Dear Bianca,  

My husband and I recently learned that his parents will be buying a house on our street. My husband has never been very close to his folks. He’s worried that they will make a habit of the dreaded “pop in” visit for dinner every night as an excuse to see our kids more often. Meanwhile, my parents are jealous that his parents will get to spend more time with us. Help us keep the peace so we don’t become an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond”!    

--Nervous Neighbor

Dear Nervous,

What a nightmare! I love my parents and I love my boyfriend’s parents, but I certainly wouldn’t want to share a neighborhood with them. A little parental distance is a very healthy thing.

If this were the plot of a bad comedy film, you and your husband could rig up some scheme to convince the in-laws that their new dream house is haunted or cursed. But those silly schemes aren’t likely to work in real life, unless you can afford to move, you’ve really got no choice but to suck it up and call in the Welcome Wagon.

I suggest laying down some ground rules at the start. Once they’re settled in, invite the in-laws over for dinner. After tummies are full (and you’ve all downed a few glasses of wine) share your concerns. In the nicest way possible, explain that being neighbors makes you two a little nervous.

Tell them you’d love to spend more time with them (even if you’re lying), but you also need your space. Perhaps you could establish a family night once a week or every other week, making clear that the rest of the week will be reserved for you, your husband, and kids. Your family and the in-laws could take turns cooking dinner for family nights, and that would give grandma and grandpa a regular excuse to see the kids without popping in at random.

More than likely, the in-laws will understand. Once their kids have left the house, older parents enjoy their private time as well. I know my parents wouldn’t want me moving in next door, if it meant I’d be popping in on them everyday.

Your new living situation may work to your benefit. Having grandparents right down the street could mean having a babysitter on call. Also, you mentioned that your husband doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents, this might be a great opportunity for him to forge a closer relationship with them.

As for your own parents being jealous, they’ll just have to understand that the circumstances are out of your control, and they can’t hold that against you.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Dear Bianca,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a month now, and I think I’m really falling for him. I feel so happy when we’re together, which is something I haven’t felt for awhile. I’m 18 years old and about to graduate from high school, but he’s 21.

Despite my feelings for him, I’ve noticed a slight change in his behavior lately. He acts like he’s not as into me as he once was. So I’m a little worried that he’s cheating on me or maybe that he’s just lost interest. He says he hasn’t lost interest, but I don’t believe him. He does talk about other girls, but he says they’re just friends.

I really need him, and I’m totally freaking out. How can I make him love me? My happiness depends on this relationship. If you tell me I should leave him, I won’t do it. I won’t leave him unless I really catch him cheating or if he breaks up with me. What should I do?

— Hopelessly In Love

Dear Hopeless,

Love is a tricky thing. It has to come from both sides in a relationship or it’s just not going to work. That’s a universal truth that you have no choice but to accept.

But don’t give up hope just yet. You’ve only been with this guy for a month. You may truly be in love or you may just be infatuated. It’s hard to say after only a month.

What you see as him “losing interest” might actually mean that he’s just getting comfortable in the relationship. The need to see each other every minute tends to wear off after a while. (If he sticks with you, you’ll eventually have to deal with worse. He’ll probably start farting around you; he might get fat. That’s when your love for him will really be tested.)

The fact that he talks about other girls doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you. If he was cheating, do you think he’d talk about those other girls in front of you? Doubtful.

If he says he’s still into you, then he’s probably telling the truth. So long as he returns your phone calls and makes an effort to hang out with you regularly, your relationship is probably okay.

But regardless, it sounds like you have some serious dependency issues. Your happiness shouldn’t totally depend on your boyfriend. That’s extremely dangerous. If he does break up with you, it sounds like your world may turn upside down. And if you’re too absorbed and emotionally dependent on him, that sort of thing will push a guy away quickly.

