I would like to formally thank President George W. Bush and offer him my assistance as he tries to maintain control of the White House during his current reelection campaign. I would like to thank him for providing me with a good chuckle, and would like to offer my assistance in the way of speech writing because he is missing some golden opportunities. Just the other day, while court this is better than fiction the Amish vote, he made a stop to rally their support and privately meet with some 30 Amish potential voters in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. I don t know what he said to them, and there s no telling, given his command of the English language, but here s what I would have written for him. Thank you, my potential Amish voters. I want to thank you for sharing Intercourse with me! I want to thank you for making Intercourse an important part of my campaign. If it weren t for Intercourse, I might not even be here today to speak to you. Now, I know you don t have electricity or cars or telephones, but hey, that s what I ve done to the people of Iraq and they re not complaining too much. Well, they are, but I ain t listenin cause I don t really care. Ha ha!! But I do care about Intercourse. And I know you love Intercourse. So I think we can all agree to agree and not disagree or disapprove of or have any problems with Intercourse during my campaign! At this point, the president gets that kind of cross-eyed look and grin on his face and looks around to make sure everyone noticed that he finally completed a sentence, albeit somewhat garbled. And then he continues by adding, I want to tell you something about Intercourse. Intercourse is important to me. It s important to my wife and to my twin daughters, who are now campaigning for me. And I can assure you that you won t see my daughter sticking her tongue out at reporters again, not when it comes to Intercourse. Now, these liberals and gays and anti-American protestors and Democrats would have you believe that they love Intercourse just like I do, but they don t. I love Intercourse the same way my good friend Dick Cheney likes it. In fact, we are both here today because we love sharing Intercourse together! It s just plain fun! Dick and my wife Laura also like sharing Intercourse together. It does a lot for our party! In fact, when it comes to our party, Intercourse is one of the things all of like to share together. John Ashcroft loves Intercourse so much that he and his staff plan to start singing about it at their meetings. So make no mistake. When you re out there riding around in those cute buggies in your bonnets and straw hats, you can believe in your hearts that this president LOVES INTERCOURSE! Then there would be a huge round of applause from all of the good people of Intercourse, Pennsylvania and the Amish would go about their business and Bush might get an extra vote or two that he wouldn t have gotten if not for his speech about Intercourse. When is the man going to hire me? In the meantime, here s a brief look at what s going on around town this week. Tonight, you can have some cocktails and enjoy the sunset with one of the best river views in town at the Sunset Atop the Madison Series
party on the rooftop of the Madison Hotel, with live music by The Billy Gibson Band
. And if you re in town for Elvis Week
or if you live here and just haven t been down to Beale Street in a while, one of the best soul singers around, James Govan
, is at Rum Boogie CafÇ tonight with his Boogie Blues Band.