One of my regular stops on the Internet trail is at Professor Hex's blog. The professor calls himself a "scholar of the strange and mysterious," and his site mainly consists of links to news accounts and stories on the web about flying saucers, bigfoot, ghosts, and other paranormal subjects.

Most of the links are interesting if you are intriqued, as I am, by weird stuff. But today, well, the ol' professor linked to one of the dumbest stories I've ever seen. It's a hilarious report by a Minnesota television station on some locals whose brooms stand up by themselves — as in they don't fall over when you stand them upright. The report is mind-bogglingly stupid faux journalism, the kind that is rampant all over the country, particularly in small markets. The formula is as follows: Raise a ridiculous question — in this case, "Standing Brooms: Is it spirits? Is it science? Is it simply the style of the brooms?" — then find "experts" to talk about it, i.e. a physics professor and a "pyschic." Simply hilarious. Trust me.

And what's even more hilarious is that it turns out that this "phenomenon" is happening all over the country. How do I know? I googled "standing brooms." Check out the headlines from local television "reports" from around the country: "Brooms Standing Up: Planets Aligning?"; "Magical Standing Broom Stuns Alabama Town"; "Standing Broom: Is It Paranormal?".

I love America. I can't wait to go home and stand up my broom. Then I'm calling Fox 13.

Strict liability strikes again.

“You are strictly liable whenever a prohibited substance is in your body,” says the first page of the PGA’s anti-doping manual.

Although Barron said he took testosterone and a beta-blocker drug for several years under a doctor’s care for treatment of a medical condition, the PGA Tour refused to give him a “therapeutic use exemption” (TUE), and Pham declined to give him a mulligan. Barron is the second Memphis athlete to make ESPN this year for alleged cheating. The first, of course, was former University of Memphis basketball star Derrick Rose, whose bogus SAT test cost the Tigers their 2007-2008 victories. (The university has appealed the NCAA’s ruling.)

By ordinary standards, Barron, 40 years old, is an excellent golfer. By PGA standards, he is a journeyman battling to qualify for a tour card in the PGA’s pressure-packed “Q-School.” In June he got a break: a sponsor’s exemption into the St. Jude Classic. He played two rounds, shooting 9-over-par 149 and failing to make the cut but not before he was drug tested. Barron did not dispute the positive test results and admitted to continued use of testosterone and propranolol. After again reviewing his medical records, the PGA Tour suspended him for one year.

With that, the relatively unknown Barron joined fellow athletes such as track star Marion Jones, cyclist Floyd Landis, and baseball player Manny Ramirez, all of whom were penalized for illegal drug use. Attorney Jeff Rosenblum argued that Barron is “disabled” under the Americans With Disabilities Act, because low testosterone levels “impair a major life activity,” namely intimacy with his wife. The beta-blocker, he said, was for treatment of a racing heart, and Barron’s doctor was trying to wean him off of it.

“This is an outrageous penalty when you compare it to baseball or football,” Rosenblum said.

Not so, said Rich Young, the PGA Tour’s lawyer. The rules are the rules, and Barron signed off on them and broke them.

“This isn’t fun or easy for anybody, but it’s the right thing for a sport to do,” Young said.

The drugs are banned because they’re performance enhancers that increase strength, speed recovery, and calm nerves. Young described a situation where a golfer needs to make up one stroke on the 18th hole and can either play it safe or go for the green on his second shot to get the last qualifying spot. On such decisions, tour cards are earned, and fortunes are made. Steve Stricker came through Q-School in 2005 and earned $6 million this year. And Memphian Shaun Micheel came out of nowhere to win the PGA Championship in 2003. Micheel’s name came up in court. Last year, he got a medical exemption to use testosterone. He and Barron are friends and are the same age. Micheel told ESPN.com last week that the PGA’s drug-testing process “nearly drove me out of the game” and made him question whether it was worth it to play pro golf. Young said he wouldn’t talk about Micheel “but if the facts had been the same, then his TUE request would have been turned down.”

