is fluid. You might be more physically attracted to one sex, but more willing to settle down with another. Or you may prefer women in one phase of your life, men in another, and than back to women.

Embrace your sexuality. You want to experiment with men now, so go for it. If you’ve been repressing this part of yourself for 30 years, it’s high time you did something about it. Not to mention that you’re newly single, which is probably the best time for sowing those wild oats. Just be safe about it. Condoms are your friends. Y

As for your concerns about friends and family, I’d suggest talking to a few open-minded friends first. Save the closed-minded ones for later. If you’re simply experimenting at this stage, there’s really no need to blab about it to too many folks. If you do end up forming a relationship with a guy, that’s when you should worry about coming out of the bisexual closet.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— The Sane Son

Dear Sane Son,

Your mom’s behavior does sound obnoxious, and I’m sure its pretty embarrassing for you. But how did your old high school buds react? It’s easy to feel embarrassed by our relatives, but trust me when I say that other people aren’t judging them as harshly as you are.

Try to see your loved ones through a stranger’s eyes. What if your mom belonged one of your friends? Would you still find her behavior mortifying? If you think she might be amusing — or at least, tolerable — as someone else’s mother, maybe you should try to accept her as she is. If her behavior is so bad that you think she’d be an embarrassment to anyone, then you should encourage her to seek help — again.

If your mom isn't willing to enter treatment (or even if she is), you and your father should consider attending Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon offers support and counseling for family members of problem drinkers. They can offer excellent advice on how to deal with your mother. For a list of local Al-Anon meetings, check out the Memphis Al-Anon website.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

— Cold Feet

Dear Cold Feet,

If this guy asked you if he could move in after the fourth date, that would be a huge problem. But asking where a relationship is going after a few dates is a perfectly reasonable question. It sounds like you’ve just got some serious commitment issues.

If you really like the guy, don’t shy away from his interest in you. Give him a chance, but set some boundaries. Let him know how you feel about serious relationships at this time in your life. Tell him you just got out of a long relationship, and you’d rather not be tied down right now. Ask him if he’s willing to continue dating in an uncommitted, casual way. Since he did the asking, the ball is in your court as to where the relationship will go.

It’s possible that the guy asked about the relationship status because he’s not interested in being tied down either. Maybe he was afraid you were becoming too interested in him, too quickly. Even if that’s not the vibe you’ve been putting off, keep in mind that many guys aren’t too adept at reading signals (sorry guys, but it’s true).

Either way, a simple inquiry into the status of your relationship is no reason to break things off. Let him know where you see it going and move forward. If he gets pushy later, then you can feel more justified in breaking things off.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.