I used to wonder how the writers for The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, the Late Show with David Letterman, The Tonight Show, and other topical comedy programs managed to come up with so much fresh material every night. But no more. There's so much fodder being pumped out through the Internet, even I could come up with 30 minutes' worth of laughs. Consider just a few stories I came across today:
Flake on a Plane: How can you not laugh at the nonstop network "news" coverage of the supposed killer of JonBenet Ramsey, including breathless reports on what he ate (prawns!!!!) on the plane returning him to the States. Heck, just show a couple of minutes of Nancy Grace's near-orgasmic interrogation of her various nutjob guests. Comedy gold.
Shock and Oy: Many Iraeli reservists who were called into action in the Lebanon incursion returned to Israel and immediately began staging protest demonstrations demanding the resignation of the prime minister, the defense minister, and the army chief of staff. Apparently they were members of the Fighting Chutzpah Battalion.
I Will Always Love You: I bet you didn't know Osama bin Laden is smitten with Whitney Houston. Me neither, but Kola Boof, a Sudanese poet and novelist who claims to have once been bin Laden's sex slave, wrote in her just-released autobiography, Diary of a Slave Girl, that bin Laden was so in love with America's favorite crackhead chanteuse that he was considering putting a hit on Houston's hubby, Bobby Brown. Guess that's his prerogative.
Four-play: And to top off the day's news, not one but two stories about men with two penises. A man in India who was born with an extra trouser snake (a condition called diphallus) is having an operation to remove one. Meanwhile, a man in Germany had one added on (an operation Tim Sampson used to call an "addadictomy"). The German's wife left him when he came home from the hospital. A case, apparently, where two heads were not better than one.
Badump-bump. Try the veal, folks. I'll be here all week.
Bruce VanWyngarden, Editor
Which leads me to put on my Dr. Phil face and say what has to be said: It's time for Memphis and Shelby County to start seeing other people. We've tried for years to patch things up, to come to some sort of mutual understanding, but we need to admit that we have irreconcilable differences. We don't even know each other any more ...