Barron’s wife and this reporter were the only spectators at the hearing. The case has attracted international attention. Pham took three days to issue his 33-page ruling after first saying he might have it in a day. He called it “a close case.”

“If Barron is permitted to play in the second qualifying stage (Q-School), it could raise substantial public policy concerns regarding the enforcement of anti-doping policies in professional sports,” he wrote in his conclusion. Rosenblum hinted that he will probe the inner workings of the PGA Tour through the discovery process if the case goes to trial. It has been assigned to U.S. district judge Samuel H. Mays. In golf parlance, Barron went for the green instead of laying up, and his ball landed in the water. Now he has a year to think about it.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Dear Bianca,  

My husband and I recently learned that his parents will be buying a house on our street. My husband has never been very close to his folks. He’s worried that they will make a habit of the dreaded “pop in” visit for dinner every night as an excuse to see our kids more often. Meanwhile, my parents are jealous that his parents will get to spend more time with us. Help us keep the peace so we don’t become an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond”!    

--Nervous Neighbor

Dear Nervous,

What a nightmare! I love my parents and I love my boyfriend’s parents, but I certainly wouldn’t want to share a neighborhood with them. A little parental distance is a very healthy thing.

If this were the plot of a bad comedy film, you and your husband could rig up some scheme to convince the in-laws that their new dream house is haunted or cursed. But those silly schemes aren’t likely to work in real life, unless you can afford to move, you’ve really got no choice but to suck it up and call in the Welcome Wagon.

I suggest laying down some ground rules at the start. Once they’re settled in, invite the in-laws over for dinner. After tummies are full (and you’ve all downed a few glasses of wine) share your concerns. In the nicest way possible, explain that being neighbors makes you two a little nervous.

Tell them you’d love to spend more time with them (even if you’re lying), but you also need your space. Perhaps you could establish a family night once a week or every other week, making clear that the rest of the week will be reserved for you, your husband, and kids. Your family and the in-laws could take turns cooking dinner for family nights, and that would give grandma and grandpa a regular excuse to see the kids without popping in at random.

More than likely, the in-laws will understand. Once their kids have left the house, older parents enjoy their private time as well. I know my parents wouldn’t want me moving in next door, if it meant I’d be popping in on them everyday.

Your new living situation may work to your benefit. Having grandparents right down the street could mean having a babysitter on call. Also, you mentioned that your husband doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents, this might be a great opportunity for him to forge a closer relationship with them.

As for your own parents being jealous, they’ll just have to understand that the circumstances are out of your control, and they can’t hold that against you.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

There is little doubt that fear of bodily harm will make people a more careful with their words. Of course, there's also the very real possibility that two high-strung non-anonymous people will challenge each other to a fight in the real world, with tragic consequences. That's not something we want any part of.

Still, I must admit, I find it admirable when people post under their own names. It's like walking into the saloon unarmed. It's badass. Which is why I do it on the Flyer site. I'm a badass. Not really. I post anonymously on other sites, just like most people. I post as myself on the Flyer site because I believe it would be unethical of me to post under a pseudonym on my own site.

The fact is, I don't believe anonymity is necessarily a bad thing. I get many weird, scary, unbelievable communications from people anonymously that I wouldn't get if they used their real identities. I think this is helpful. It lets me know that real evil, real assholes, and really twisted people exist out there. I like being forewarned. (All their IP addresses, emails, comments, and grungy hand-scrawled letters and envelopes, etc. are neatly preserved, in case they are ever needed.)

On a less serious note, I just like it that people can create noms du web that allow them to express themselves without restraint. They may be at work (most likely) and posting under their real names could jeopardize their job. There are many reasons people may prefer to remain anonymous. And that's okay by me. If they cross the line, we can just eliminate the comment. If they cross the line repeatedly, we can simply block them from participating.