No matter what happens with this relationship, I’d suggest seeing a psychiatrist for some self-confidence 101.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Dear Bianca,

I've been in a relationship with my partner for over 14 years, but the past year and a half hasn't been the same. My partner knows we're not on the same page anymore and has expressed concern and a willingness to fix our relationship. But I think at this point, I need to be single. I still love and care for him a lot, but the connection we once had is gone.

We're 13 years apart in age, and I think that is starting to be a big issue. The fun we once had isn't there anymore. He doesn't enjoy or want to do the fun things I like doing with the few friends we see once in awhile. Instead, we spend nights at home without speaking to each other or talking about the weather and trying to have small talk. I hate to admit that I want to leave him, but I don't think it's fair to either of us to live like this. My question is, how does one break up with someone who has been nothing but great to them simply because you feel you've grown apart?

— Confused About the Future

Dear Confused,

If you feel a need to be single, and you don't think counseling will help, then it’s time for you to be single. Plain and simple. Coming to that decision is not easy, but following through with a breakup will be much harder.

You’ll be tempted to put it off and try talk yourself out of a split. After all, 14 years is a long time, and it’s easy to get comfortable with familiar routines. If you still love your partner, you’ll also struggle with the pain you know a breakup will cause.

Excuse the cliche, but you really have to follow your heart. It sounds like you two have grown apart, and there’s usually no coming back from that. To make the break-up process easier, you can try gradually separating yourself. Start going out with friends, even when he’d rather stay at home. Pursue hobbies or interests that he isn’t into. These actions will hopefully hint to him that the relationship is coming to an end.

When you finally break the news that you’re moving on with your life, he may be more mentally prepared if he’s had a few weeks of such hints. But don’t drag the process out too long. When you’re finally ready to do the deed, explain that you feel that you’ve grown apart. Tell him you love him, but you need to be single. Tell him you hope you can still be friends after the initial pain has subsided.

He may even thank you later for helping him move on with his life. It sounds like neither of you is happy with the status quo. Good luck!

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca @ bphillips@memphisflyer.com.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Dear Bianca,

I’ve have recently realized that I am gay. I’ve told my parents and one friend. I still have a few close friends that I want to tell because they have been my best friends since we were really little kids, but I am not sure how they will react.

I am afraid of them not being able to look past my sexual orientation and see that I am still the same person. These friendships are very important to me and I don't want to risk giving them up if I don't have to.

I know that they will eventually find out, but I want to break it to them smoothly instead of shocking them. I am not attracted to them because of our long friendship, but they might not realize that. I don't know how to tell them or if I should tell them. I know that if they don't accept me then they were not really my friends, but I care too much about them and their friendships to let them go.

— Slowly Emerging from the Closet

Dear Slowly Emerging,

Wouldn’t it be nice if telling folks that you’re gay could be as simple as expressing your love for peanut butter sandwiches or NASCAR? Well, on second thought, maybe admitting you like NASCAR would be taboo in some circles as well.

Hopefully, one day we’ll evolve into a world where no one cares if you’re gay or straight. Until then, you have to jump through the sometimes-uncomfortable coming out hoops. And coming out to your male peers may be the hardest part, especially if they’re super-macho straight guys with a grudge against gay people.

You’re right to tell them rather than have them learn on their own. For one thing, telling as many people as possible helps foster understanding and compassion for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community. If people know and like a gay person, they’ll be less likely to vote against gay rights when those issues are on the ballot.

On a more personal note, your friends will be more likely to accept your homosexuality if they hear about it from you. I’d suggest telling them individually. Break the news gently, and if your friends are the macho anti-gay types, be certain to mention that you’re not attracted to them in any way. It might seem silly that they’d even suspect such a thing, but straight men who haven’t had any exposure to gay folks don’t always immediately understand that not every gay man will be attracted to them.

Some of them could turn their back on you for a bit, so go into the situation expecting the worst, so you won’t be let down. If these guys are your true friends, they’ll come around in time. You may just be the first gay person they know, and that can shape their ideas and opinions about GLBT folks for the rest of their lives.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

My female roommate takes Ambien to sleep. Every couple of nights, she sleepwalks into my bedroom naked and aggressively tries to have sex with me. Tthe next day, she has no memory of it. Zilch. She thanks me for tossing her back into her own room (but she's not embarrassed or concerned enough to stop taking Ambien).

