thursday, 14 

thursday, 14

You know, I hate to use this space for my own personal benefit and gain, but I ve decided to rent my home to visiting guests during the Mike Tyson-Lennox Lewis boxing match if it takes place here at The Pyramid in June. I ve heard there won t be an available hotel room within a hundred miles, and I just want to be hospitable. Plus, if this event is to rake in the millions they say it will, I don t see why I can t get a piece of that action.

So here s an ad for those boxing fans reading this in another part of the world: Lavish Memphis home for rent. Perfect for Tyson-Lewis fans who want something more than a mere hotel room. Older three-bedroom, one-bath classic bungalow within short drive of The Pyramid. Absolutely loaded with Old World charm. Beautifully furnished from years of purchasing rare antiques at yard sales. Fully equipped bathroom with clawfoot tub surrounded by sometimes-mildewed shower curtain hanging from PVC pipe contraption. Must crawl in through opening in shower curtain and must hang onto nearby windowsill to keep from slipping. No other water in house can be running including toilet, washing machine, kitchen sink, outdoor hose or water in shower will be near-freezing. Must feed and care for 14-year-old cat. Must feed Fancy Feast Beef & Chicken Banquet for breakfast as soon as cat opens eyes at 4 a.m. and expresses interest in eating and must feed Fancy Feast Flaked Trout Banquet at night. Feedings cannot be reversed or cat will not eat at all and will starve. If doesn t eat within 10 minutes, throw food away and open fresh can. Do not try to pet if ears are at all drawn back. Must leave kitchen faucet on a slow drip to hit middle section that separates left sink from right. This is the only way cat will drink water. Cannot leave dripping inside the sink or cat will simply stand there and let water drip on head. May turn off drip while taking a shower to prevent hypothermia.

Coffee maker fairly self-explanatory but occasionally must stick wooden shish-kabob skewer through tiny hole in basket that holds coffee filter and coffee or it will clog up and hot water and coffee grounds will seep out and cover all nearby surface area. Must not touch stove and refrigerator at same time if both are on or will suffer mild electric shock. Washing machine also self-explanatory. When using dryer, must clean lint-catcher between each drying cycle. Because lint-catcher is broken in half, must hammer down into slot with fist to get dryer door to close and dryer to operate. Must not use back door leading out of laundry room. Will trip over fallen roof gutter lying across back steps. Also, washing machine drains directly into backyard and causes dangerous swampy area hidden by soapsuds. House complete with five window-unit air conditioners. Two functioning, though one not as well as the other because filter hasn t been changed since Eisenhower administration. All in all, one of the finest historic homes in Midtown Memphis and only $1,000 per day. Please respond to this newspaper to make reservations.

And there you have it. I have to pay for an upcoming trip to Barcelona somehow, and I might as well profit from a big stupid thug like Mike Tyson to make it possible. In the meantime, here s a brief look at some of what s going on around town this week. Tonight, Men Cry in the Dark opens at The Orpheum, the stage version of author Michel Baisden s novel about a bachelor who publishes a magazine called Happily Single and how his life is changed by a woman he comes to know. If you want to get an early start on St. Patrick s Day festivities, the Beale Street St. Patrick s Day Celebration today through Sunday offers all sorts of outlets, including a motor caravan to and from the airport to welcome Irish dignitaries, the Raising of the Goat, Blessing of the Keg, Leprechaun Wrestling, a Pub Crawl, Late-nighters Leprechaun Ball, Miss Shamrock Contest, and lots of live music. Johnny Dowd is at the Hi-Tone tonight. And the Teresa Pate Jazz Trio is in the M Bar at Melange; please go and hear Dr. Tom White on clarinet. Wonderful.

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