The Cheat Sheet
by Michael Finger
A full-scale replica of the Niña, one of Christopher Columbus' ships that he used to "sail the ocean blue in 1492," docks in Memphis on its journey down the Mississippi to Baton Rouge. With so many reports today on Americans' growing ignorance of history, we just wanted to be clear: No, it's not the real one.
A man steals a truck in Tipton County but, during his getaway, falls asleep behind the wheel and plunges into a ditch. Police nab him a few miles away. And now he'll be able to get plenty of sleep in prison.
An alderman in Covington, Tennessee, wants to outlaw low-hanging jeans that expose the wearer's underwear and, in some cases, other private parts. "In my day," he tells reporters, "that would have been considered indecent exposure." But what does he plan to do about carpenters and plumbers who expose their "butt cleavage"?
Casting agents are in town looking for someone to play the role of Michael Oher, a young man who overcame neglect and abuse to eventually become a damn good football player for Ole Miss. It's an inspirational story, but filling the role might be just a tad difficult: The star needs to be about 6'-6" and weigh almost 300 pounds. Here's an idea: Since no acting experience is required and the applicant must be athletic, why don't they just ask Oher to play himself?
Collierville folks sure like the quiet. They've previously complained about trains blowing their horns, and now the city is offering shock collars to pooch owners whose dogs do what dogs often do — bark. Maybe the town just needs to hand out earplugs to everyone. Or Xanax.
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