The Rant 

Oh, I wish you retired military generals would please stop criticizing our secretary of defense, the always-trustworthy and knowledgeable Donald Rumsfeld. Don't you know that to call for his ouster during this important time of war is not good for troop morale? How can you all be so insensitive? Don't you think

the men and women in the Bush administration have enough problems on their hands, what with all the grief they've been suffering because of their spying on American citizens, leaking the names of CIA agents, and leaking other classified information to help convince people that there really was a reason to invade and occupy Iraq? Are you trying to put even more of a burden on the administration's public relations teams, who are living a nightmare right now? You know, despite your military commitment to the country and the times you've risked your lives in trying to protect it, you really are being unpatriotic. And just because you are actually in the military, that doesn't give you the right to question or make bad comments about your former civilian boss. You are all pathetic. Donald Rumsfeld is a sweet, loveable, cuddly man and you should embrace all of his ideas without dissent. Now, I know there are some liberal types at this newspaper who will disagree with me. They will be all on board with the retired generals and will want Donald Rumsfeld to either get fired or be forced to resign because they don't think he has handled the war in Iraq so well. But I think he's doing a great job. And for heaven's sake, I hope the liberals don't draw any more attention to all of the secret memos and e-mails and other documents that are surfacing in which Rumsfeld allegedly approved the practice of torturing and abusing men and women suspected of being involved with the terrorists. We are now in a war like none we've been in before, and special measures have to be taken to keep us safe. At some point, we will get around to actually charging and putting on trial the suspects who have been at the Guantanamo Bay prison for the past several years, but in the meantime, we have to do whatever is necessary to get those people to talk. Even if they are innocent and some of them might just be village shopkeepers who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and were not involved with a terrorist group, we still have to keep them locked up and conduct very special and sometimes physically and psychologically damaging things to them to make them talk because you never know who their fourth or fifth cousin might be. It was the same with those at Abu Ghraib. You can't cordon off and capture several blocks of young men and imprison them for living in the neighborhood where they lived and not use that time in prison to try to get information out of them. I know a lot of people disagree with torture, but again, this is a different kind of war. Just ask Lee Raymond, the former CEO of ExxonMobil, who just walked away with $70 million in salary for 2005 and an almost-$100- million retirement package. Do you think his job has been easy with this necessary war upsetting the oil business? He earned that money fair and square, no matter how you and I are scrambling to fill our cars with almost-$3-a-gallon gasoline. Look, he earned his company $36 billion in profits last year. And it was a year when the company was forced to raise their gas prices way up because of the oil situation. I'd say that company did a damn good job. This kind of corporate success is what makes America great and separates us from all those dysfunctional countries in, say, Europe, where they are so lame they don't even have a system where people pay for their health care. What kind of nonsense is that? How are the big insurance and health-care companies over there supposed to make any money? I hear these liberals in America, who bash their country anytime they get a chance, talking about how everyone in America ought to have easy access to decent health care. Well, if everyone would just go out and get better jobs that pay more money, they could afford it. It's their fault they don't have any. I don't know what all the whining is about. So I am going to call Jerry Falwell and ask him to pray for people to stop moaning about expensive health care, the high cost of gas, and Donald Rumsfeld's handling of the war. It's time we all dressed up in the red, white, and blue and give people credit where credit is due.

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