Stiff Punishment 

An open letter to the state of Mississippi.

I stand with you, my fellow Mississippians, in your latest attempt to outlaw abortion. Abortion is a crime. It's a sin. It's murder and, as such, should be punished with a sentence of death.

But women are not alone in the slaughter of the innocent. Men are also guilty of a crime just as great: masturbation. Some say that the loss of one spermatozoan here or there is the loss of but half a life; still, it is a life "half lost," a prenascent individual half-murdered.

And so I propose a stiff sentence: life imprisonment, without the hope of parole -- or even the comfort of solitary confinement -- for any such hardened criminal whose turgid mind leads him to commit this disgusting, lethal, and entirely antisocial act. No holds barred.

I realize the math here is a sticky subject, because, in fact, millions of microscopic half-lives are contained in every expulsion of the male seed -- so, at first, I had thought the penalty for males should be, say, 500 to a million or so times more severe than that deserved by women who resort to abortion. Ultimately, however, the arithmetic was just too daunting and too complicated and might, in a trial, hamper the efforts of the prosecution. Thus, I decided to proceed as I have.

History tells us the world has suffered more from the effects of male masturbation than it has through the carnage of abortion. Indeed, Nebuchadnezzar, Caligula, Oliver Cromwell, Napoleon, Hitler -- and possibly some of our presidents, congressmen, and senators, from time to time -- have been upstanding examples of the intellectual waste and moral devastation that result from the terrible habit of male masturbation.

Studies conducted by the Center for the Understanding of Our National Tragedy have shown that 98.5 percent of all males under the age of 110 indulge in this primitive behavior -- a practice that has reared its ugly head even at the highest levels of the corporate world. (How many times have people been told they could not talk with a CEO because the executive was "in a meeting"?)

We are faced with a huge and growing problem that needs to be taken in hand immediately before it overcomes us as a Christian nation. From the statistics cited above, we know that 1.5 percent of the male population has not become a slave to the Sin of Onan. But statistics, like so many things, can be manipulated. For instance, among this 1.5 percent, how many use -- or have used -- condoms? That's just as horrible, perhaps more so, than male masturbation: the idea that any decent citizen -- male or otherwise -- could consign multitudes of tiny half-lives to the torture of a slow death in a rubbery tomb tossed to the side of a lonely road.

As a civilized society -- and particularly as males -- we owe it to ourselves to get a grip on the problem before it becomes too big to handle.

Statistics provided by the Coalition of Concerned Kick-boxers, a respected organization of internationally recognized athletic supporters, reveal that, though the incidence of sexually transmitted disease is lower in areas where the incidence of male masturbation is highest, that benefit alone is not a reason to exempt males from responsibility for at least half "the crime" now being committed by women through abortion.

And so, I call on Governor Haley Barbour -- who, more than anyone else, has his hand on the pulse of this throbbing issue -- to, please, before he makes that final stroke with his pen, consider, in the name of all that is fair and just, writing into law the criminalization of male masturbation as a vital part of this important, timely anti-abortion bill soon to be presented to him for his signature -- before the opposition can blow it all out of proportion.Sincerely,

John Pritchard Sr.


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