The Rant 

Want to hear a great dumb blond joke?

Carrie Prejean! Just kidding, of course. Just because the Miss California beauty queen has blond hair — whether it's natural or not — and parades herself around in front of large crowds of people in a bikini and lies about how many seminaked photos of her are out there on the Internet doesn't make her dumb. And even her stance that marriage should be between only one man and one woman doesn't make her dumb. That is her opinion, and she has her right to believe that. What does make her come off as being, uh, less than an intellectual giant is that now, as the spokesperson for the National Association for Marriage, she doesn't seem to be able, as far as I have heard, to get beyond the statement "I just want to protect marriage." It's kind of like Bristol Palin carting her illegitimate baby around the talk-show circuit saying she doesn't want to talk about her personal life but instead (even though it's all about her personal life) she just wants to promote abstinence.

I actually admire Prejean, in a way, for taking such a controversial stand on the gay-marriage issue, even if it does seem akin to slavery and Jim Crow mentality. But if that's what she believes, then it was a bold and brave step to say so in front of the millions of people watching her on television during whatever pageant that was. And because there are so many issues that are far more pressing right now than same-sex marriage, I haven't paid any attention to her since this first started, and she very well may have delved a little deeper into why she stated what she stated and why she let the anti-gay-marriage National Association for Marriage snap her up so quickly as a spokesperson. But this pat and pandering "I just want to protect marriage" crap doesn't really fly. Has anyone asked her what she means by this?

It would seem to me that if she really wants to "protect marriage," the first thing she would do would be to launch a campaign to outlaw divorce. That's kind of a no-brainer. No divorce? Marriage is protected. It's as simple as that. Adultery, spousal abuse, irreconcilable differences? Wouldn't matter. The law would be the law. Just like it is in so many states where same-sex marriage is illegal. Sure, that's pretty simpleminded thinking, but why should it be any more complicated than that? According to most organizations that post statistics on divorce in the United States, approximately 50 percent of all new marriages end in divorce. That's a lot. Seems to me, allowing all of these divorces does not protect marriage at all, Carrie, so what are you going to do about it? Take that tiara off for a minute, scratch your head for a while, and think about it. And then SAY something in detail about it.

The statistics also suggest that money is the number-one reason for divorce. And a lot of the financial problems married couples have stem from raising children, which is expensive. It might "protect marriage" if the United States government put a limit on how many children married couples can have. That would prevent so many financial problems, which in turn might cut down the number of divorces until they are made illegal, and those marriages would be better protected.

Technology might not be quite to this level yet, but what about inserting compatibility computer chips in couples who are engaged to be married for a period of six months before the big day, to see whether it looks like the marriage will be a happy one? I'm sure we're not too far away from that, since we do scan the irises of some foreign visitors' eyeballs at customs to keep a track on their identity and their possible links to terrorism (lest we put the nation at risk again by allowing the likes of Cat Stevens to enter the country). So why not insert computer chips in the happy brides and grooms to be to track them and catch them if they are cheating on each other or are engaged in any other activity that might put their upcoming marriage at risk?

Like I said before, Carrie Prejean and her ilk certainly have a right to their opinions about same-sex marriage. I just wish they had something halfway intelligent to say to back it up. I'd hate for a beauty pageant winner not to get the respect she deserves.

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