I shouldn't do this, because it's already scary enough. Not being a morning person, by any stretch of the imagination, and having a brain that has a lot of trouble shutting down, I wasn't really all that surprised the other morning when I — after having been up for a good while, mind you — walked into my kitchen, peered around to make sure it was raccoon-free, bumped my head on the cabinet door, placed my coffee into the microwave to reheat it, and typed my debit-card PIN code into the timer.
And then just stood there, wondering what had gone wrong.
Obviously, I am suffering from some kind of disturbance of the brain (we won't even go there), but I am chalking it up to information overload due to social media, print media, broadcast media, email, Gmail, snail mail, instant messaging, Google alerts, Facebook and Twitter notifications, push notifications, LinkedIn requests, LinkedIn endorsements, Facebook messages and friend requests, and ... well, the list goes on and on. AND ON.
I'm not sure if this onslaught is my fault for becoming involved in some of these things. I got something called a "pingback" for the first time the other day, and I just walked out of my office and smoked half a pack of cigarettes.
It's mind-boggling to me. I rarely use my personal Facebook page but checked it recently for something, and there were over 500 friend requests. So sorry if you sent one to me, and I never responded — if, that is, I actually know you. For the most part, the requests are from people I have no recollection of ever meeting. Same with LinkedIn. Who are you people? I mean, thanks for the requests and endorsements, but who in the hell are you? Same with Facebook and all the other channels. I don't want any more friends than I have now, so shoo!
But back to why I mentioned I shouldn't do this stuff: Mainly, it's because I don't really have anything to say or write — except Happy Birthday to my little baby friend Tereus of Ballinger's Gas Station fame, who weighed approximately a pound and a half when he was born almost a year ago and is now wearing clothes for 24-month-olds and turns 1 next week. It was a long story about a city coming together, and if I know you, I'll happily explain it to you in person.
I don't have anything to say or write, but I do have a lot of questions this week, and I ask anyone reading this to feel free to contact me via any means you like to help me understand some things.
First off, why is everyone crapping broken bottles about Hillary Clinton's emails? Who cares? I'd say her emails are her business. Yes, even as secretary of state. We are dealing with a country that is ignorant enough to consider letting Donald Trump take office as president, so why should anyone need to know what's in her emails? They don't deserve to know and they probably wouldn't understand them anyway. If the GOP wants to go through some emails, let them go through mine. Let them read about women who want to meet me, cures for erectile dysfunction, what J.C. Penney Home has on sale in its "designer" department, which animals are being slaughtered, which petitions need signing immediately or the world will end, why I should join a dating service, and how many times a day the Jenner family takes a dump. They can have full access.
Speaking of which, and I have asked this many times, would someone please tell me who the Jenner family is? I applaud Caitlyn for her sense of humor and her incredible self-marketing strategy in the midst of having a sex change, but who is she? Was she some kind of athlete? I still have no idea.
What exactly are we going to do if the aforementioned Trump should actually, miraculously, and bizarrely be elected as president? I haven't really given that any serious thought because it seems so absurd, but he ain't slippin' in the polls, and it looks like everyone else is. Tea Party freaks: How do you think this is actually going to work if he is elected? Do you honestly think this reality show host can successfully run the country? I'm serious. Get on the comment field online at the end of this column and explain this to me.
Why are Memphis drivers even worse now than they have ever been, and why is there so much more traffic in the city than usual? Memphis has always been so famous for its horrible drivers that it's almost boring to talk about at this point, but why is it worse than ever? Is it the bike lanes, interstate construction, younger drivers, more drivers, the new flyovers (and who designed those)? Am I the only one who is noticing this? Does anyone else not see people driving 60 until they come to some train tracks and then come to a complete stop to ramble inch-by-inch over them and then floor the accelerator back to Autobahn speed on Southern, where the speed limit is 35?
Whatever. Just text me several hundred times with your answers. Or send me a notice on LinkedIn. Or via Facebook Messenger. Just don't do it early in the morning.