I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years. He'd been living in Europe for the past year of our relationship because he took a temporary job making double the salary he made in the states. A few months into the job, he was hired full-time, and he decided to stay put.
We tried to have a long-distance relationship for a while, but Europe's a long way from here. Plus, as a socially-active gay man in Memphis, I was meeting other guys at parties and bars. Though I wasn't as attracted to them as I was to my boyfriend, at least they were here.
We broke up because it was just too hard to maintain the long-distance relationship. I still love him, but I'm dating someone else. I'm not as into the new guy, but he's okay for now.
Then, last weekend, my ex showed up at my front door. He was on a business trip back to the states, and he wanted to surprise me. He spent the night at my place before catching a plane overseas. He told me he still loves me and wouldn't mind mending the relationship if that's what I wanted.
Now all the old feelings are stirred up. I don't know if I should break up with the new guy and get back with my ex despite the distance or stick with the new boyfriend. Can't I just have them both?
-- Torn Between Two Men
Dear Torn Between,
Many guys (and girls) would kill to have your problem. Two men are throwing themselves at you, and you can't decide who you want. Damn, life is hard!
This is a circumstance where, if you play your cards right, you can have your cake and eat it too. Have you ever discussed the possibility of an open relationship with the ex? If he's still as in to you as you say he is, he probably wouldn't have a problem taking you back. But with the distance between you, it'd be silly not to expect him to get a little action on the side. The same goes for you. But don't get back with your ex and then cheat on him. That's wrong.
If the ex (or you) isn't into the idea of an open relationship, you've got to make a choice. If you go with the ex, you can count on not getting laid for a long time. But then again, you'll have someone you really love. And maybe one day, he'll move back. Or perhaps you could consider moving there.
On the other hand, if you stay with the new guy, you won't have to worry about your libido. But if you don't really love the guy, the relationship may not last that much longer, anyway.
Give it some time. Ponder your options. Make a pros and cons list. In the end, you'll either choose to follow your heart or your sex drive. Got a problem? Bianca can solve it ... or least give you crappy advice that you can choose to ignore. Send advice queries to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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