Remember all the advertising Comcast did assuring cable subscribers that even after the digital switch they wouldn't need any special boxes, bells, or buzzers? Well, oopsie! If you're a Comcast cable subscriber and you want to watch MSNBC — now moved to Channel 81 — you'll need a digital box. Customer service representatives say MSNBC decided that this was a beneficial move for them, which makes perfect sense in an imaginary world where it's beneficial for a news network to have fewer viewers.
News has spread far and wide that Ann, the Memphis Zoo's gigantic reticulated python, died at age 18. Even the Ethiopian Review noted that Ann, an older-than-average python with a fondness for 30-pound baby pig dinners, has shed her last skin.
But what's lost in these reports is historical context. Can anybody outside of the greater Memphis area understand that when Mayor W.W. Herenton first announced his resignation, many of our indigenous snakes simply lost their will to live?
Adulterous state senator Paul Stanley told WREC radio, "Whatever I stood for and advocated, I still believe to be true." What he laid down for is entirely unrelated.
According to a press release from the district attorney's office, the High Point Pinch, a bar and grill apparently named for the staff's reputation for smoking fat doobies with the clientele, has been allowed to reopen after management admitted that the club had been a public nuisance and agreed to a variety of conditions.
According to the district attorney's office, employees who sell pot must be fired, and security guards must be hired to enforce a general smoking ban that extends to cigarette lighters. The measure will force drug dealers back into neighborhoods and will force patrons to light candles with their guns.