I don't have a bedroom door, so there's no locking her out. And she has a semi-boyfriend. She's hot. I'm horny. Obviously, I'd use a condom. Can this scenario play out in my, and possibly her, favor?

— Sleepless Roommate

Dear Sleepless,

I’m going to tell you what I’ve told so many letter-writers before you — keep it in your pants. Sleeping with your roommate will only cause problems the next day. I don’t know if this scenario would legally be considered rape, but the fact that she wouldn’t remember a thing means you’d be taking advantage of her.

I once watched an episode of 48 Hours Investigates, in which some teen guys had sex with a very drunk girl at a party. She didn’t remember a thing, but the guys stupidly videotaped the ordeal. The tape got leaked, and though they claimed she was willing, the teens were charged with rape. Don’t put yourself in that situation. However, you may be able to use the situation to her advantage. And it does involve a video camera.

According to a March 2006 article in The Washington Post, sleepwalking is a very rare side effect of the popular sleep aid, Ambien. The article stated that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration had received reports of people eating and even driving while sleepwalking on the drug. Some incidents, the article stated, have led to criminal charges.

But Sanofi-Aventis, the makers of Ambien, claim these incidents are uncommon. Most common side effects include diarrhea, dizziness, and headaches. It sounds like your roommate ought to consult her doctor about switching sleep aids. You say she isn’t concerned enough to stop taking the drug, but maybe her sleepwalking sexcapades could work in her favor here.

The next time she comes enters your room naked, have your video camera ready. A voice recorder or still camera would also work. But make sure you record her behavior. Be certain, of course, to refuse any of her advances.

The next day, when she’s thanking you for tossing her back into her own room, break out the recording from the previous night. She may be quite embarrassed at what she sees. If that doesn’t lead her to change sleep aids, I don’t know what will.

Of course, you’ll also want to let her erase the video or pictures so they don’t accidentally end up on YouTube.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

I have a big mouth, and lately it’s been getting me into lots of trouble. Last week, my friend and her husband were visiting my house for dinner, and while looking through old pictures, I noticed one of her husband from several years ago. He’d put on some weight since the picture was taken, and I blurted “Wow, you’ve really packed on the pounds since then.”

Little did I know, the man has some weight/self-esteem issues. He didn’t show his anger, but his wife told me later that he was very offended. She was mad at me too. I’ve always been big on honesty as the best policy, but maybe there’s a line I shouldn’t cross.

Then, a few days later, I managed to blurt out my honest opinion about my friend’s new haircut. She looked like Kate Gosselin on crack, and I told her so. I thought I was being funny, but it made her cry. Oops! Any tips on keeping my mouth shut?

— Mouth of the South

Dear Mouth,

Honesty is generally the best policy, but you’ve got to maintain some tact as well. It’s all about balance.

For example, if your friend tries on a dress in the store, and she asks your opinion, it’s okay to tell her the dress makes her look like a frumpy, knocked-up housewife. But if your friend already owns such a dress, that comment’s not okay. She’s already paid for it. She obviously likes it, and that would probably hurt her feelings.

People love honesty, but only to a degree. No one wants to be told they’re fat. They already know they’re fat, and they’re either fine with it or they’ve got some serious esteem issues because of it. The key to shutting your big mouth is thinking before you speak. Imagine how what you say will make others feel.

It might help to assign yourself a punishment every time you blurt out things you shouldn’t. This will take a little self-discipline, and it sounds like you could use some.

For example, if you value your evening TV time, go a night without Glee every time you say something inappropriate. Or you could try going without dessert or skipping happy hour. It’s a little like being grounded, only you’re inflicting your own punishment. At the end of this exercise, you may have better luck zipping your lips.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

About a year ago, my girlfriend and I made the decision to open our relationship. She works in another state several months of the year, and so I’m left alone for long periods of time. We love each other, but neither wanted to go for months without sex.

