Fly on the Wall 

My Happiness

$38,000 -- to a stripper, that's a big stack of singles. And that's how much Memphis taxpayers spent to fund a study of the Bluff City's famously raunchy strip joints. The sum seems particularly large since an explicitly detailed, frequently updated account of the goings-on in our local shake shacks can be accessed free of charge at www.tuscl.com. The message board features hundreds of consumer reports written for strip-club users by strip-club users. The below comments, excerpted from several reviews of various local clubs, tell a special story about a special kind of relationship and provide a cheap, definitive answer to Memphis' $38,000 question.

• "I went in looking for a day shift dancer from a previous trip but she had moved on. The others were all very aggressive, rubbing Mr. Happy, trying to entice a dance."

• "After about 2 minutes of this, Mr. Happy was rising like the 'Pillsbury Dough Boy'..."

• "Had a great time Saturday afternoon ... Stopped in and watched a little football while having Mr. Happy massaged."

• "We sat around at one of the tables drinking our brews and catching up on travels, clubbing, and our future plans. Kind of difficult to do when Mr. Happy is being rubbed on."

• "Well, it wasn't long before [the dancer] found out I was going 'commando' ... and stroked Mr. Happy a few times."

• "During the next 25 minutes, Mr. Happy was getting his skin-to-skin hand massage."

• "To make things short, she allowed (more like insisted) and ENJOYED a little DATY.* She did return the favor a little for Mr. Happy of course."

[* Internet abbreviation for "Dine at the Y." Ick.]

• "Good club ... Mr. Happy had a great time ... and this is what counts."

• "[T]hanks Nia for that nice compliment about Mr. Happy!"

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