thursday, 7 

thursday, 7

I see that good ol' Dr. Gott is back in fine form. I haven't been keeping up with feisty physician much lately since The Commercial Appeal dropped his photo from his column and it's harder to find. But this recent message to the ill was a zinger. "Dear Dr. Gott: I have irritable bowel syndrome but my main complaint, at age 61, is intestinal gas. I constantly pass this gas, cannot control it but work in the restaurant industry, which is embarrassing. I'm not taking any prescription drugs and have had no success with Gas-X, Charcotabs, Gas Relief, and other over-the-counter remedies. Dieting has been useless. Can you help me?" And here is what the good doc had to say: "Dear Reader: Probably not. As we get older, all of us tend to suffer from intestinal gas. (Perhaps this was the basis for calling us senior citizens "old farts.") This problem (the gas, not the labeling) can be worsened by intestinal disorders such as IBS. Because you have obviously been under the care of a gastroenterologist (or at least should be), I suggest that you return to him or her for advice. While you are awaiting your appointment, avoid beans and other gas-producing foods, and try Beano, a product that often lessens the formation of intestinal gas. To give you related information, I am sending you a copy of my health report, `Irritable Bowel Syndrome."' I wonder if the writer gave Dr. Gott his real name and address. I really don't think I would have. I also think I might have left out the part about not being able to control a gas-passing problem while working in the restaurant industry. It's just too much. There is indeed too much information out there and some things should remain private. I can't even imagine why all these millions of people are lining up to see the Pope's dead body, which is just laying out there in the square in Rome. I know he was a good guy and all and that people the world over loved him, but what good does it do to see a dead body, and isn't it just a bit creepy to have it out there for a week? It's the same kind of mentality that makes people pile up mountains of teddy bears whenever a child unfortunately passes away. And the roadside shrines to people who've been killed in automobile accidents. It's all kind of gross to me. I haven't jumped on the bandwagon yet and obtained a living will, but let me just say here and now that I do NOT want people keeping me alive and on national television if I become more brain dead than I am now, and I do NOT want people gawking at my dead carcass. I want to be instantly cremated, have my ashes tossed, and have a big fat happy hour celebration at Zinnie's. I'll leave behind enough money to pay everyone's tab. But someone does have to take care of my cat. Yes, the little cat I had even before this newspaper started, and about whom I've written much, is still with me at age 18. Only been sick once in her life. She's blind as a bat and crazy as ever. She screams at me for no reason on a regular basis. I have to put a clean shirt on the bed for her to sleep on every day. No, to whoever inherits her, it can't be the same shirt. She can't see it, but she knows. And she screams. And she is not particular about where she uses the bathroom, unfortunately, so you have to watch your step sometimes if the lights in the house are dim. And you have to leave the water running from the kitchen faucet at just the right drip. If it's too low, she screams. If it's too high, she screams. If you give her a can of Fancy Feast that's of a flavor she's not in the mood for, she screams. Do I have any takers yet? No? Well, that's okay. I'll just take her with me. In the meantime, as I obviously really have nothing to say, here's a quick look at some of what's going on around town this week. Tonight, Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns opens at The Orpheum. Baseball season's back and the Memphis Redbirds play Oklahoma tonight through Sunday. Tonight's Sunset Atop the Madison Series concert on the rooftop of the Madison Hotel is by Amy LaVere & The Tramps. Memphis Brooks Museum of Art kicks off its annual The Art of Good Taste series of fund-raising events tonight with a special Madison Hotel Wine Dinner at the Madison. David Brookings plays tonight at Neil's. And Tommy Burroughs is at Paddy's Memphis Pub, which, by the way, is about the coolest club in Memphis now.

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