The Rant 

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Tim Sampson is a frequent contributor to the Memphis Flyer, offering his expert opinion on a wide variety of topics, despite the fact that none of his opinions are based on facts. He is a recent convert to the Tea Party and is offering his Tea Party-biased thoughts based on the premise that all Americans have the right to be free thinkers, even though some of them can't figure out which institution of higher learning they actually attended after maybe, or maybe not, graduating from high school.

I'm not sure which I'm ready for first: retiring to a place so far hidden in the woods that even telemarketers can't find me or just embracing the Rapture with arms so open it might come even more quickly than it so far seems to be headed.

Not that I care too much about mainstream politics anymore (if there still is such a thing), but by the time this appears, the November 2nd elections will be said and done. I didn't even realize they were so close at hand, since I didn't vote early or anything like that, because I was too busy just keeping hope alive. But the other day I started reading a little bit about them, and I got interested. And now I want all of the Tea Party candidates to win. Every single one of them. Yep, I think it's their turn.

Why, I ask you, shouldn't that highly intelligent Christine O'Donnell be all but unanimously voted into the Senate to represent Delaware? Yes, she has told a few minor fibs about her education status and which colleges she attended and how close she was to getting several and various degrees in several and various areas of study, but hey, she has the support of the equally intelligent news pundit Ann Coulter, so what's the big deal about her lying? And of course, during a recent debate, she wasn't able to recall any major Supreme Court decisions from the past 100 or so years, but that doesn't mean she won't be a good lawmaker, now does it? She is firm on masturbation and that is enough for me.

The odd thing is, I can't really picture anyone in Delaware masturbating anyway (can you?), so it's not even that much of an issue. She should pound away not on the sticky issue of masturbation but to more important things, like finishing one of those degrees. I, for one, love her and if I lived in the "Small Wonder" state I would take her advice on anything.

Then there's the local election, which is over now but isn't over for me because I am writing this before the election, or something like that, between longtime political figure Steve Cohen and newcomer and Tea Party favorite Charlotte Bergmann, both of whom are vying for the 9th District Tennessee congressional seat. From what I understand, and I most certainly could be wrong — although that's highly unlikely now that I am on the Tea Party's side, and you all must admit that we are far more right than we are wrong most of the time — Bergmann has been saying that she is going to "whip Cohen" in the race because people in the 9th District are ready for a change.

Well, I just hope that the whipping she either gives or doesn't give Cohen doesn't cause him to have to change his pants. God knows he cares nothing about his constituents, although you never heard him say that during his decades in public office and his years of getting laws passed that have improved life for almost everyone, except, I guess, for Bergmann, who seems to think any leader who does not lead according to the rules of "Christian values" needs to be replaced. You go, Charlotte. I'm wondering if Cohen's "Jewish" values are the reason we, as a nation, are in such a big mess. After all, those wild and crazy people in Yemen reportedly tried to send some really explosive bombs to some synagogues in Chicago the other day. I'm trusting Charlotte to get over there and "whip" them.

All tea-bagging aside, the one thing that makes me ready for the Rapture is not all of this terrorism and the fact that so many people want to blow up things. No, it's the catfish fight going on between the United States and Vietnam. Why is this not a major campaign issue for my fellow Tea Party experts? Seems the tired, old U.S. of A. government is now on the spot for lollygagging around in a sea of red tape while our catfish supply is at risk of becoming not real catfish but an abundance of the Vietnamese fish called basa and tra, which have the same type of whiskers as catfish. This is an atrocity. First Abu Ghraib, then those "bastards" at CBS in Alaska, according to Sarah Palin, who are trying to find child molesters in the crowds to show how they, the child molesters, are supporting her favorite candidates, and now the freaking government is messing around with our catfish.

As soon as I finish my degrees at Yale, Harvard, and Princeton — and they're just a few months away — I will get back to you on this. Certainly, this is something the Tea Party can handle as long as no one is masturbating on the job.

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