October 06, 2004 News » News Feature

BARNSTORMING 

Edwards nails Cheney, and the media can't get any dumber.

by Chris Davis
LIMP DICK Vice President Cheney had one thing going for him during his debate with John Edwards. Unlike President Bush he can think on his feet and doesn’t look like Barney Fife on low-quality crank. But Grandpa Dick still came off as grumpy, detached, and colder than a dead man’s kiss. And then there are the lies. For starters, the Vice President said he’s never met John Edwards before the debate. But there are pictures proving otherwise, and here’s one of them.
Then Cheney said he’d never suggested a connection between Saddam and 9/11. But he’s famous for both suggesting and saying exactly that. It’s all preserved on video, so there’s no running away from it. To make such a stupid, transparent lie during a nationally televised debate where your opponent is repeatedly calling you a liar isn’t just dumb. It’s dumb like the shirtless guy on C.O.P.S. who keeps telling the officers he’s “110% against doing drugs,” but he’s really so high he’s forgotten about the joint behind his ear. Amazing. Then, as if to deliberately sabotage himself Cheney tarred John Kerry for voting against the same defense projects that he--while serving as Secretary of Defense--also chose to cut. This bizarre campaign tactic has already received extensive media play, and now it’s going to get some more. Incredible. Edwards won this debate in one definitive swoop. When the Vice President turned hatchet man and tried to make his opponent sound like an insubstantial absentee Senator, Edwards told America that Dick Cheney voted against Head Start programs, and Meals on Wheels. Cheney offered up a vague political smear, and Edwards countered with specific evidence that Dick Cheney’s values are not in line with those of the Average American voter--”red states” included. When offered a chance for rebuttal the Vice President bowed just his head like the Devil in that old Charlie Daniels’ song, and passed. John Edwards did seem a little flighty. But he also seemed honest, while the specter of Halliburton with its Enron-style accounting, it’s offshore subsidiaries, and its no-bid government contracts loomed over Cheney like the Ghost of Christmas Past. Like Reagan who--love him or hate him--exuded optimism, Edwards offered hope in troubled times. Cheney made with more scare tactics. But most importantly, Edwards--citing specific examples--made it perfectly clear who comes down on the side of Big Industry, and who’s looking out for the people. Best of all, instead of directing voters to factcheck.org, Dick Cheney sent them to factcheck.com Try typing that in your browser and see where it takes you. And now enough of this foolishness, on to what really matters Reason the media is stupid number eleventy-thousand Flipping through channels for some post-debate chatter I heard a disquieting meme put forward several times by the Heathers of our 24-hour telepunitry: Choosing the man who’s going to be a heartbeat away from the presidency is going more important in this election year--yes, you’ve guessed it-- because of the threat of terrorism. As has been the case more and more often lately, eloquence fails and all I can say is “WTF?” This observation made by so many of our talking hairpieces is so shallow it’s almost deep, and very nearly terrifying. Even in recent times, relative to the office of President, there have been assassinations and near assassinations.
Saddam tried to have the first George Bush rubbed out. An ex-Mansonite took pot shots at Ford. Reagan was shot for the Love of Jody Foster. Kennedy was killed by whomever you think he was killed by, I’m tired of arguing. In 1974 Samuel Byck killed the pilot of a commercial airliner in an attempt to fly it into the White House and kill Richard Nixon. On September 11--1994, that is-- Frank Eugene Corder flew a Cessna into the Clinton White House.
The fact that Condi Rice couldn’t imagine terrorists using airplanes as a missile is pretty stunning. There have been attempts to slaughter American presidents for about as long as there have been American Presidents, and at least one of these attempts involved an aircraft. Poor Frank Corder didn’t hate Clinton, he just wanted to get his name on headline news when he died, but still... So why would the media decide that Terrorism makes our choice for Veep so much more important today than it has been in the past? Could it be that the President--the most heavily guarded man in America-- is somehow less safe than he was four years ago? Gosh, then what does that say about the safety of the average Janes and Joes out there in the heartland? Poor media-sluts. They can’t even whore right anymore.

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