The Rant 

I think I just had the most grotesque of American moments I've experienced in a long, long time -- worse than the fake news about Ken Lay's death. A massive heart attack just months before he was probably being sent to prison for the rest of his life? I want to see the corpse. But back to the moment ... I hear names bandied about all the time in my peripheral hearing. You know, the names of the new "stars" who make the front pages of all the magazines and pull in millions of dollars a year for essentially doing nothing. I still have no idea whatsoever who the Olsen twins are. I think they are anorexic, maybe, but other than that I couldn't tell you anything they've done except to get their names and photos in the news a lot. Lindsay Lohan? Whatever. Don't know who she is. Don't care. But back to the grotesque moment. I'm sure, like me, you hear the phrase "Nick and Jessica" a lot. It seems they are either marrying each other or someone else or are breaking up -- or something -- and people keep up with them. Well, I recently saw Nick for the first time. He was on the Today show. He was, well, I think, singing. So now I know why he is so famous. He's a singer. The only problem is that he sounded like something from a really bad 1980s high school talent show, and I think it made my little female kitten go into heat. Not because he is hot, but because he sounded so much like a cat. He was out there on Rockefeller Plaza in New York, and the crowd was huge. Lots of "I Heart Nick" posters and tons of teenage girls taking his photograph with their cellphones. There was a lot of screaming and singing along with the lyrics, if you can call them that. I imagine there was a lot of text messaging going on as well and a lot of BlackBerry e-mailing about how handsome and talented they all thought he was. And some Americans think the Sunni Muslims are strange. I still don't know what Jessica does, other than that commercial about some kind of acne medicine in which she assures consumers, "You're going to love this stuff." She bases this on the fact that people from all walks of life, all ages, all races and religions, all occupations, everyone, asks her about or comments on her skin. What a cross to bear -- these constant skin remarks. I have that same problem sometimes. I'll be minding my own business in a dark and smoky bar and it never fails: Someone walks up to me and says, "Wow, you have skin!" I just smile and agree with them. But it doesn't make me rich or famous and I'm trying to figure that one out. Now I know that Jessica Simpson is much younger than I am. And she has that fabulously talented sister, Ashlee. At least I think they are sisters. They have the same last name. In fact, they are the Simpsons. We all know that Ashlee Simpson is a great singer. She really should win a lot of Grammy Awards and be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If she would just follow in the footsteps of the mightily talented Britney Spears and smack on a wad of gum while she is bawling her eyes out about not having any privacy and how mean it is for photographers to chase her around and take photos of her driving with her baby in her lap, maybe Ashlee could get even richer and more famous. Or she could just go on Oprah and jump up and down on a sofa. Apparently, that can help make you one of the most famous celebrities in the world. I'm starting to catch on to the process. If you have a talk show where you try to act intellectual and talk down to people, develop a God complex, and tell the world what books to read -- while featuring as guests a pair of twins, one of whom has had a sex change -- then you can become the most powerful woman in the world. If you make some really stupid movies and attack news interviewers and claim to know everything there is to know about psychiatry and you jump up and down on a sofa and show off your young girlfriend to prove that you are straight, you become the most powerful celebrity in the world. This is great. I really have a lot more hope of gaining fame and glory now that I have figured this out. Watch for me on the late shows and gossip-rag covers. I'm American. I can be all that I can be. Just look at Jessica and Nick.

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