I liken the Flyer website to a big neighborhood saloon. You may not know the guy you started talking politics with at the bar, but you argue in a civil way, if at all possible. If things get out of hand, the ol' bartender walks over with his Louisville Slugger and gently thumps the table.

In a chat room, ideas are the important thing, not identities. If someone's an ass, or a "troll" as they're called in cyberworld, it's best to let them stew in the corner rather than provoking them. But I say let's keep the conversation flowing. Let's enjoy the camaraderie with our anonymous and not-so-anonymous pals on MemphisFlyer.com. Better to communicate anonymously than to fume alone in the dark.

And should we ever meet in the real world, feel free to introduce yourself. Or not.

The two giants are Baptist Memorial Health Care Corporation, with 32 percent of the Memphis market and rising, and Methodist Le Bonheur Healthcare, with 37 percent of the Memphis market. St. Jude Children's Research Hospital specializes in childhood cancer and has a small share of the market.

In a report in October affirming Baptist's "AA" bond rating, Standard & Poor's noted that Baptist "has identified more than $933 million of fixed income and equity assets," commonly known as stocks and bonds. In the 11 months ending in August, Baptist's revenues exceeded expenses by $88 million, up from $36 million in 2006, when it was in a slump. This year's results and 5 percent operating margin have far exceeded the hospital's own forecast of an operating margin of less than 1 percent.

Methodist isn't doing quite as well but has a very strong balance sheet and an "A" credit rating. According to its third-quarter financial statement, Methodist has $711 million in cash, an increase of $88 million this year. Patient service revenue increased by $23 million, or 2.6 percent over the same period last year. Methodist's operating margin is 4.5 percent, with operating income of $56 million for the first nine months of 2009.

The term "nonprofit" as opposed to "for-profit" hospital systems such as Tenet Healthcare, which has 14 percent of the Memphis market, does not mean Baptist and Methodist don't make a lot of money. They do, even during a recession and a national "health-care crisis." They don't pay taxes, because they each provided more than $275 million of charity care last year, by their own accounting.

So did the Med. And if the Med cuts back or closes, that charity care will have to go somewhere else. And there's the rub. Charity care is crucial for mission statements and tax exemptions but bad for balance sheets and credit ratings. The founders' vision is the financier's risk.

Baptist hospital was founded in 1912 by churchmen in Tennessee, Arkansas, and Mississippi "to render quality health care to all in this area in keeping with the tenets of our church." Methodist's mission is "supporting and extending the health and welfare ministries of the Memphis, Arkansas, and Mississippi annual conferences of the United Methodist Church."

For nearly a century, a Baptist hospital of some sort was a Medical Center landmark, until its 20-story building between Union and Madison was closed in 2000 and demolished in 2005. Baptist now has 14 hospitals and one rehabilitation facility but nothing in the Medical Center. Its growth has been in the suburbs and the tri-state region. Its board of directors includes only one Memphian: president and chief executive officer Stephen Reynolds.

This is how the audit and financial reports describe indigent care: "Hospitals may be susceptible to economic and political changes that could increase the number of indigents or the hospitals' responsibility for caring for this population." And this: "The indigent care communities could constitute a material and adverse risk in the future."

From this perspective, Methodist could be more "at risk" than Baptist, because its hospitals are closer to indigent populations. In addition to expanding its Germantown hospital, it is replacing Le Bonheur on Dunlap. If the Med closes, Methodist could see its market share increase but its revenues decrease as doctors and paying patients migrate eastward and non-paying patients go to Le Bonheur or Methodist University hospital on Union Avenue.

The Med has a proud 180-year history and a lousy balance sheet. In 1981, it was incorporated as the Regional Medical Center for indigent care for a six-state area. In partnership with the University of Tennessee medical school, it has trained more than half the physicians practicing in Tennessee.

