The Rant 

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When the seasons turn, imagine hordes of illegal aliens streaming across the U.S. border dressed in their bizarre native garb and speaking in a foreign tongue, straining our social services and imposing their criminal ethic on sovereign citizens legally in this country.

It wouldn't be the first time illegal drugs and contraband flowed undetected over that border and into the lives of everyday Americans, along with the accompanying violence that's always part of the deal. It's a frightening thought to envision roving gangs of disaffected Quebecois, crossing the Canadian border on snowshoes and wearing toques, speaking crude French slang, and overwhelming border towns like Buffalo and Rochester, hanging out in the parking lots of the Home Depots with huge snow shovels looking to clear someone's driveway and take a job from an American.

And who can stand that whining music they listen to: Celine Dion and Bryan Adams? During Prohibition, our porous northern border was the gateway for Canadian hooch from the forerunners of the soul-stealing Seagram's empire, just as today it is the entryway for the demonic "B.C. Bud" and the Manitoba drug cartels. Their entertainers, from Alex Trebek to Howie Mandel, have taken over television, while alien seductresses like Pamela Anderson come all the way to California to portray a lifeguard bouncing her way into our, er, hearts.

No wonder our economy is in the crapper, when Canadians can smuggle their cheap, socialized pharmaceuticals into our country and sell it for half the cost of the identical product here. Busloads of Canadians are trying to escape their evil, Marxist health-care system to come here and have lots of unnecessary tests performed in substandard emergency rooms that serve the uninsured. There are even cabals of subversive comedians, led by Martin Short and Jim Carrey, who try to set the American standard for what's funny.

This Canadian invasion has reached a tipping point, and true patriots want immediate governmental action to end this outrage. I demand that the fortifications protecting us from Canadian women sneaking into Detroit to have American babies become the president's top priority. The only good to come out of this breach in our northern border is the proliferation of Canadian restaurants. And their work ethic, of course.

But when these illegals come into this country and take these rare jobs, what do they do? They don't spend it here. They send their money back home to support their families. The underage, risqué singer Justin Bieber comes to this country, makes a fortune, and sends it right back to his people in some province called Ontario. If he gets sick on tour, he's got the best medical care the government can offer, and he doesn't even pay taxes in this country. Same thing with hippie surfer Keanu Reeves, who portrayed an average American teen in the Bill & Ted's movies, but then I discovered he was not only born in Lebanon, he starred as Prince Siddhartha/Lord Buddha in Little Buddha. At least this Beatleboy Bieber pays taxes somewhere. For all we know, this "transplanted" Lebanese Canadian Reeves could be funding al-Qaeda with his Hollywood money. Plus, I heard he's part Hawaiian, so there's got to be something up with his birth certificate. Is it difficult to draw the conclusion that Reeves has settled in California with the intention of raising "terror babies" that will automatically be American citizens, as Texas representative Louie Gohmert has suggested? Is it just a coincidence that suspect leftist superstar moms are already raising North Vietnamese children?

That's why I'm so grateful to the group of Republican senators who so revere our Constitution that they are prepared to change it in order to stop what Lindsey Graham calls the policy of "drop and leave." These Canadian women will squat in the bushes like Sacajawea just to have an "anchor baby" that leads them onto the fast track for welfare. Senator Kyl of Texas, Kentucky's McConnell, Iowa's Grassley, and — since it's an election year — John McCain of Arizona have all called for a "review" and potential revocation of the 14th Amendment, which grants American citizenship to those born within our borders.

The tough thing about repealing the 14th Amendment is that it also deals with that "equal protection under the law" business. In these turbulent times, however, perhaps "equal" protection is a little too much for the Mexicans and Muslims to expect. It takes a trained eye to spot a Canadian. The best way is to drop a hockey puck in a crowd and see who dives for it.

Ginning up immigrant xenophobia failed to work for the Republicans the last election cycle, and it will fail again this time. Right-wing candidates for office have offered solutions as varied as internment camps and mass deportation. But most people still come here illegally because they know there are employers who will hire them for more than they can make at home, be it in Alberta or Mazatlan. Americans have forgotten the struggles of Cesar Chavez and his United Farm Workers or politicians like Bobby Kennedy, who championed not only their cause but their dignity. It's easier to call them all drug mules or arms smugglers than people just trying to scrape by on this earth with their hands.

Wouldn't it be weird if one day we found out that God was really on Mexico's side all along and that "Manifest Destiny" actually pertained to them, and that's why they are this nation's fastest-growing demographic? I guess when Latinos become the country's majority, we'll let them deal with this encroaching Canadianization of the good old U.S. of A.

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