The Rant 

I know this has become a very clichéd thing to ask, but in light of President Obama's personal statement affirming that same-sex couples should be able to legally marry, I was thinking, what would Jesus have done?

Aside from ignorance, bigotry, fear, and the idea, according to the head of one of those "family" organizations, who said on national television that gay marriage would hurt the economy (can't make that up), the only halfway, and I mean halfway, understandable reason for anyone to oppose gay marriage is because of religious views. I can kind of understand that, or at least I thought I could, until I actually researched and read some of the verses of Leviticus, including the one that states that it's an abomination for mankind to lie with mankind as he would lie with womankind. But it wasn't easy.

First of all, there are about eight million different versions of the Bible, so which ones are you gay-marriage opponents using? As far as I can tell, the original never mentioned the word "homosexuality," but subsequent versions go so far as to mention "anal sex." Is that the one to which you turn for guidance? I'd be really careful if you are.

Secondly, who wrote the original book of Leviticus? I can't figure that one out. Was it just one man or did a whole group of men get together and figure it all out and put it down on paper? Was it for the entire world, or just the Levites? Whatever the case, it reads like it was compiled by a man or a group of men who'd wrestled around in one too many poppy fields and got an idea for a hallucinogenic movie. I've read all those clever emails about how it's evil to be homosexual but it's okay to stone your children to death, but this takes the cake. Everyone seems to be running around splattering blood everywhere at sacrifices and putting people to death for having crossed eyes or being too short. And the food part of it. Wow. It goes on and on and on about sheep vs. camel, pork vs. beef, even rock badger vs. fish. Yep, rock badger. Maybe if they had really turned this into an epic film, they could have done a sequel titled Dude, Where's My Rock Badger.

While I find all of this tremendously fascinating, it also appears to be nothing more than hearsay. It's just one guy or one group of guys claiming that the Lord told Moses to tell these people all of this stuff. How do we know that's true? You think if I walked into a Mercedes dealership and told the sales guy that the Lord told Moses to tell him to give me a new two-door C-Class coupe I would walk away with a set of keys? Heavens, no.

And therein lies the crux of the problem of the religious argument about gay marriage. Jesus never mentioned it himself that anyone knows of. He was all about tolerance and equality and love and compassion.

So, Mitt Romney, a member of a faith that once allowed multiple wives (which is also outlawed in Leviticus and could get you stoned to death just like eating shrimp on a Tuesday with a whore or a dwarf), explain your opposition to same-sex marriage in this context.

And speaking of being stoned, what is this guy thinking to suggest that legalized gay marriage would wreck the economy? It was Tony Perkins (haha, your parents named you after a gay actor!), president of the Family Research Council, who is apparently on an anti-gay marriage press tour. It was hard to understand what he was trying to convey because he was stumbling all over himself, as if he didn't even believe it himself and was making it up as he went along, but it was something to the effect that this would just add more divorce battles in the judicial system and more insurance claims in health care. He didn't appear to be on crack, but he might have given a little thought to the divorce rate among heterosexual couples before blurting that out. I think someone should wash the inner thighs of a sheep and toss it on his front porch with some candles and a chewed cloven hoof.

I wish I understood politics better so I could figure how states decide which laws the citizens actually get to vote on, like they did in North Carolina the other day when they voted on the ban on gay marriage. I don't recall being able to vote on the Tennessee law allowing people, even gays, to take loaded guns into bars, so why let people vote on gay marriage?

Which brings me to the point about all the criticism President Obama is getting for personally endorsing gay marriage but not fighting for it with a federal act to legalize it. Come on, you sons of sacrificial tribesmen, give him a break. He's the first sitting president ever to endorse gay marriage, and he has gone out on quite a limb doing so. As I wrote in my last column, he has to get reelected or you'll have Mitt Romney in office. Once he's in for his final term, watch for him to move on this. In the meantime, don't dine on a rock badger or put your children on the streets to turn tricks and just chill the mollusk out.

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