But it loses money. The Med lost $33 million from operations in 2005, $38 million in 2006, $39 million in 2007, and $40 million in 2008. The loss was partially offset by a contribution from Shelby County government of $25 million to $31 million a year.

Hospitals are desirable talent magnets for cities, part of the "eds and meds" equation. The issue is who's going to take the hit for indigent care?

At least, it used to be. But now the bottom of my computer screen is constantly teasing me, trying to divert me from the task at hand. As I write this, for example, the e-mail icon is tirelessly bouncing up and down, indicating some fresh e-juice awaits. The Twitter alert is popping onscreen in the lower right-hand corner every few seconds, letting me know that one or more of my "friends" has posted an update.

How the hell am I supposed to work? How can I possibly ignore my friends? See, here's an email letting me know that someone wants to be my friend on Facebook. A new friend!! How great is that!

I know. I know. I could and should turn off the alerts. Shut out the cyberworld. Focus.

But I don't wanna. Besides, I'm in the news and entertainment biz. If I shut off the outside world, I'll miss something important.

For instance, since 8:00 this morning I've learned the following from Twitter:
A man was arrested for trying to burn the gay pride flag in Cooper-Young; Hippolite Tsafack will play basketball for the University of Memphis; there will be a speed-dating event at SOB tonight; WREG reporter Mike Matthews joked that he is known as the King of cold cuts; the Memphis Airport has become a nation-wide joke on Twitter, thanks to R.C. Johnson's referring to it as a recruiting asset. And that's just the minimal highlights gleaned from 148 tweets. There's so much more.

E-mail, for instance. All day long, my email has been delivering even more exciting news: Marsha Blackburn is doing something patriotic for Veterans Day; four bands want their CD reviewed; several folks think my penis needs improvement; my buddy Jerry wants to play golf Saturday; somebody thinks we should run a different astrology column (the one he writes) in the Flyer; there's a new recycling thingie called "trash talk" that's perfect for tailgating and parties. And those are just a very few of the highlights from the more than 220 e-mails I've received so far today.

So you see, I couldn't possibly shut off the outside cyber-world. This is vital information, necessary for my work. Without it, for example, I couldn't possibly have written this blog post.

Well, I've done it again. Remember Hart's Bakery, Anderton's, Shifty Logan, the Bitter Lemon, the original Skateland, the notorious Whirlaway Club and their sexy dancers, and other people and places from the past? They're all featured in the 2010 Ask Vance Calendar, along with dozens and dozens of other rare images of our city. Just look at the cover! Fancy, huh?

Now I know you'd like to hang on to that old calendar forever. But it really won't do you much good after the end of the year, so it's time to buy a new one — AND GET A 12-MONTH SUBSCRIPTION TO MEMPHIS MAGAZINE AT THE SAME TIME. A tremendous bargain, if I do say so, for just $12. Heck, that's only half what we used to charge for tours of the Lauderdale Mansion, and all you saw was the basement, crawlspace, and cesspool (where I spent so many happy, happy hours).

You can also order a gift subscription for your friends, while you're at it. Remember, if you like reading "Ask Vance" and also enjoy the weird posts I put on this blog, you'd better keep those subscriptions coming in, or Vance Lauderdale hits the streets, looking for another job. One with dignity, I mean.

And just think of the poor children! No — not MY children. Just bratty children in general.

So call 901-575-9470 or go HERE to order a calendar and keep me employed. It's a win-win situation for all of us.

Dear Bianca,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a month now, and I think I’m really falling for him. I feel so happy when we’re together, which is something I haven’t felt for awhile. I’m 18 years old and about to graduate from high school, but he’s 21.

Despite my feelings for him, I’ve noticed a slight change in his behavior lately. He acts like he’s not as into me as he once was. So I’m a little worried that he’s cheating on me or maybe that he’s just lost interest. He says he hasn’t lost interest, but I don’t believe him. He does talk about other girls, but he says they’re just friends.

