1-Prepare a baked potato with all the fixins.
2-Have a dinner partner or, even better, an accomplice from another table in dark glasses and a wide-brim hat with whom you never speak again acquire a bowl of chili. Don't forget crackers.
3-Have accomplice drop the chili on your table and DON'T LOOK AROUND. Be cool about it.
4-Wait for the chili drop. Make a fake phone call, use the restroom, whatever you have to do. Stall. Don't lose that potato.
5-After the drop, seat yourself and--this is vital--transfer the toppings as quickly as you can INTO the chili, and then throw the potato across the room and smash the plate. Maintain calm and do not look guilty. Say things like, "WHO DID THAT?" to diffuse suspicion.
6-Murder your accomplice.
By Micaela Watts
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