FALLING INTO DISGRACELAND 

FALLING INTO DISGRACELAND

I was going to write about how I went to my very first strip club last week and how the symbolism of seeing dollar bills shoved in g-strings made me want to give up feminism altogether because it’s just too hard a battle, find myself a little sugar poppa, and spend my days watching soap operas in a well-decorated apartment as opposed to schlubbing away over an iMac. I mean, if some guy is willing to foot my bills, why shouldn’t I let him? Well, I was going to write about that, but it made me seem really bitter about being a woman and having to strive to be a success in both the boardroom and the bedroom (I, of course, don’t have to strive; I’m just saying that there are a lot of demands on women these days between jobs, families, and gettin’ a little loving on the side) and then this little piece of paper arrived on my desk like a present from the gods and I thought I would take this opportunity to share it with you. According to a press release from Edy’s, “the latest research on ‘flavorology’ conducted for Edy’s Grand Ice Cream by the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, ice cream preferences not only provide an indicator of personality type, but also offer insights on romantic compatibility.” So is your favorite ice cream mint chocolate chip? According to Edy’s, you tend to be ambitious and confident. Coffee your blend? You’re lively, dramatic, and flirtatious. Strawberry? You’re thoughtful, logical, and don’t mind working behind the scenes. Rocky Roaders tend to be charming and goal-oriented; Butter Pecans are devoted, respectful, and fiscally conservative. And for those who choose Vanilla, the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation found them to be dramatic risk takers who are emotionally expressive and idealistic. This is way better than astrology or numerology. The question is, are Strawberries compatible with Strawberries or does a Strawberry need a Rocky Road? On the one hand, if your icy love match works out, it’s so much better financially to only have to buy one flavor. On the other hand, you don’t want to be fighting over which one of you had the last bite in the pint. Going back to my dessert love chart, the answer is a bit sticky. Strawberries actually are compatible with Strawberries, Rocky Roads, Mint Chocolate Chips, and Vanillas (apparently, Strawberry isn’t far from Slut). Chocolate Chippers stick with chocolate chippers; Coffees like Strawberries (didn’t we already go over this?). Rocky roads rock with Rocky Roads but Vanilla lovers prefer Rocky Roads, too and Butter Pecan people like Mint Chocolate Chippers. Got all that? Apparently, if you like Butter Pecan, even if you do “show integrity” in all your actions, you ain’t getting any of the booty. Not even off the Strawberries. Unfortunately, and you might be feeling the same way, my favorite flavor is Chocolate. And this doesn’t say anything about Chocolates. If I didn’t absolutely hate mint chocolate chip, I would just fudge my way into that category. As it is, I’m leaning toward Rocky Road (charming and engaging in social situations sounds just like me). So there we have it. If this has helped you find your perfect match, let me share the only tip I picked up from my strip club experience: Red light is very kind on flab. And if you’re going to be picking up your next date based on your mutual love of ice cream, it might be something you want to think about. ( Mary Cashiola writes about life every Friday @ memphisflyer.com. You’re invited to come along.)

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