I really need him, and I’m totally freaking out. How can I make him love me? My happiness depends on this relationship. If you tell me I should leave him, I won’t do it. I won’t leave him unless I really catch him cheating or if he breaks up with me. What should I do?

— Hopelessly In Love

Dear Hopeless,

Love is a tricky thing. It has to come from both sides in a relationship or it’s just not going to work. That’s a universal truth that you have no choice but to accept.

But don’t give up hope just yet. You’ve only been with this guy for a month. You may truly be in love or you may just be infatuated. It’s hard to say after only a month.

What you see as him “losing interest” might actually mean that he’s just getting comfortable in the relationship. The need to see each other every minute tends to wear off after a while. (If he sticks with you, you’ll eventually have to deal with worse. He’ll probably start farting around you; he might get fat. That’s when your love for him will really be tested.)

The fact that he talks about other girls doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you. If he was cheating, do you think he’d talk about those other girls in front of you? Doubtful.

If he says he’s still into you, then he’s probably telling the truth. So long as he returns your phone calls and makes an effort to hang out with you regularly, your relationship is probably okay.

But regardless, it sounds like you have some serious dependency issues. Your happiness shouldn’t totally depend on your boyfriend. That’s extremely dangerous. If he does break up with you, it sounds like your world may turn upside down. And if you’re too absorbed and emotionally dependent on him, that sort of thing will push a guy away quickly.

No matter what happens with this relationship, I’d suggest seeing a psychiatrist for some self-confidence 101.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com]]> [ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

And then a few days ago, a reader who identified himself only as skipchip, sent me this message:
The owner of the Tropical Freeze, Eleanora Waddell, died January 15, 2007 in Memphis. Several items from the shop were recently stored in Memphis. I have photos of some of the menu boards.

I immediately wrote back and asked for photos of the signs, and here you go (more images below). Notice that he also has a few decorative panels as well, with brightly painted palm tree designs.

Looking over the menus, the selection at the Tropical Freeze wasn't really very unusual, but you'll notice they did offer such oddities as "Tropical Sundaes" (just 35 cents), a Papaya Juice Pina Colada (25 cents), and even an ice cream flavor they called (what else?) "Tropical Freeze" ( a whole pint for just 30 cents).

Also, their "Tropical Shakes" were "made with our own Tropical Freeze — a delightful blend — of island-grown products." What's more, they were "nature's most healthful, non-fattening and refreshing flavors."

Many, many thanks for sharing all these pictures, Chip. If you want to sell any of these to the Lauderdale Library, well, you know how to reach me. (See more photos on the next page.)

Whew. That must have been some party!

But while I was in that lovely town, I wandered past this football stadium. It wasn't a very large place, so I imagine it must have been for a local high school. What I most recall, though — in fact, it was the only thing I can remember about Ripley — was the curious sign on the place.

It's called Tiny Knee Stadium.

Does anybody know why?

The Commercial Appeal reported today that there were similar problems at Alexander's previous employer, the Animal Services Division of Albuquerque, New Mexico. Alexander was hired by the Herenton administration after the proverbial "nationwide search."

• Bianca Phillips
• Vigil at Memphis Animal Shelter

The public's outrage was fueled by photos in local media of starving animals and the disgusting conditions at the shelter. There have been dozens of letters to the editor, comments on websites and, last night, a candlelight vigil. And as might have been predicted, numerous reactive letters and comments immediately appeared along the lines of: "How come all these people are outraged about animals when (pick one) 1) babies are being aborted 2) children are being shot 3) people are being murdered at Fort Hood ..."

It's so tiresome and misguided. The director and employees of the Animal Shelter betrayed the public's trust. We expected them to treat animals in their care humanely and compassionately. Instead, they ran an animal holocaust. Why shouldn't people be pissed and why shouldn't they protest vociferously? And what's that got to do with drive-by shootings? They are also horrible, but caring passionately about one cause does not preclude people from caring passionately about another cause.