That decision was made when she was home for a few months, so neither of us had a desire to act on it immediately, but she left for her out-of-town job a few weeks ago for the first time since we opened the relationship. A few nights ago, I met a woman online who seems interesting.

I’d like to meet up with the woman, but I’m feeling a little guilty. As far as I know, my girlfriend hasn’t hooked up with anyone else yet. We’re supposed to let one another know if we do find someone, and it has to be purely about sex ... no serious feelings.

Unfortunately, I’ve already developed a bit of a crush on this woman online. Should I pursue her and discuss it with my girlfriend or should I just forget the other woman?

— The Ladies’ Man

Dear Ladies Man,

Much like communism or late-night, drunken runs to a Taco Bell drive-thru, open relationships are good in theory but often so not much in real life. Communism gets tyrannical and late-night burritos give you gas the next day. Open relationships mostly result in jealousy and inevitable break-ups.

My best advice for you: keep it in your pants (I feel like I say that a lot in this column, but it’s no-fail advice). You’ve only met this woman on the Internet. You don’t really know anything about her. She might be a 12-year-boy, or worse, Chris Hanson from To Catch a Predator. How would your current girlfriend feel if you were busted for an Internet meet-up on Dateline NBC? Seriously, since you two have discussed your boundaries and established an open relationship, I suppose you’re well within your rights to hook up with the new lady. But start with an honest meet-up for coffee, no sex. Get to know her and make sure you’re willing to put everything on the line for a lay before you dive in.

You don’t have to tell your girlfriend that you’re meeting with the woman if you’re not having sex with her. But, as outlined in your own rules, you’ll have to let your girlfriend know if you do decide to go all the way.

Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t take it as well as she thinks she will. Jealousy and emotions may override the rules. Don’t act on the open relationship unless you’re ready to accept the potential consequences.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

About a month ago, I met an attractive woman at a bar. She went home with me, and well, you can guess what happened. Since then, we’ve been seeing each other pretty regularly. Nothing is official, but I’d think it’s safe to say we’re dating.

At least, I thought we were. Two days ago, I received a phone call from one of the woman’s friends. I’m not sure how she got my number. Maybe she found it in her friend’s phone. But she called to confess that her pal, who I thought was my girlfriend, is married. Yep, married.

She wasn’t wearing a ring when I met her. Trust me, I looked. And she never so much as hinted at having a husband. Obviously, I have to break things off with her. But I feel like telling her husband everything. Then again, he may kill me. What should I do?

— The Other Man

Dear Other Man,

What a skeezy lady! This situation totally sucks, especially considering that you were beginning to fall for her. However, the husband ordeal is her problem, not yours.

First things first: Break things off immediately. And be sure to let her know exactly why you’re cutting her off. She needs to know that her secret is out. Not only was she cheating on her husband, but she’s been totally playing you. Erase her number from your phone and have nothing more to do with the woman.

As for her husband, it’s unfortunate that he’s in the dark about her cheating ways, but it’s not your place to get involved. Like you said, he may kill you. Or at least break your face.

If she continues to cheat, her husband will probably find out. But if you really feel so guilty, have a chat with the friend who called you. Maybe she should take the information to the husband, but if she decides to do so, ask her to promise to leave your name out.

In the future, keep it in your pants until you’ve at least visited your girl's house. If you see his and hers toothbrushes in the bathroom or man-sized clothes in the closet, stay away.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Dear Bianca,

My best friend's boyfriend left town over the weekend to visit his family. When he returned to Memphis, he didn't call her at all. She called and called him, and when he finally answered, he admitted that he'd run into his ex-girlfriend while he was away.

He said he spent some time hanging out with the ex, and now he thinks he's falling for her again. But he also thinks he's still in love with my friend. He doesn't want to break things off yet because he isn't sure what he wants to do. Now she's waiting for him to choose.

