I am so worried about Jon and Kate Gosselin. I don't know what to do except wring my hands and worry myself into the fetal position. Of course, I don't know who they are, but still it looks like I should be very, very upset about what is happening to them and their television show. Are they still married? Are they separated? Is Kate going to be okay? Is Jon out of the show? It's all so spellbinding I just can't wrap my brain around it.
Would someone please tell me who these people are and why they seem to be invading my television screen during the times that Law & Order reruns aren't on? It's so American to try to watch a "news" show that runs a story about hungry children one minute and about these two people and whatever it is they are doing the next. I blame them for Gourmet magazine going out of business after 68 wonderful years.
Yes, an American institution down the toilet, while these two grab headlines every time one of them takes a dump.
I wonder if they have "de-friended" each other on Facebook. I also blame Facebook for the demise of Gourmet. I bet not enough people clicked "Like" on the magazine's Facebook page because they were busy wondering when Kate, whoever she is, was going to do something about that hair of hers that looks like someone on acid got hold of it with a pineapple peeler. Or they were just too busy Facebooking their friends to let them know whether they had a good dump or not.
I hate Facebook and I wish it would go away forever. I use it for work purposes and that's okay because it costs only time, but otherwise, I think it stinks. I shouldn't write something so mean, because someone sent me a really nice message on Facebook the other day, about the 20-plus years I've been writing for this paper, and it was very sweet and I was flattered and happy to get it, but I couldn't have gotten it without logging in, entering a password, checking this and checking that and accepting the note and ... well, I hope you get the picture. I also think text messages stink. I know people who sit in the same room and send each other text messages rather than just yelling at each other like people should do. And I am very happy that sending text messages while driving is being outlawed. If only they could outlaw being stupid while driving we'd all be a lot safer.
Okay, so I don't really hate Facebook, but I feel such sensory overload right now I'm overwhelmed. And I don't want to hear or see anything more about Jon and Kate, whoever they are. And I don't care about their kids. I don't know who they are either. I just know there are way too many of them. If they are on a television show that pays them and that earns advertising revenue, they should be forced to give most of it to the hungry children whose broadcast news time they are usurping. Life should be more fair. Why did someone come up with that saying, "Life isn't fair"? Why can't it be? Yes, I know it's not, but why the hell can't someone make it fair? Why do Jon and Kate have all the props? What exactly have they done in life to get all of this attention? Who have they helped? What sacrifices have they made? Who in the ever-lovin' hell ARE THEY?
I must be getting old. And meaner. Every time there's an awards show of any kind and time is dedicated to following "the stars" around on the red carpet to check out what they're wearing, I don't have any idea who they are. They all seem to be named Kate, though. Is it some new rule that all young actresses have to be named Kate? There's nothing wrong with the name Kate. I have some good friends named Kate. But they don't pose on red carpets to show off their designer gowns and act like people care what they're wearing. And I wish a fat actress would get a big break. We need more actresses who are overweight. I'm sick of looking at rail-thin people on red carpets showing off their designer gowns while Gourmet magazine is going out of business and everyone is sending each other text messages and messages on Facebook. "Kate wrote on your wall." Well, [expletive] Kate! I don't care. I hope she and Jon and those kids end up having to do community service for the crime of invading my television screen uninvited. Same for the people on the red carpet. They all look exactly alike and not many of them can complete a full sentence and they all have the same name so get them out of my sight. Now. They were all on Sex and the City and I hate that show. And if they weren't on that show, they were desperate housewives of some city. I think every city now has that show and I hate that show. I don't care what those people do. They should be made to volunteer at a homeless shelter and quit griping about life. [Expletive] them!
Which leads me to put on my Dr. Phil face and say what has to be said: It's time for Memphis and Shelby County to start seeing other people. We've tried for years to patch things up, to come to some sort of mutual understanding, but we need to admit that we have irreconcilable differences. We don't even know each other any more ...