I don't understand why it's somehow deemed clever or insightful to demean the outrage because it's "just about animals." As in, "I love my dog, but he's not as important as my Momma." Well, duh.

Comparing the importance of causes is not insightful or clever. It's predictable and meaningless. If you feel your issues are more important, then by all means organize, protest, make your voice heard. But lay off the silly conflation of issues. It's apples and kittens.

Even in a real estate crisis, some numbers jump out at you. At that price, you might think the mall on Austin Peay Highway is closed or bulldozed, like the old Mall of Memphis.

But the doors of the main entrance were open at 8 a.m. this week, and the woman mopping the floor said walkers can come in at 9 a.m. and shoppers at 10 a.m. There are about 30 tenants listed on the building directory, including fast-food restaurants, sporting-goods stores, jewelers, and a Malco 12-screen theater with five screens currently in use. A Sears that was not part of the sale remains open. But Dillard's and JC Penney are gone, their signs stripped off the anchor stores, leaving only the shadow of their names. An expressway-style flyover provides quick access from Raleigh's main drag to Interstate 40 and newer suburbs.

The mall is a symptom of what ails Memphis. There are vast empty spaces from Raleigh to Hickory Hill to the fairgrounds to Overton Square to the Pyramid looking to hook up with Bass Pro, Target, Trader Joe's, or some other retailer. But planners say there is a simple reason why there's not much action.

"There is way too much retail for this community to support," said Robert Lipscomb, head of the Memphis Division of Housing and Community Development. "There is not enough demand to support all these malls."

Less than a mile from the Raleigh Springs Mall on Austin Peay Highway there is a Kmart store and a Walmart. Lipscomb, along with the Greater Memphis Chamber of Commerce and neighborhood leaders, tried to get the Walmart to move into the mall, but Walmart could not find a user for its current building, so it is staying put.

Dexter Muller, senior vice president of community development for the chamber, said Memphis malls have been cannibalizing one another for years as the population moves east and south.

"The beginning of the end for Raleigh Springs was when Wolfchase Galleria opened," he said. "The next new mall blows out everything behind it."

Muller and Lipscomb said Raleigh's "fundamentals" are still good. There are more than 100,000 people who live between Frayser and Raleigh. The Raleigh Community Council is one of the strongest neighborhood groups in the city.

"Raleigh is a diverse community with stable incomes and good neighborhoods," Lipscomb said. "We've got to make it work."

The city has hired a planning firm, Looney Ricks Kiss, to help research the market and figure out what to do. Federal stimulus money could play a role. Muller said Southland Mall in Whitehaven has survived the loss of key anchors, but battling decline and attracting new businesses "is like trench warfare." If neighborhood residents don't "buy everything they can within the neighborhood" then retailers fail, he said.

Several remedies already have been tried, including the movie theater, which was lured by an $11 million investment by the mall's previous owner. Lipscomb notes that multiplex theaters have had crowd problems recently that can drive away more business than they attract. The current mall owner, Whichard Real Estate based in North Carolina, has not announced its plans. A Memphian who is familiar with the company from when it owned Southland Mall calls them "speculators."

"I don't know what the best prospects are," Lipscomb said. "Probably some kind of retail unique to the area. That's one reason to bring in the outside expertise."

Kevin Brooks, president of the neighborhood council, has lived in Raleigh since 1997. He and his wife raised three children there. He hopes the new owners, whom he has not yet met, can attract an anchor tenant. The mall is "beautiful on the inside" despite little patronage.

"Something like a Target store would conform with the status of Raleigh," he said. "We don't have a whole lot of low-income areas, and we don't have many high-income residents. We are pretty much a good representation of Memphis in the middle class. We do have the perception of being a violent area, but if you look at police reports, they actually pulled police out of our area and sent them to other areas. I hate to see the news pointing fingers at Raleigh."