I really wish my maid and butler would stop asking me silly questions about their lives early in the morning, because I am far too busy "trending." I'm doing my part to accelerate the explosion of the planet. I think it's coming.
I'm still not quite absolutely sure what trending is, but I am doing it. I just visited whatthetrend.com to find out what people are tweeting about most in Memphis and a little pop-up informed me that site "is too busy and trying its best to cope." Too busy? Then what is the point? I checked Amsterdam too, just to make sure it wasn't only Memphis that was too busy, which I found hard to imagine, and it was too busy too. I guess the entire site was too busy.
And while I was trying to navigate this latest way for people to share boring information about their lives but couldn't get through because too many were doing it all at once, my little email detector flashed a note at me telling me my Facebook friends' behavior had changed. I certainly hope so! With Facebook friends like mine, who needs enemies? Or enemas? I think I might need a Facebook enema. Flush some of you ne'er-do-wells out.
So if the latest technological slash social media slash information sharing slash telling your friends and co-tweeters what you think of Lindsay Lohan drinking alcohol-laced tea while locked in her own home by the fuzz site is too busy, does that mean the world is going to explode any minute? Are we reaching a critical mass where just one more ethernet comment might cause a massive earthquake at the center of the earth and bust it all up? Lindsay! Go ahead and have another cocktail! It's all about to be over anyway!
But back to trending. I want to know if any of you loyal readers are trending and what you are trending about. I need MORE input in my life. It's not enough to walk around with an iPhone and an iPad and charging cords wrapped around my wrist like I do in the mornings while trying to put one foot in front of the other just to get out of my house without stepping on a cat or knocking over the refrigerator on my front porch. I need to know what you are doing and when you are doing it and why you are doing it and who else knows you are doing it and if your sisters are doing it for themselves. I don't have enough to think about as it is. I need to know if you've seen the latest Julia Roberts movie, Shit, Shower, Shave, Die.
Okay, so I was bored with thinking about your trending and got back to my own and checked that email that flashed on my screen while I was trending earlier. You don't think the world is about to explode? Ha. Get a load of this from Facebook. "Approaching 700 million world wide users - 12 million NEW users in May! - 770 BILLION page views each month - Average user visits the site 40 times per month - Spends an average of 23 minutes per visit - 9 billion hours spent on Facebook each month - 200 billion users access Facebook via mobile app - Average user creates 90 pieces of content each month – 30 BILLION pieces of content are being shared each month." All of this and there is STILL no cure for male-pattern baldness. WTF? AND whatthetrend.com is still too busy to tell me what people in Memphis are trending about. Could it be the 770 BILLION page views on Facebook eating through the earth's terrain? Somebody text me an answer, stat!
Back in the days when we started this paper, I used to be afraid of technology, and I had to ask someone what it meant to "boot up" a computer. That was the trend back then. A "blog" was something you threw up or picked out of your hair in the morning after staying out too late at J-Wag's. Now I can check on what's trending in Bandung and find out that it's some hot dancer's birthday and that she is thanking God for something. Could someone please tell me exactly where the hell Bandung is so I don't have to look it up in a Wiki search? I am far too busy. Surely, one of you has this information on one of your 770 BILLION page views. Would one of you send me the 30 BILLION pieces of content and share this with me? I swear, I didn't know there were enough people in the world for all of this craziness. But then I didn't know anyone really lived in North Dakota until I saw all of the horror stories about the flooding there. Yikes.
Oh, there's my butler, Chauncey, again, asking me what I would like in my coffee. "Don't be ludicrous, Chauncey!" I scream at him. "I just IM'ed the coffee maker and had it done automatically. Can't you see that I am busy trending about the color of the lentil soup I had at the Wi-Fi café last evening and my unnatural thoughts about Alec Baldwin becoming mayor of New York City??!! Now, leave me be! Someone just poked me and I have to poke him back. It's the trend."