The Rant 

12/22 - 12/28

Have yourself a Crazy Little Kwanzaa! May your Hanukkah Be Bright! Or just say Merry Little Christmas and that you can't get a needle up your you-know-what ... tooo-niiiight. You holiday people are so wild and crazy. All the fuss about how to greet people and advertise all that garish crap you run out and trample each other in the aisles to buy is really pretty hilarious. The mere fact that "Happy Holidays" is a plural phrase that covers more than just December 25th seems to have been lost on the psyche of the great unwashed. The saying is not, as many of you would maintain, a single greeting for that single day. It starts around Thanksgiving and ends around New Year's Day -- to most normal people, anyway. So what's so wrong with saying "Happy Holidays"? To say "Merry Christmas" on December 25th makes total sense to me. After all, that's when you people have decided that was the day Christ was born, even though there's no real evidence to prove it. But, you know, have your day. No problem. I've never made a big secret of the fact that I don't even acknowledge the way Christmas is celebrated. And I especially love the argument now over whether the traditional decoration is the "Christmas tree" or the "holiday tree." I call it a "murder." Why in the world would a society celebrate the birth of the most gentle person in history by going out en masse and chopping down beautiful, healthy green trees? It's not like they are going to starve to death from overpopulation, like deer. If I died and all of my friends went out and chopped down trees every year on my birthday, only to drag their dried-up, dead branches out to the curb a couple of weeks later, I'd come back and haunt them like they wouldn't believe. It would be worse than George W. Bush spying on you. (You have no idea how much I hope he's been listening to my phone calls and hearing me refer to him as "she" and listening in on the things I say about Condoleezza Rice's hair.) It would be worse than having your life placed in the hands of a woman-groping ex-movie actor whose only claim to fame -- prior to somehow winning a gubernatorial election in California and allowing the execution of a reformed criminal -- was mumbling his way through a bad action-adventure movie called The Terminator. Ah, the American justice system at its finest. No wonder the rest of the world looks up to us for guidance and loves the way our government works. I just hope those poor, uncivilized people in, say, Holland will learn from us. But if I were to croak and someone went out and chopped down an innocent tree on my birthday and I haunted him or her for as long as possible, it couldn't under any circumstances be as downright weird as the World Wrestling Entertainment RAW superstars visiting the troops in Afghanistan, which was televised this week on the USA channel. While I'm usually not one to comment on a show without seeing it, I must say that from the 2,000 or 3,000 times it has been advertised on that network (sorry, I had to watch the recent viewers' choice Law & Order S.V.U. marathon) it appears that several large, barely clothed, sweaty muscle men were sent over to entertain the American soldiers fighting in Bush's war on terror. Does this not strike anyone else as rather peculiar? Whatever happened to Betty Grable and Bob Hope? Too white-bread for today's warriors? I can see that. But big, half-naked men climbing all over each other to make the soldiers happy at the holidays? I don't know about that. I guess you gotta just be all you can be. Except home -- and maybe that will happen soon. Unless George W. calls North Korean president Kim Jong Il a "pygmy" again and really pisses him off. Then we're really going to be in for a show.

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