The Rant 

Given the current state of the U.S. economy — the mortgage crisis, the rising costs of war, the looming recession, unemployment, upcoming tax refunds to spend at Wal-Mart, the lameness of the dollar overseas, the money-laundering more than likely going on in Dick Cheney's office, the money being wasted by people like Mike Huckabee on the presidential election (I'm just not sure how many delegate votes he is going to garner based on his interview this past Sunday with Tim Russert on Meet the Press, during which he defended televangelist Kenneth Copeland's refusal to cooperate with a congressional investigation into his fund-raising practices for the former Arkansas governor, followed by his explanation to Russert about why he and classmates in college used to cook up squirrels in the popcorn poppers in their dorm rooms), and all the rest that is plaguing the U.S and its fight to keep its head above the waters of another Great Depression, it's probably good that the recent proposed law to ban obese people from all-you-can-eat buffets and other restaurants that seat more than five people was not passed. Oh, don't worry. I'm overweight enough to comment on this without offending anyone else more than myself. In theory, it was probably a good idea. But it would have wiped out the chicken-fried-steak farmers, who would then have to go on welfare, and you, yes, you the lean and trim taxpayer, would have to eat the cost. Think of the macaroni and cheese industry. That is big (no pun intended) business not only in Mississippi but throughout the land. The domino effect could have reached as far as the Midwest, and I don't think we want to deprive the people of the Midwest of any food item, lest we have some really angry caucus-voters who might turn on their beloved country. If we're going to punish people who are overweight, we might as well do it right and enact some laws that make more sense. People who attempt to hit the all-you-can-eat buffet and eat more than their fair share could be held for questioning. They wouldn't actually be "prisoners" but would be "detainees," like those alleged terrorists who have been at Guantanamo for six years now. See? They are getting a fair trial, finally. George W. Bush has fixed it so he can set him up a tent city courthouse called "Camp Justice" (sounds pretty gay to me, George; justice for only the campy) and put in his best and brightest yes-men to bring closure to all the chaos down there. It might cost more to hood, shackle, and cage the obese for questioning (more fabric, bigger shackles, etc.), but you can bet that after that third or fourth water-boarding, they would spill the beans (and LOTS of them) about trying to sneak into those buffets and wipe out the dessert bar before normal Amurkans could get to it. Electric shock and sexual humiliation? It's the only way to treat the overeaters. "How many cornbread rolls did you eat??!! I said, how many??!! Okay, this one's not talking. Strip him and get the battery wires!" Jenny Craig couldn't come up with a better diet solution than this — other than showing those constant Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertintelli television commercials, which are enough to curb anyone's appetite. I can see the military's headline now: "Diets Don't Work. Prolonged Stress Positions and Sleep Deprivation Do!" For the extremely obese, there are always the secret prisons in other countries. Not that we have those now. (What? You think our government would really do such a thing? Shame on you and your lack of patriotism.) But we could certainly set up some. Get caught making a third or fourth trip to the fried shrimp and hushpuppy station? Off you go in a CIA-manned aircraft to an undisclosed location somewhere in Eastern Europe for the interrogation of your life! Ooh, and think about the havoc this would wreak on the casinos and their boundless buffets. Maybe if Mississippi does at some point enact the obesity law, we would HAVE to finally turn The Pyramid into a casino for those who get turned away in the Magnolia State. It may be the only thing that's going to make that building thrive. In fact, we could buy the name of a famous Metairie, Louisiana, entertainment district, make sure the money goes to treat those who suffered from formaldehyde poisoning in their FEMA trailers, and turn Mud Island into Fat City. Huckabee's popcorn-fried squirrel might make him enough money that he wouldn't need televangelists to bail him out, and he could be the next president of the good old U.S. of A.

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