First of all, let us all say, Lisa Marie, we love you. We know being the daughter of the most famous man in the world hasn t been easy. And we think the world of you for opening the MIFA Presley Place housing units to help homeless persons with their transition to independence. We think it was your business and your business alone to marry Michael Jackson, despite the weirdness of it all. And we think you have great taste for falling in love with Nick Cage. But Honey, we saw your performance on the Today show the other day and, well, had to cover our ears in embarrassment. Yes, you have sold plenty of copies of your new CD, which must have required a LOT of sound engineering, because the performance on the Plaza in front of God and the world sounded nothing like the record. We think it would be in your best interest to nip this notion of a singing career in the bud. Nip it, nip it, nip it, before you become the female Vanilla Ice. We don t want people making fun of you, because we love you. We even embrace the whole Church of Scientology thing because that is your personal belief and should be respected. But to go on television and sound something akin to Cher trying to warble through a muzzle with a mouthful of peanut butter just isn t going to cut it. Our suggestion is that you just go back to being fabulous by doing nothing, kind of like Bianca Jagger. And remember, we love you. Now, on to more important things. It seems that President George W. Bush went into a store the other day and asked the clerk if they sold hot tamales. The clerk, a hermit who never watches television or reads the paper and didn t recognize him, rolled his eyes and asked him if he was one of those people from Texas. George got a little irate and asked, What do you mean, I am I one of those goofballs from Texas ? If I had come in here asking for Italian sausage, would you have asked me if I was one of those goofballs from Italy ? To which the clerk replied, No, probably not. Bush, getting more frustrated, asked the clerk, If I came in asking for and Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was one of those goofballs from Ireland? The clerk again said, Nah, doubt it. Even more frustrated, the prez asked, Well, then why did you ask me if I was one of those people from Texas ? To which the clerk replied, Because you re at Home Depot. Okay, okay. But you have to admit that it could have happened. He might have been on vacation as he is want to do so often, and was in there in the bathroom department trying to find some of those weapons of mass destruction he dreamed up. And speaking of dreaming, I have a new idea for a Bush reality television show: Strip Grammar. Since the mass media has lost all of its gonads when it comes to asking him to make sense when he answers questions in his Bushspeak, a group of them should be assigned to follow him around and every time he makes a grammatical faux pas, they would each have to remove an article of clothing. Like the other day, when he made this statement: On a personal prospective I am very impressed by the vision of the President of Brazil. He not only has a tremendous heart, but he has got the abilities to encourage prosperity and to end hunger. A personal prospective? Could someone please define this? And see, if the reality show media group had been there, that would have been good for at least a few bras and boxer shorts. Let just be careful who we want in that media group. We ll take Maureen Dowd and Matt Lauer, but we don t even want Cal Thomas removing his toupee. Like I said, one can only dream. In the meantime, here s a brief look at some of what s going on around town this week. Tonight, you can celebrate with the Grizzlies at their 2003 NBA Draft Party
at the Fox & Hound as they welcome their newest additions to the team via the live telecast on ESPN, during which the Grizzlies select 13th and 27th overall in the draft. The party is free and open to the public, and features appearances by the Grizzlies dance team members, team mascot Grizz, games, and the chance to win two American Airline tickets to any North American destination. The Memphis Redbirds
start their four-game run tonight against Nashville. The Dempseys
are performing their crazed rockabilly act at Elvis Presley s Memphis. Tonight s Sunset Atop the Madison
party on the rooftop of the Madison Hotel features live music by Holly Shelton. And last but certainly not least, at the Horseshoe Casino tonight there s a show by Tim Conway, Don Knotts, and Louise DuArt
. Now, how can you pass that up?