The Rant
by Tim Sampson
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. What in the world were you thinking when you went and blasted your hunting buddy's face with a shotgun down in Texas on Friday? Is it because you've gotten so comfortable with the idea of "friendly fire"? I just hate that for you. Not to mention the guy you shot. But just how did this happen? The report I heard on NBC was that you were out on a ranch near Corpus Christi hunting quail, and a member of your hunting party came up out of the grass behind you and that's when you fired your gun. Did you not hear or see him, or did you hear something and get a little jumpy thinking it might be a big ol' jackalope about to pounce on you? Whatever the case, according to the report, you showed your usual sense of compassion by stopping by the hospital to visit the man, who was stable but in intensive care. You told reporters you were pleased that he was in good spirits, and then you returned to Washington. You know, if I had accidentally shot a friend in the face with a shotgun and landed him in intensive care, I think I probably would be glued to his side measuring every second of his progress. Are you human? I'm surprised your image even shows up in photographs. Which begs another question: The only time we ever see you is when you are hobbling around in your special shoes and using a cane trying to make it from the hospital to the White House or to sneer your way through a speech. What in the world were you doing romping around the ranch shooting at little quail? Don't you have a defibrillator or a pacemaker (certainly not a "peacemaker") implanted in your chest? Would shooting a shotgun not be a bad thing for that? Well, I just hope you are more careful from now on, and you might want to head back down there to the hospital and see about your friend. Now, speaking about a lack of compassion, did anyone see the interview with Emily Hughes -- that little skater girl who is taking Michelle Kwan's place in the Olympics? I know she's only 17 and was probably nervous, but she had little to say about Kwan's very difficult decision to drop out and her very dignified way of making that news public. Hughes said simply that she had respect for Kwan and hoped she would recover quickly and then yammered on and on and on about how excited she was to be taking her place. Ever see All About Eve? She said nothing about how painful it must be for Kwan, nothing about Kwan being an inspiration to her, nothing about her new opportunity being a bittersweet one in that she's getting it only because Kwan injured herself during practice. Maybe I am just getting old and bitter, but she appeared to be quite a brat to me. And what about the Olympics' first gold-medal winner, Texas skater Chad Hedrick? Again, I'm sure I'm being old and bitter and should just celebrate the guy's success and be happy for him, because he does seem like a decent guy. But really. Breaking down and crying and having to consult with his "sports psychologist" before skating because it was the 13th anniversary of his grandmother's death and he had her nickname, "Nanny," inscribed on his skate along with the date of her death? Dude, let it go. It's been 13 years. I loved my grandmother as much as anyone in the world, and she died just a few years ago, but I don't have a breakdown every year on the anniversary of her death. But that's just me. I did almost have a breakdown, however, when I looked up and saw Sophia Loren, Susan Sarandon, and some others carrying a big flag during the opening ceremonies while the Village People's "YMCA" played in the background. First Brokeback Mountain and now music that defined the disco era for a generation of gay men played during the opening ceremonies at the Olympics? I think I might have to draw a cartoon about that one!
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