Well, this is the last "rant" I'll be writing until after
the November 4th presidential election, and I'm just sitting here
waiting on my robo-call to help me decide for whom to vote. I hope it interrupts me while I'm in the bathroom, so I can let the little voice talk into my toilet. My favorite thing about this whole
desperate campaign tactic is that one of John McCain's spokesmen, Tucker Bounds, said that "much of these calls are based on hardened facts." Much of them? What does that mean about the rest of them? I guess that goes without saying. The other great thing is that McCain hired the same firm to do these calls that made the calls back in 2000 that raked him over the coals when he was running against George Bush, who he claims to be nothing like. I think as an Amurkan it is my right to be able to place a robo-call to John McCain and Sarah Palin. Here are a few bullet points I would like to get across to them:
"Mr. McCain: Would you please have someone trim your eyebrows? During the debates when your eyes get really big and you start looking like you're going to go into convulsions, your little eyebrows jump up and down while you twitch, and they bear a very surreal resemblance to little devil's horns. It's not a great look for someone running for president and itching to have his finger on the trigger of a nuclear weapon. I'll loan the money to have them trimmed if your campaign is broke. Yes, that will make me a socialist for redistributing my wealth, but I'm pretty much almost a Communist already because of people like you, so it doesn't really matter."
"Ms. Palin: I hope I am not interrupting your dinner of moose on shingles. I just wanted to let you know a few things. They say all of God's creatures on this earth have a purpose, but for the life of me, I can't really figure out why you are here. You couldn't even be funny on Saturday Night Live. Even the extraterrestrials wouldn't have you when you campaigned the other day in Roswell, New Mexico. Because of you, they may never visit this planet again. Forget the polar bears and Beluga whales; you alone are going to be the reason for the extinction of crop circles. Do you kill and eat kittens and wall-mount their little heads? How many times in the past week have you used the phrase 'shore up' because you've heard other people saying it?"
"Mr. McCain: Are you nailing Sarah Palin? You always seem to cheat on your wives with younger women. Are you trading young again? If I were you, I wouldn't do it. Your wife, Cindy, is LOADED. And she is so zombie-like that she can't be nagging you much. I'm not even sure if she can talk. She's a snappy dresser and all and could easily be a movie star playing a Queen of the Androids role, so don't cheat on her, especially with Sarah Palin. If you divorce Cindy for Sarah Palin, her husband Todd will have you fired. And when you get tired of Sarah and start fooling around with another woman behind her back, she might kill and eat your kittens."
"Ms. Palin: Why don't you just go ahead and admit that you don't like Barack Obama because he is black and therefore dangerous? Why keep harping on his association with William Ayers? Just let it be known that you don't think 'a colored man' should hold the office of president. Be up front, pit bull. And why don't you come hold a rally here in Memphis? I know of a great spot that can easily hold, say, 20 or even 25 people."
"Mr. McCain: Pretty rotten of Colin Powell to endorse Barack Obama, wasn't it? I bet those eyebrows were working overtime while you watched that. Did you forget to send him a robo-call? And what did you think about his assertion that nothing would be wrong with Obama being a Muslim, as you and your sidekick have tried to make him out to be? Did you and Sarah watch him on television Sunday together so you could explain things to her as he talked? Did you enjoy eating some reindeer and eggs? Did you throw a little temper tantrum and did Sarah spank you for being naughty?"
And so it goes. I can't wait for this election to be over so the robo-calls will stop and George W. Bush can spend even more time, if that's possible, clearing brush on his Crawford, Texas, ranch. Hopefully, we'll never see Sarah Palin on television again unless it's on infomercials for polar-bear sausage grinders. Let the crop circles return!