I want desperately to help Donald Trump. I think I can be of great service to him, his image, his campaign, and his fight against the immigrants he thinks are trying to get into the United States to blow us up. I was elated when he made his "foreign policy" speech the other day and announced that, if elected president, he would put in place a new ideology "test" that immigrants would have to take before they were allowed into the country — to make sure we don't let in, for heaven's sake, any bigots. I levitated. My head spun. My eyes bulged. My heart raced. Actually, my skin crawled, but I ignored that because I really want to help. First, however, I have a few questions for Mr. Trump.
1) Is this test going to consist of questions that have to be answered true or false, or will it be multiple choice? And will there be an essay component to it?
2) I assume it will be the same test for immigrants from all countries, but I don't want to make an ass out of you and me, so can you jot me a quick email to let me know if you need a set of questions for, say, people traveling from Syria that's different than a set for, say, people traveling from Luxembourg? You just never know these days whom not to trust.
3) Are the questions going to be opinion-based or fact-based? Like, "What do you think about baseball, hot dogs, and apple pie?" as opposed to "Who is buried in Grant's tomb?"
4) Will you ask them what they think about Trump Tower? This could get really iffy with the stuck-up French and those smartass, superior Germans, who like that woman president of theirs.
5) Will your wife Melania's family members from Slovenia have to take the test when they come to visit, or can we just skip over them and let 'em on in to save time? I say, make them take the test just to be sure.
6) The trend now in all communications is to keep things brief. Can we keep the test brief for everyone, or is it going to "be huge"?
7) Does the size of male immigrants' hands need to be addressed? Is it okay if theirs are bigger than yours? I'm a little doubtful you'll give them much leeway on this one, given the way things have been going.
8) And speaking of size and hands and such, how are the two of us going to address these giant, naked Donald Trump statues that some damn crazy artists placed in various cities the other day? They may have been immigrants. Probably from Finland or some other punk-ass Scandinavian country. The Washington Post described the likenesses of you by writing, "The eyes scowl, the mouth pouts, and the veiny, almost reptilian skin looks like it was torn off a human-size frog and dipped in bronzer." You know that's not what you look like. And whatever terrorist made the statues put a little, tiny, barely visible ... well, I'm sure you saw the photos and the headlines and the stories and the YouTube videos showing the statues to billions of people around the world. We need to put some questions in the quiz about this. Something to the effect of, "If we allow you to enter the United States of America, do you have plans to create naked statues of me, President Donald J. Trump, with a tiny penis, and place them in public for the world to see? Please answer true, false, or I'm not really sure at this time." If they fill in the last option, keep them out of the country. It's as easy as that.
9) The other big thing to worry about is keeping out people who might decide they like the Clintons. You don't want to run the risk of that, do you? As you have pointed out, Hillary and Barack Obama founded ISIS, so you can bet plenty of the terrorists they trained are going to try to get in one way or another. You better put a question on the test about that. Something to the effect of, "When Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama came to the Middle East and founded ISIS, did you get any special training from them about how to blow up Americans or any other good, Christian people? Did Hillary show you how to make a bomb and bring it to the United States? Answer just true or false on this one."
10) And finally, there's this question about what is in the immigrant terrorists' hearts when they try to come into the United States. What is their real ideology? Why do they hate the West so much? I think the best way to address that is the way you described it the other day during your town hall with Sean Hannity, when you, I think, talked about getting them off the internet. You said, "Sean, when you look at what's going on with the internet and how ISIS is using the internet and what they're doing and what they're doing to us and then you have people in our country that say oh, you can't do that, that's doing something so bad to us, here we are, people — they want to blow us up. We have to be very careful." I think you are 100 percent right. I would just put that exact quote on the test, and if they can figure out the answer, don't dare EVER let them in.