The Rant 

Did you see him? Dick Cheney on Face the Nation

this past Sunday morning? I was going to just flip the channel as fast

as possible when I saw that he was going to be the featured guest, because in 15 days from

this writing, Ding Dong, the Witch Will be Dead. Well, not dead, but at least no longer the vice president. Of course, he could

be dead by then if he goes hunting again and accidentally shoots himself instead of one of his friends. Or he could just explode. He always looks like he's on the verge of it anyway. I felt relief in knowing that it might be the last time he would appear on television as the vice president. I thought perhaps he might show some feeling remotely resembling humility — stupid me — so I watched the show. It was like watching a talking rectum. He claimed to have no regrets about his eight years in office as veep and that he would do everything over again the same way. We are talking Abu Ghraib. Yes, he was asked specifically about torture, and he said it was fine and that water boarding, in his opinion, is not torture. It reminded me of a song (to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon"):

Dick, the magic honky

Lived underground.

He'd surface long enough to authorize torture

And then could not be found.

His wife writes lesbian porno,

He gets paychecks from Halliburton.

The way his hand is up Dubya's ass,

You'd think that puppet would be hurtin'.

In a few weeks, he'll be history,

And we'll no longer see his fits,

Let's hope he lost the nuclear code pad

So no one gets blown to bits.

But he may be back in the limelight,

If justice should prevail,

And he gets charged with crimes of war

And winds up with a beau in jail.

Or something like that. At least he and his little beady-eyed friend will be gone.

And speaking of the "Barack the Magic Negro" parody, why did the people involved in this have to hail from Memphis? It's not bad enough that the national media brand them simply as being from "Tennessee," which begs the question for the rest of the world: "Do we really run around barefoot down here and marry our cousins?" Is it impossible for the universe to give the rest of us from Memphis a freaking break now and then? I don't know this Paul Shanklin guy who wrote and recorded the funny little ditty, or I may have met him and don't remember it. But come on, dude: "Negro"? Yeah, I know all about the Los Angeles Times article your song is based on and I get satire and comedy and I don't take much of anything seriously myself, but really. Was this necessary? Were you just trying to get publicity? If that was the case, why didn't you show up naked at Cracker Barrel and frighten some people from Bellevue Baptist Church? And your pal Chip Saltsman, also from Memphis, and the guy who sent this out as a "gift" to the GOP cronies he hopes will vote him into the position as leader of the party? How could anyone with a degree from a school as fine as Christian Brothers University end up this way? Couldn't he have simply sent out bumper stickers that read "White Is Right"? I'm not really incensed by all this, because it is all too typical and nothing much shocks me anymore, especially from people who aspire to be higher-ups in the Grand Old Party — "old" being the key word here. You know, like the aforementioned Dick. Do you remember when he had those foot problems and his big white flabby foot was all over the news? That's all I can think about when I see him now. It reminds me of that gross Adam Sandler movie commercial in which he sticks his foot in a guy's face and then smacks him with it. I almost get sick every time I see it, because I think of Cheney's foot and what it would be like to be touched by it. Talk about torture.


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