Let me see if I've got all this straight: General David Petraeus had an affair with his official biographer, Paula Broadwell. It apparently started when she was "embedded" with him in Afghanistan, and they went on long runs together. When she got back, she finished the book, and hilariously called it All In. When Petraeus got back, he was named director of the CIA.
Then Broadwell began sending threatening emails to a friend of the Petraeus family named Jill Kelley, who lives in Florida. Broadwell was supposedly jealous of Kelley. Why? Who knows? Kelley reported the emails to a friend who was an FBI agent. This agent, it turns out, had previously attempted to woo Kelley by sending her shirtless pictures of himself. Clear, so far?
The FBI agent then reported the emails to his superiors, who began an investigation. When the investigation didn't move fast enough to suit the agent, he became convinced it was being covered up to protect President Obama from political fallout during the final weeks of the campaign. So, he leaked the information about the investigation to House majority leader Eric Cantor, who, in turn, called the FBI director to report the agent's concerns.
At this point, Petraeus figured the jig was up. He admitted the affair and resigned. His wife of 38 years was, according to one family friend, "furious." You think?
Then it got weird.
It was revealed Tuesday that General John Allen, who'd replaced Petraeus as commander of forces in Afghanistan, had sent thousands of emails to Kelley, the nature of which was still under investigation as I write this.
I'm not sure what's up with this Kelley woman, but I'm guessing she's one interestingly hot tamale if she's got an FBI agent, a four-star general, and a jealous mistress sending her emails. Hopefully, she's got a free Gmail account.
Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, and the writers at Saturday Night Live are delirious with all this, of course. Coming up with alternate names for All In has become a comedic cottage industry. A few: Shiite Happens, My Sunni Triangle, Misguided Missile, Nuclear War Head, Nice Iraq!, and Coalition of the Willing. SNL added that All In was originally called Just the Tip.
The bottom line (hey, another good title!) is that this is one crazy, convoluted hot mess. But I, for one, am not surprised in the least. What did you expect would happen when we allowed heterosexuals to serve in the military?
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