What should she do? Should she break things off first? Or give him a chance to make up his mind?

— Worried Best Bud

Dear Worried,

It's awfully nice of you to stress over your friend's problems. As her best friend, you have a responsibility to be supportive, no matter which route she chooses. Don't push her into a decision. She could blame you later if she feels like you helped her make the wrong choice.

That said, it wouldn't be a bad idea to help her weigh the options. After all, at least the guy is trying to sort out his feelings first, rather than immediately re-hooking-up with his ex. And it's commendable that he admitted to spending time with his ex. Many guys would have conveniently left that part out of the weekend recap.

If your friend waits for a week or so to give the boyfriend some time, he may realize that he loves her more and ditch his ex for good. But if he reaches that decision, she'll need some kind of assurance that he's done with the ex. No more hometown visits for him without his girlriend for a while.

But your friend shouldn't wait around too long. If the guy hasn't made up his mind in a few days, she should dump him and move on. Have a "girl's night out" plan in place to see her through the initial part of her break-up.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

My boyfriend and I share a house in Memphis. His parents are coming from Minnesota to visit next week. The problem? They don’t know their son is gay.

He’s 35, and I’m 30. He’s told his parents that we’re just roommates. Honestly, how many 35-year-olds are still sharing bachelor pads with their buddies? Even so, they wholeheartedly believe him. Or at least they choose to. They’re devout Southern Baptists, and he’s convinced that they wouldn’t accept his homosexuality.

My boyfriend is “out” to everyone else in his life, just not his parents. I’m also out and I’m not at all thrilled with the idea of keeping our relationship a secret from his parents. They’ll be in town for a week, and that means the boyfriend and I will be in separate rooms and avoiding physical contact.

I really feel like telling his parents everything. It’s high time they learned who their son really is. Would I be wrong to “out” him to his parents?

— Way Out of the Closet

Dear Way Out,

Your boyfriend has a right to come out to his parents whenever he feels comfortable doing so. No one knows parents better than their own children, and if he feels like their religious values would get in the way of their acceptance, then maybe he’s right to hold off until he’s comfortable.

That said, I’m a big proponent of folks coming out. If people on the far religious right knew more gay people, they’d probably be more sympathetic to equal rights and protections.

Relationships between parents and their gay offspring can be delicate, and even though he’s 35, he may not want to risk losing the love of his mom and dad. When he is ready to come out, they may indeed freak out, but chances are they’ll eventually come around and accept him for who he is. Many parents of gay kids have some suspicions even if they refuse to admit it to themselves. It’s possible that they’ve been getting used to the idea for years, just waiting for their son to come out.

Be patient with him. Maybe after his parents have left town, you can have a heart-to-heart about planning his coming-out talk. But don’t push the envelope now, since their impending visit is right around the corner.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Two weeks ago, one of my close male friends broke things off with his girlfriend of over a year. He’s been a close friend for years, and we hang out in a tight-knit group of 30-something men and women. Some are married, some are dating, and some are single.

When he began dating this woman over a year ago, she started hanging out in our circle, going to bars and social events with us. None of the women in our group were crazy about her, but we were nice to her face. Now that their relationship is over, most of us would rather not have to continue hanging out with her. But apparently, she was closer to us than we were to her. She’s been calling some of us, wanting to go out for drinks and chat about how depressed she is.

The male friend is appalled that his ex wants to remain close to what he considers to be his group of friends. He’s wants us to cut her off, but I feel sorry for the girl. Is there a nice way to let her down?

— Not As Bitchy As I Sound

Dear Not As Bitchy,

Over the course of a year, it’s hard not to get close to your friends' significant others. This woman apparently didn’t have friends of her own to begin with or she’s lost them somewhere along the way.

Unfortunately, for you and the women in your group, that means your shoulders may be the only ones she has to cry on. The break-up is still relatively fresh, and it’s best that she’s not left to deal with her emotions alone. Although you’re not crazy about her company, it’s your duty as a woman to be there for her through these tough times.

