May 14, 2006 Film » Film Feature

The Mullet Code 

by John Branston
click to enlarge DaVinci Do?
  • DaVinci Do?
The Commercial Appeal has helpfully assembled a blue-ribbon panel of experts to help you decipher the most important movie of all time: The Da Vinci Code. However, we’re guessing that that panel will totally miss the most important Da Vinci revelation of all: The resurrection of the mullet. That's right — thanks to a conspiracy involving the Catholic Church, Tom Hanks, deceased Memphis actor Michael Jeter, and Jesus, the infamous business-in-the-front-party-in-the back do is back!

You see, Code star Tom Hanks sports the "Camaro Crash Helmet" in the movie, and it's no accident! According to an article in The San Francisco Chronicle, Hanks' hideous hairiness is all part of a conspiracy by the Catholic Church. Think about it: Jesus wore one.

Here’s writer Peter Hartlaub’s theory: "Where do a lot of people with mullets end up? In prison. What was the only movie where Hanks played a prison guard? The Green Mile. Who did Hanks' Green Mile co-star Michael Jeter play in Sister Act II: Back in the Habit? Father Ignatius. And who, ultimately, gave Father Ignatius his orders? The Vatican.

"Could it be clearer what is behind this?" Hartlaub continues. "The Vatican, after hiding for centuries the true story that Jesus had a mullet, conspired with hundreds of celebrities in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s to make the haircut popular so they could reveal the truth."

Scary stuff. Read more here. And to see the bizarre lengths to which this plot extends, go here.

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