Wow! Unbelievable! Who else draws crowds like Trump? These are my people. There are just a couple of days left until the convention, and I'm doing very, very well in the polls, folks — even though the system is rigged, as I've said all along. But when we get to Cleveland on July 18th, we're going to have the classiest, biggest, most spectacular political convention this nation — or any nation for that matter — has ever seen.
There will be live music from Kid Rock and Ted Nugent, and we're gonna have the most exciting group of speakers since the Nuremberg rallies, that I can tell you. We haven't yet firmed up the list, but we scored a coup in getting Scott Walker, the disgraced Wisconsin governor, speaking on how best to use Koch Brothers money to survive a recall election. Other than Chris Christie and the other losers kissing my ass to be vice president, Walker is one of the few elected officials who agreed to speak.
It's so unfair, folks, so unfair. But we'll have a celebrity all-star lineup that you will absolutely love, and I mean real Americans like Mike Ditka, the always inspiring Coach Bobby Knight, Willie Robertson, Hulk Hogan, Charlie Sheen, Dennis Rodman, and Mike Tyson. We're gonna play the woman card right back in Crooked Hillary's face and give a spot to the old pig castrator herself, Senator Joni Ernst of Iowa. That ought to make them squeal. Oh, I almost forgot Omarosa Manigault, the woman caught lying on camera during the first season of The Apprentice.
I'll tell you who won't be speaking: that coward John McCain, any of the Bushes (because they went into Iraq when I told them not to), Little Marco, and that loser Mitt Romney, who choked like a dog during the last election. And if John Kasich doesn't want to attend, even though he's the Governor of Ohio, well, that's just a disgrace, folks. Believe me.
This room is so full of love. Are the evangelicals here? The evangelicals have been so good to me. I've received the blessings of Franklin Graham and Jerry Falwell Jr. despite my three marriages, allegations of inappropriate conduct with various women over the years, and accusations of spousal rape that appeared in my first wife Ivana's book, Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump. But she was just upset, like women get, and she has since retracted that remark at no small expense to me. You're not hearing a lot from Marla Maples much these days either, are you?
But I'm going to protect your religious liberty, folks, okay? We're going to start saying "Merry Christmas" again at Walmart, because, don't forget, my favorite book after The Art of the Deal is what? That's right — the Bible. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but I saw The Passion of the Christ, and Mel Gibson did a hell of a job. All this "Happy Holidays" stuff? It ain't gonna happen anymore, folks, because this is a Christian nation. And since there is so much unrest and turmoil in Israel, I, Donald J. Trump, hereby call for a complete ban of Jews coming into this country until we figure out what the hell is going on. Wait, did I say that out loud? I meant a ban on Muslims, or Mexicans, or Muslim Mexicans. Or anyone from Scotland. Forget that Jew thing. We love our Jews!
Is that a sign that says "Latinos for Trump"? I love you, darlin'. I know the Latinos are supporting Trump because I have hired thousands of them to work in my hotels and casinos. Of course, we had to separate the men from the women because someone was doing all that raping, that I can tell you. So, we're gonna build a major wall, and who's gonna pay for it? I can't hear you. That's right, Mexico. Because we want to keep out people like that Mexican judge presiding over my Trump University fraud lawsuit. If we hadn't let his parents in, that anchor baby wouldn't be harassing me today. But we're going to bring our manufacturing jobs back from Mexico and China as soon as I can eliminate the minimum wage, because wages are too high, folks. And we're going to rebuild our depleted military, even though the U.S. spends close to what the entire rest of the world spends in defense. We're going to be so tough and so vicious that no one is going to mess with us. And we're going to take care of our vets when they come home maimed, that I can tell you.
I will be a great Commander-in-Chief, although I didn't serve myself. I was never in Vietnam, but I went to military school, which is basically the same thing. I know more about ISIS than all the generals, okay? And I learned about foreign policy from watching the Sunday shows hosted by members of the corrupt and dishonest liberal media. I'm a quick learner and have a very good brain. I went to the Wharton School, you know. I've been informed that really smart people don't need to go around telling everyone else that they're smart, but why not just be honest? Political correctness is killing us.
So, we're going to Make America Great Again, even though that was Ronald Reagan's campaign slogan back in 1980. We're gonna take our country back from Radical Islamic Terrorism (copyright). And in the Muslim neighborhoods and mosques that I plan to surveil, people are going to have to start turning people in if they think something's going on. You know, like in the 50s. Same thing with the Black Lives Matter movement. Hey, is that my African American over there? That could have been a quote from Thomas Jefferson, but stand up so the people can see you. I love the blacks. I feel connected to you since orange is the new black.
But we're going to start making great deals again folks, and if we get overextended, I'll just renegotiate for pennies on the dollar. And we're gonna start winning again. You're gonna get so sick of winning, you'll puke. You'll be so proud of your president and vice president, Ann Coulter. In conclusion, I would like to assure the American people that I have a spectacular penis. There's nothing wrong in that area, I can assure you, except Melania locks the Viagra in the cabinet just in case I come home angry. Here's the story. During the primaries, I, Donald J. Trump, got more votes than the great Richard Nixon did in 1968, and I have heard many, many people say, "What this nation needs is another dick in the White House." Okay? Okay.
Randy Haspel writes the "Recycled Hippies" blog, where a version of this column first appeared.