One day, a few months ago, I did something I still feel guilty about. I was at a party with a few friends and things on the dance floor were getting a little out of control. Like English soccer riot out of control. So, after being hit in the head with an elbow for the 30th time, I got angry. And then I poured my beer down someones dress.
Now, Im not proud of this. Im ashamed. And if the person I did this to is reading this, Im really sorry. But Id just gotten fed up with everyone who was drunk and stupid.
Now, having been drunk before once or twice in my life, I understand that the motor and nervous systems can get all out of whack. Some people pass out, some people throw up, and some even pee, which by the way, is really gross. I wasnt even drunk at all and I poured beer on someone. So it s no surprise that people can be rude while theyre sipping on the gin and juice.
But sometimes the level of rudeness surprises me. One early morning I was at Earnestine and Hazels, doing the whole dancing queen thing (although not very successfully because the person feeding the juke box was either temporarily insane, on Valium, or just really, really wanted to slow dance). Finally though, a good song came on and my friend and I shucked both beer and bags onto a nearby counter so we could dance.
Now I was keeping one eye on my purse, just in case (I mean, I do keep my lipstick in there), when a friendly couple stopped and lingered nearby. It being in the a.m. and me being tired, I was ready to karate chop both of them if they tried to grab my purse, which I would never do in daylight hours.
Instead, and to my horror, Mr. Man goes and lifts his girlfriend up onto the counter, and suddenly, though I can still see my purse, my beer was obstructed by her massive assive (okay, it wasnt that big, but it was also smack dab in front of my beer and how was I to save my drink if they started making out? One couple on the dance floor was already rounding third, so it wasnt completely unheard of).
To all of our credit, I politely tapped her on the shoulder and said, Excuse me, but I think youre sitting on my beer, and they both smiled and she handed me a bottle.
Now, the bottle was half full, but I dont think it was mine. And I was so not in the mood for roofies (lets be honest, its really a drug Im never in the mood for). So Im like, No, I think its the one behind you, but of course I didnt want to snake my hand around her, so I pointed to her bum and waited. She gave me another beer, and it could have been mine, but as I said, I was not in the mood for roofies, so said beer was ditched.
Now I know this incident is not a big deal. I shouldnt have left my beer lying around if I still wanted it. And they were rather nice about returning it. I guess my problem was that they didnt even think I might be sketched out by the fact that this girl had basically sat down on all of our stuff.
And then, while she remained on our stuff, her man started dancing around my friend and me like we were tuna and he was a very drunk shark. He would samba over and we would cha-cha away. But the dancing area at E&Hs isnt that big (especially with one corner taken over by people having dancing-sex) and my friend and I were somehow herded next to the girlfriend on the counter, boxed in like little guppies (just to stick with the fishy analogies). It was horribly disconcerting, in fact, so much so that we left shortly thereafter. You can only run for so long.
It just seems like impolite social behavior is the norm in clubs and bars after dark (I certainly didnt help with that beer-pouring episode, I know). But every time I go out, either Ill get stepped on or fallen over or herded about like a guppy or, the most heinous of all sins, some guy will start grinding me from behind.
Can I tell you how much I like that? Because oh, I really do. Every girl does, I think. Where someone youve never even seen before, much less talked to, comes up behind you and suddenly youre getting all biblical and you didnt say that was okay, thats awesome. I could go on a long rant about this, but I wont. I just hope everyone got the sarcasm.
The thing is, its not just me who these things happen to. Its everybody. And barring those actions we talked about before (the vomiting, the passing out, the peeing), they arent involuntary. You can stop them.
All Im asking for is a little consideration. If youre dancing, and theres not much room, dance a little smaller. If youre the only one out there, by all means, swing those arms and get down with your bad self. But if not, watch where youre going. As for that grinding thing, never touch my bum with ANY part of your body unless I give you the green light. And last but not least, do not sit on my beer under any circumstances.
As for me, Ill try not to pour my drink on you. Deal?
( Mary Cashiola writes about life every Friday @ memphisflyer.com. Youre invited to come along.