The Rant 

I am seriously thinking about becoming an

"end-times" fanatic. It seems about that time anyway, so why not have

some fun with it? Just yesterday, I was thinking that in a few weeks I will be HALF A CENTURY old, which means if I should happen to live one more year after this upcoming birthday, I will have been alive

in — count them — seven decades. Absolutely no offense to my many dear friends who are older than me, but I'm not sure if I can take it, mainly because it's too damn hard to keep up. Just read this:

T-Mobile announced the company's second Android phone, the MyTouch 3G, on Monday based on the HTC Magic platform. The MyTouch 3G is a touch-screen, slab-style smart phone with improved multimedia features, Microsoft Exchange support, and some applications that will be exclusive to T-Mobile.

"This is our next Android phone. It continues our leadership with Android and the partnership that we've established with Google," T-Mobile CTO Cole Brodman said.

The MyTouch 3G will come in black, white, and red. It has no physical keyboard, relying instead on the Android 1.5 OS's virtual keyboard for entering data. It features a 3.2-inch, 320x480 touch screen, 3.2-megapixal camera, MicroSD memory card slot, and built-in video recording and playback capabilities. The phone connects to the Internet via T-Mobile's 2G and 3G networks, foreign 2G or 3G networks, or Wi-Fi.

Come again! I read that and have no idea whatsoever what that could possibly mean. First of all, I couldn't get past the name "Android" phone and that this is the second one. See? "Android." End-times. Why would a phone need a "magic platform"? And how do you call someone if you don't have a physical keyboard? Can you stare at it and think of the person with whom you'd like to speak and he or she appears as a hologram on your wrist or something? And who needs this? Sounds to me like something only the Antichrist would need. Again, end-times.

And what about French president Nicolas Sarkozy trying to ban the burqa in his country? He says the outfit is designed to debase women, and I suppose there's an argument for that, but what next? No speaking Arabic within 20 feet of the Eiffel Tower? Personally, I think burqas look kind of cool, unless they are being worn by white American television journalists. I don't think I've ever seen Katie Couric wearing one, but if I do, it may be time to head for the hills and find a cave to wait out, yes, the end-times.

Here are some other things I, personally, am going to watch out for:

That guy on paid programming who looks just like John Waters and talks at length about colon cleansing and sells his colon cleansing product. If you haven't seen this guy, you absolutely must make it a priority. It is mesmerizing. He talks very casually about his young daughter's bowel movements being the size of his arm, because she has a young, clean colon. And his favorite thing to discuss seems to be how much fecal matter was found in celebrities' colons when they died. When we start to see and hear more about this or if it becomes part of the mainstream consciousness, well, time to get a new credit card and live it up because the end is near.

I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!. I don't think this needs much explaining. This is humanity gone so repugnant and so wrong that it's almost a no-brainer that the world is coming to an end as we know it. It is definitely a sign that the masses who embrace it no longer serve a purpose on this planet.

Dick Cheney. I wanted to put his name in the hat, because someone wrote a letter to the editor of this paper last week congratulating me for not mentioning him and how disgusting he is in my last column on this page. Talk about your garden-variety Antichrist! The guy is a poster child for Armageddon.

North Korea. Why in the world do they want to bomb Hawaii? Why do they want to bomb anyone at all? Whassup with that? They sure are testy for such a tiny little country.

Sarah Palin in 2012. Just like herpes, she keeps coming back over and over and over. Now it's David Letterman with whom she's at war. She can't talk about policy and issues so she has to aim her moose-sniffing senses toward him. They should duke it out on I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!. As long as it's going to be the end of the world, we might as well have reality television finally end with something remotely interesting, something it has yet to achieve.

So there you have it: Sarah Palin in a burqa strapped to a Korean missile flying toward David Letterman wearing a Dick Cheney mask. I'm counting down the days.

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