It's been a difficult week around here. Due to a glitch in the classifieds department, Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology and The New York Times crossword puzzle were left out of last week's Flyer. I received many e-mails about this horrific screwup. Angry voicemails were left on my phone.
The lesson: Do not mess with people's star signs, and do not leave puzzle addicts without their fix.
As a public service, let me fill in some of what you missed.
Aries: If you had reduced "the hostility, combativeness, and judgmental ire that you personally generate, you would have been far more likely to navigate your way toward prosperity" last week. In other words, calm the hell down, Sparky.
Taurus: There was "a rare opposition between Saturn and Uranus." This could involve rings around Uranus. I dunno.
Gemini: Last week, you were supposed to "create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs." It's not too late. Just do it, and send me a picture.
Cancer: You were supposed to "fantasize about all the paths you will never take and put it in writing." This is called a blog. Don't send me the URL to yours.
Leo: You have the same sign as Barack Obama. Big deal.
Virgo: The planet Uranus came into play for you last week. I repeat: Uranus is in play.
Libra: Last week, Rob suggested that you "run along the tops of cars during a traffic jam, escaping from bad guys as you make your way to a helicopter that takes you to a spot hovering over an erupting volcano, into which you drop the Buns of Steel video." If you try this, please call me first. I want to watch.
Scorpio: Last week, you came to a fork in the road. I sure hope you made the right decision, 'cause, like, now it's too late.
Sagittarius: "Every act of genius, Carl Jung said, is an act contra naturam: against nature." So, unless you performed some unnatural acts last week, basically, you screwed up.
Capricorn: "Uranus ... disturbs our sleep in order to wake us up and energizes us to reinvent ourselves on the fly." Hey, if it's got "Uranus" in it, it's comedy gold.
Aquarius: "Be nothing more and nothing less than who you actually are." Which is boring.
Pisces: "Uranus symbolizes your instinct for freedom." 'Nuff said. I'm starting to feel like Tim Sampson.
Now, a little something for you puzzleheads: 15 Down, a six-letter word for "distant planet." The stars are aligned, my friends. Bruce VanWyngarden
The speaker was Memphian John Gary, and the "this" he was wanting me to keep secret is the Mississippi River
Which leads me to put on my Dr. Phil face and say what has to be said: It's time for Memphis and Shelby County to start seeing other people. We've tried for years to patch things up, to come to some sort of mutual understanding, but we need to admit that we have irreconcilable differences. We don't even know each other any more ...