Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps a Woman Who Wants to Keep It Casual

Posted By on Tue, Nov 24, 2009 at 12:38 PM

Dear Bianca,

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months now, but we’ve only gone on four dates. I like him but I recently got out of a long-term relationship, so I’m looking to take things slowly.

On our most recent date, after I kissed him goodbye, he asked, “So where do you see this relationship going?”

Honestly, I don’t know where our relationship is going because it’s way too soon for me to tell, so I wasn’t sure how to answer. I told him “time will tell” and made a beeline for the door. It seems to me that this guy wants more out of a relationship at this time than I do. I don’t want to stop dating him, but I’m not ready to commit. What should I do?

— Cold Feet

Dear Cold Feet,

If this guy asked you if he could move in after the fourth date, that would be a huge problem. But asking where a relationship is going after a few dates is a perfectly reasonable question. It sounds like you’ve just got some serious commitment issues.

If you really like the guy, don’t shy away from his interest in you. Give him a chance, but set some boundaries. Let him know how you feel about serious relationships at this time in your life. Tell him you just got out of a long relationship, and you’d rather not be tied down right now. Ask him if he’s willing to continue dating in an uncommitted, casual way. Since he did the asking, the ball is in your court as to where the relationship will go.

It’s possible that the guy asked about the relationship status because he’s not interested in being tied down either. Maybe he was afraid you were becoming too interested in him, too quickly. Even if that’s not the vibe you’ve been putting off, keep in mind that many guys aren’t too adept at reading signals (sorry guys, but it’s true).

Either way, a simple inquiry into the status of your relationship is no reason to break things off. Let him know where you see it going and move forward. If he gets pushy later, then you can feel more justified in breaking things off.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

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