You and your other friends could even be proactive about her healing. Take her out to meet new people, and maybe she’ll form relationships with other girlfriends and possibly even a new dude. When she seems to have improved emotionally, it will be easier to pull away. But be gentle in letting her down. When she calls to schedule a night out, tell her you’re busy and you may not be free for a while. Maybe she’ll take the hint. This is a case where a little white lie may be the best way to go.

In the nicest way possible, you may also need to let her know that her ex has been your friend for years. Explain to her that you’re not going to stop hanging out with him, and if she insists on going out with you and your friends, she’ll have no choice but to run into him. And how awkward would that be, right?

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

I was recently awarded a promotion at my company, which meant moving to a new office with a whole new set of co-workers. In my old position, my colleagues were mostly liberal Democrats with similar interests. We wore casual clothes, and the atmosphere was really laidback. I enjoyed going to work.

Now, I’m surrounded by suits, and from what I’ve gathered through eavesdropping, my new co-workers are much more conservative. I heard one guy complaining about Obama’s health care reform plan. Most of them are married with children. I’m not. And the few conversations I’ve had with my colleagues have been stiff and uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, I have to spend eight hours a day, five days a week with these people. How can I break the ice without coming across as the crazy liberal?

— The Crazy Liberal

Dear Crazy,

Though I can’t speak from experience in this situation (the Flyer office is packed with crazy liberals), I can tell you what I’d do if I were in your position. However, if my advice fails, don’t say you weren’t warned.

The best way to really get to know new people is spend a little time together at a bar. After the second or third (or fourth) cocktail, you’ll get a pretty good picture of their personality, likes, dislikes, etc. Hell, they may even divulge a few stories that you’d rather you hadn't heard.

Invite your colleagues to a happy hour. There may be some teetotalers in the office, but you’ll probably get a few folks to come. The idea is to find one or two office allies/friends, so your job will seem a more pleasant.

Be careful about bringing up politics. As the adage goes, “Alcohol and politics don’t mix.” Try to find other common ground with your co-workers. (If you really want to talk politics, save that for when all of you are sober.)

If, after drinking with them, you still can't relate to any of your new office-mates, just be thankful you got a promotion in this economy. Your co-workers might suck, but at least you’ve got co-workers to complain about.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com. ]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

My husband of 12 years recently made some major changes in his life. He used to be very absorbed in his work, with little time to spend with me. He never, ever joined my friends and me for dinner or other outings.

His workaholic tendencies almost led to a divorce several months ago. We talked it through and he decided to start spending less time at the office and more time socializing. He started joining me at social events and such. Unfortunately, after years of never seeing us together, my close friends have apparently formed an opinion about my husband as an arrogant, uncaring, work-obsessed asshole. They never expressed this directly to me, but I found out they’d been talking about our relationship behind my back.

Now that he’s entered the picture, my friends haven’t been very accepting. They’re cordial to his face, but when he isn’t around, I get plenty of flack for his sudden appearance in our social circle. How should I handle this?

— Patient Wife & Friend

Dear Patient Wife & Friend,

This is quite a predicament. On one hand, you’re still mending a fragile marriage, and it’s commendable that your husband is attempting to give work a backseat after so many years of neglecting you. But on the other hand, you have to understand that your best buds were there for you when your husband was not. They may be feeling a bit betrayed, now that the man who never joined the group is suddenly interested in becoming involved in your social life.

However, that doesn’t make their lack of acceptance okay. They should at least give your husband a chance to show that he’s not the “arrogant, uncaring, work-obsessed asshole” they thought he was. Let your friends know that their disapproval of your husband hurts your feelings. Explain that you’re giving him a second chance and they should as well.

There's no need to fill your husband in on your friends’ opinion of him. That may only hurt his feelings and push him away from hanging out with the group. Hopefully, in time, your buds will begin to see the new man that you see in your husband. Until then, be patient.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com. ]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]