First of all, I know that the Memphis Flyer, as a newspaper, doesn't endorse political candidates, but I do. And I am endorsing Randall B. Tolley for judge. He's running for General Sessions Criminal Court Division 7 and he deserves it. He was one of the first civil rights lawyers in Memphis and he is more in tune with constitutional rights than anyone I know. So there. Vote for him early, on July 16th, or on Election Day, August 5th. He'll be a totally great asset to the local criminal justice system, and we need him.
Next, I am endorsing Alvin Greene to become a Democratic U.S. Senator of the state of South Carolina. If the Republicans who obviously planted him in the primary election that he won want to play games, then we should take off the gloves and get Greene prepared for the fight. Hey, he's a United States Army veteran, lives with and cares for his ailing father, and he's unemployed. Sounds like an everyday kind of guy to me and maybe he's just what we need. Even though he has never campaigned for office and his filing fee was likely paid for by the Republicans who think they now have the race in their pocket, it just might backfire on them. And as for his pending obscenity charges for allegedly asking a woman to look at some porn on his computer, how is that so much worse than the former governor sneaking off to South America to be with his mistress and telling his wife — and the world — that she is his soul mate? And I don't recall hearing anything about Greene tapping toes with another man in an airport bathroom. Or sexually harassing his interns while running for office.
Nah, let's let the last laugh be Greene's and let him win the election. And what a great opportunity. The Democrats have the chance to groom this man and let him take on issues no one else has the 'nads to address. He could run on the platform of legalizing and taxing marijuana and thereby vastly improving South Carolina's economy. He could ensure that hate crimes get prosecuted efficiently and with a lot of jail time. He could end the cycle of poor people getting arrested for driving on suspended licenses to get to work and back (actually, the aforementioned Randall Tolley will likely do that too). He could ban Sarah Palin from visiting the state, boob job or not (I could have lived a fulfilled life without having heard about that). He could stand on the Senate floor and tell BP CEO Tony Hayward, who just "wants [his] life back," that his life is a piece of crap and always will be for being so smug about the devastation his company has caused for so many thousands of people and an entire generation of wildlife. He could tell Visa, Master Card, and every other credit card company that they will not be allowed to raise one South Carolinian's interest rate by 30 points for making a payment one day late. He could welcome all immigrants and make it easy for them to get United States citizenship and he could stop all business relations with Arizona until it does the same. I'm telling you, this guy could be a total hero. And the big joke would be on the imbeciles who planted him in the race, thinking he wouldn't stand a chance against the Republican opponent.
So, everyone in South Carolina, get out and vote for Alvin Greene for U.S. Senate. He's definitely a Washington outsider, which is what the Tea Baggers have been wanting all along, so, Tea Baggers, this is your chance, too, to have a fresh voice go to Washington — a man who served in the military and now cares for his sick father. This is what you've been asking for: a real person who doesn't owe any political favors to big interest groups or other politicians. If you don't vote for him, you are all hypocrites, not that you aren't anyway since half of you live off the government you hate so much. Show you have some originality for once and get this man in office. He's a whole lot better than Strom Thurmond was.
This is a guy for whom I would volunteer if I lived in South Carolina. And if anyone from South Carolina by any chance is reading this, do your best to get him elected. Put up yard signs. Put bumper stickers on your cars. Donate money to his campaign. Go door to door asking others to vote for him. And vote for him yourselves on Election Day. This might just be the most important Senate race in the country.
Which leads me to put on my Dr. Phil face and say what has to be said: It's time for Memphis and Shelby County to start seeing other people. We've tried for years to patch things up, to come to some sort of mutual understanding, but we need to admit that we have irreconcilable differences. We don't even know each other any more ...