By the time this clairvoyant column hits the streets, the first Fox News/Facebook debate between the 87 declared GOP candidates will have already taken place. But just like Nostradamus, I already know what's going to happen.
The Fox clan will determine the top 10 contenders by their popularity ranking in the latest national polls, which coincidentally is the same way they do it on American Idol.
Fox News boss Roger Ailes has chosen crack journalists Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly, and Chris Wallace to be the ringmasters of this circus, and since the bottom three contestants are statistically even, Ailes will probably pick who he thinks will give the best television. This debate is definitive proof that the de-facto leader of the Republican Party is Fox News. My crystal ball has told me what the Top 10 will say, starting with ...
Donald Trump: The darling of the Tea Party and low-knowledge voter will make an attempt at dignity, until someone points out what an asshole he is, then Trump will go off and call everyone a loser and a horrible person and make damaging remarks about some opponent's personal life. He'll insist that he's a nice person and that people like him, sort of like Al Franken minus the humor. Then he'll rail about "illegals" and try to justify his comments about rapists by citing the abhorrent singular murder in San Francisco. He'll build an impregnable fence, but it will be the classiest fence ever built. It's time to put a winner in the White House. The four personal bankruptcies and three wives were just a speed bump.
Scott Walker: The wildly unpopular governor of Wisconsin will mention that he's already won two elections, although one was a recall prompted by the signatures of thousands of angry citizens who mobbed the Capitol Building in Madison. The recall was narrowly defeated thanks to a fortune in Koch brothers money. He will say his comparison of protesters with ISIS was poorly worded, but if elected president, the college dropout will immediately target this country's greatest threat — the teachers' union.
Jeb Bush: "The other white meat" will insist that he's his own man and will profess his love for his father and his brother without mentioning either of them by name. He'll deflect accusations of being "soft" on immigration and say that Trump's comments about Mexicans were hurtful and vulgar — only he'll say it in the nicest possible way. Bush will mention his Mexican wife and love of the Hispanic people, appealing to them by hablando un poco español. He will say that his remarks about his endorsement of the Iraq war and his comments about "phasing out" Medicare were taken out of context.
Dr. Ben Carson: The brilliant neurosurgeon will tell his truly remarkable story and mention his recognized excellence in his field. Then he'll compare Obamacare to slavery and the Democrats to the Nazis. He'll discuss his opposition to gay marriage and attempt to explain away the fact that he has never run for or been elected to anything. He has said, "We live in a Gestapo age, [but] people don't realize it." With his fondness for Nazi references, you might let him work on your brain but not on your country.
Marco Rubio: He will pander to the Latino vote, even though Hispanics probably know the difference between a Mexican, a Puerto Rican, and a Cuban from Miami. He'll condemn the new Cuba agreement, saying Obama made a deal with a communist dictator. He will mention his parents' ordeal, and when asked if he, as a freshman senator, is prepared to be president, he will compare himself to John F. Kennedy. When asked about climate change, he will say he's not a scientist and then plead for a glass of water.
Mike Huckabee: The Huck will double down on his remarks comparing the recent Iran accords to "marching the Israelis to the oven door." He will say that the president is feckless and naive and then repeat his quote, "It doesn't embarrass me one bit to let you know that I believe Adam and Eve were real people." Wait until someone tells him they were black.
Rand Paul: The Ayn Rand acolyte will first have to explain why he tried to pass a law allowing him to run for president and senator at the same time. He will discuss his opposition to Medicare and Social Security and parts of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. He'll say he wants to fix Social Security but wants you to forget about his statement that "reform is going to happen, and I hope it's privatization," or "The fundamental reason why Medicare is failing is why the Soviet Union failed."
Ted Cruz: The loathsome reincarnation of Joseph McCarthy will repeat his statements that "Obama is the world's largest financier of Islamic terrorism," and "This is an administration that seems bound and determined to violate every single one of our Bill of Rights," thus disqualifying him from further serious consideration for high office.
The other debators will be like a game of musical chairs between Chris "Bridgegate" Christie, Rick "Oops" Perry, and John Kasich, who stands a real chance of being shunned in the state of which he is governor. A Kasich staffer summed it up when he compared preparing for these debates to getting ready for a NASCAR race when one of the drivers is drunk. After all, who would you rather watch? Donald Trump or Carly Fiorina? My prediction is that the ratings for the debate will be "yoooge" and Fox will sign all the candidates to a glorified version of Hollywood Squares. There will definitely be a sequel, and it will be bigger, classier, and more spectacular than Sharknado 3.
Did I mention Benghazi?