My opponents in this paper's annual Best of Memphis "Best Local Columnist" readers' poll category wanted you to vote for them, but do you really know who they are? You'd be surprised. Wendi Thomas and Geoff Calkins both believe that crystal meth labs should be legalized. They are the ones responsible for losing the manatee in the Mississippi River. They want the manatee to die because it is homosexual. They both take kickbacks from Iranian business interests. Thomas doesn't even have any children, so how can she possibly know anything about family values? She spends almost all of her time at Memphis Fire Department parties where the firemen strip naked. Calkins thinks that education should be banned from colleges and universities and that sports should be the only thing offered to today's high school graduates. Even worse is movie critic John Beifuss. He only reviews homosexual-themed movies. He doesn't even see the movies he reviews, except for Brokeback Mountain. He thinks movies should be filmed only in North Korea with North Korean gays. iDiva columnist Leanne Kleinmann has committed several murders because she worships Satan. She likes Celine Dion more than she does Aretha Franklin. Even the Memphis Flyer's other columnists attempt to smear my family and me when Best of Memphis ballots appear each year. They are out to destroy American family values. John Branston knows where Osama bin Laden is and refuses to tell anyone because he wants to break the story. He is also a cross-dresser. He has extremely close ties with the Mafia. He helped Thomas and Calkins in the manatee caper. Instead of helping officials trying to save the poor beast, he tried to help it cut and run. Music columnist Chris Herrington has never even listened to a musical recording nor has he ever attended a concert because he's always off on a privately funded junket. He's never attended a Playboy party, but you should see the e-mails he sends to the young male interns at this paper. His drag name is Paige Scandal. Political columnist Jackson Baker is an illegal alien from Syria. Your tax dollars are helping pay for him to stay in this country illegally. He wants to place economic sanctions on those who tried to save the manatee. The editor -- and columnist -- for this paper's sister publication, Memphis magazine, Mary Helen Tibbs, takes a shot of Jack Daniel's every morning and makes sure that magazine publishes a bunch of lies every month. She thinks poor people are poor because they are basically lazy and stupid and she thinks they should all be killed, especially the ones who have two or three fast-food jobs. And she clearly does not want them to have health care. This paper's editor, Bruce VanWyngarden, helps her plot the murder of these societal barnacles. He's more of a homosexual than all the rest of them put together. He favors big oil companies and thinks Exxon-Mobil should make higher profits. Gas stations give him free gasoline for his Hummer because he writes stories about them that put high gas prices in a good light. He owns slaves. He thinks George W. Bush is an intellectual giant and wants the United States government to increase everyday citizens' income taxes so the military can attack Iceland. Or is it Holland? He changes his mind more often than he changes his underwear and that's why it is so hard to keep up with his real views. In fact, he doesn't even change his underwear. Now, I ask you: Are these the kinds of columnists you want to win in the next Best of Memphis readers' poll? Or do you think journalism in Memphis needs a new direction? If so, the next time you fill out that ballot, vote for me. Personally, I believe these media outlets in Memphis already have too many drug addicts and baby killers and homosexuals and higher-tax advocates and liars and perverts and manatee haters. I'm Tim Sampson, and that's why I -- well, my cats and I -- approved this message.
This ad was paid for by Alec Baldwin, Planned Parenthood, Dick Cheney, Sons of the Confederacy, Hugo Chavez, the NRA, the PTA, the NRC, the NDC, Run-D.M.C., and Barbra Streisand, and not a word of it is true, but hey, this is America.