First of all, let s get just a few things straight. In response to one Mr. Rik Anderson, who wrote the editor of this paper last week chastising my liberal ways for denouncing Vice President Dick Cheney for telling Senator Patrick Leahy to go f-k himself during a photo shoot on the senate floor recently and later told the press he was quite pleased with himself for doing so: Mr. Anderson, I understand your view. You mentioned something about our children (well, not ours together) already being exposed to that kind of language by way of television and movies and radio and such, and you are right. I just hate that the Vice President is now in the same bunch as those that are spewing all that nonsense. Howard Stern, Dick Cheney, liberal Hollywood actors I guess they all belong to the same pack. But Mr. Anderson, if you have all of the answers, would you please tell me why my bathtub still leaks? (Sorry, inside joke.) Now, then. About the new intelligence the Bush administration keeps trying to shove down our throats about the possibility of another al Qaeda terrorist attack. I m not nearly as scared of that as I am of the fact that Cher is coming to do a concert at the DeSoto Civic Center in Mississippi on 9/11. Cher. In Mississippi. On 9/11. Cher, Honey. What are you thinking? Who is booking you these days? Are things really this bad with the career these days? You can t be that hard up for dough. This is very freakish. Now, then. And I can t let this one go. Sorry. But the other day on Jeopardy, the answer to one of the clues, in the form of a question, was Alex, what is Uranus Come on, people. Help me out on this one. Could Alex not have politely said, Well, it s that part of my body where the poop . . . you get the picture. And it ain t pretty. And I am questioning Cher about her career. And speaking of anuses and careers, once again, syndicated health columnist Dr. Peter Gott (whose column I will refer to from now on as Yo, Gotti! and insist that he answer his letters in rap-style language), wins the week s award for being the most entertaining writer in America. Yep, one of his fans wrote in to report that she had swallowed a crown, and that her seemingly unconcerned dentist told her to chill out and that it would pass through her intestine in 24 hours, adding that That was a week and a half ago, during which time I carefully monitored my movements. Nothing came through. There is so much so wrong with this I don t even know where to start. But the good Doc hit the nail on the head, first by referring to the missing dental work as the maverick crown, and then by telling the worried woman, Without becoming too technical, I can assure you that the act of examining your stools for a foreign object is virtually impossible. Simple visual inspection is not enough. Unfortunately, Dr. Gott did not elaborate on what other methods might work. Then, just a day or two later, Doc got a heated letter from a woman with inverted nipples, angry that he had not responded accurately to a reader with the same problem, who wrote, Believe me, if your penis was inverted, you d see this in a whole different light. Ouch. And then just a day or two later in what has to be his column s best headline Bladder Splatter: Does it Matter? Doc once again espoused his opinion that people need not wash their hands after urinating, writing, Urine is sterile and I d worry much more about what goes in a public restroom before I get there than what transpires when I m there. I m not exactly sure what Doc means by that, but it sounds like of, well, creepy. Not as creepy as the thought of examining one s stools in a more thorough way than visually, but creepy nonetheless. Whew. I guess I had best stop on that note and get to the real point of all this: what s going on around town this week. Tonight is opening night at Theatre Memphis of Broadway by Request, a concert of Broadway hits with special guests Bennett Wood and The Gary Beard Chorale. Tonight s Third Thursdays: Art After Dark at The Dixon Gallery and Gardens features a showing of Alfred Hitchcock s Shadow of a Doubt. The Memphis Redbirds kick off a weekend of games against Iowa tonight at AutoZone Park. Joyce Cobb is performing at tonight s Sunset Atop the Madison Series party on the rooftop of The Madison Hotel. After quite a long hiatus, Orquestra Caliente, the hot Latin music band, returns for a show at Young Avenue Deli. And Crash Into June and Retrospect are at the Hi-Tone.