Last week, the man who wants more than anything to win the Nobel Peace Prize changed the name of the United States Department of Defense to the War Department. According to an article in Politico, Defense Department officials weren’t thrilled about the change. “It will mean having to rebrand a mountain of contracting, marketing, business development materials, you name it, both digital and otherwise, that specifically cite the Department of Defense or DOD,” a defense analyst said. “It will be costly.”
But cost was not a concern for Mr. Trump, who told reporters, “We won World War I, we won World War II, we won everything before that and in between, and then we decided to go woke, and we changed the name to DOD. So we’re going with Department of War.”
That name change Trump spoke of happened in 1949, when Harry S. Truman was president. I’m from Missouri, so I learned a lot about Harry S. Truman in my youth. I know, for instance, that he volunteered to serve in World War I at the age of 33, and led a combat artillery unit on the front lines in France for two years. I know he memorized the eye chart in order to pass the Army physical because he failed the eye test on his first try. I know he didn’t have bone spurs. And I’m quite sure he would be shocked to learn that the insecure baby-man currently holding the office of president called him “woke.”
Harry S. Truman was a straight-shooter (literally) who valued the truth above everything and risked his life in combat for his country. He knew from personal experience in two horrific worldwide conflicts, that “war” is not a word to be tossed around lightly or used for a cheap political diversion. He would have had no use for a poser like Donald Trump.
Sadly, however, as is typical with the yes-men Trump installed to head our federal agencies, they quickly and predictably followed his lead.
First to step up was head of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem, who announced that Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE) would be renamed Intimidation & Custom Kidnapping (ICK), to better reflect the agency’s core mission. “ICE was too woke,” said Noem. “And ICK rhymes with kick, so it’s kinda bad-ass, like me.”
Not to be outdone, Secretary of Energy Chris Wright announced that “the Department of Energy will henceforth be named the Department of Oil because other sources of energy — water, wind, and solar — are too woke and kill whales. And bald eagles. Also Donald Trump should win the Nobel Peace Prize.”
The next day, at a hastily called press conference, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi told reporters that the Justice Department would be renamed the Just Us Department, which, Bondi said, “is more in line with our core mission, which is to act as the president’s personal law firm, responsible for reacting to any perceived slights with quick federal prosecutions.” In a follow-up press release, she added: “I neglected to mention that it would be a travesty if the president doesn’t win the Nobel Peace Prize.”
Then the dominoes really started falling. The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) became FEM (Federal Emergency? Meh.) Motto: How bad could it be? The National Weather Service was renamed the National Weather — Or Not. Motto: Just look outside, you idiots.
Noted serial philanderer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. changed the name of the agency he heads to the Health and Human Cervixes Department. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), which Kennedy is methodically deconstructing, is now called the Center for Dis-Ease Conveyance. “The new name better reflects what we’re really all about,” he croaked. “Also, two words: ‘Trump. Nobel.’”
Realizing that he was missing the name-change boat, Vice President JD Vance stepped up with a carefully couched suggestion: “In light of the National Guard taking over maintenance chores such as mulching, grass-cutting, and tree-trimming in Washington, D.C., I propose that we change that organization’s name to the National Yard because they’re proudly bringing lawn order to the nation’s capital.”
“Also,” he added, “Donald Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.” Also, I made most of this up, and this column should win the Nobel Piece Prize.