Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps a Suspicious Boyfriend

Posted By on Tue, Apr 27, 2010 at 12:45 PM

Dear Bianca,

Last week, my boyfriend received a text message when he was out of the room. I heard the alert sound, so I checked it. We’ve been together for five years, so I figure I’m allowed to check his texts.

The message came from a new friend of my boyfriend’s whom I’ve yet to meet. We’re gay, by the way. Apparently, my boyfriend has struck up quite the friendship with this guy. They’ve been hanging out a lot. The message said, “Hey man, want to have a few drinks with me tonight?”

When my boyfriend entered the room, I asked about the text and then he got mad at me for looking in his phone. He insists the guy is nothing but a friend, but when I asked to come along, my boyfriend got angry and stormed out of the house.

He ended up meeting the guy without me, and now I’m worried that he might be cheating. Am I over-thinking this? What if the guy is just a friend? Now my boyfriend thinks I don’t trust him. What should I do?

— Faithful Partner

Dear Faithful,

Though its perfectly fine for gay people in relationships to have gay friends (or for straight people in relationships to have friends of the opposite sex), it’s important for partners to share those friends ... at least to some extent.

This rule especially applies to new friends who come along during the course of an established relationship. If you have old buddies from before you become involved with someone, they’re less of a threat. But if your partner starts hanging out with a new gay friend, you shouldn’t be left out of the picture.

Where did your partner meet this friend? If he’s a co-worker or a member of an organization he’s involved with, that might be less threatening than if this is some guy he met at a club or bar.

Regardless, your boyfriend shouldn’t be shutting you out. That’s highly suspicious. If there isn’t anything going on, don’t you think your partner would invite you out for drinks too? Don’t you think he’d be eager for you to meet his new friend if he was only a friend?

The fact that he got angry when you invited yourself is a red flag. Sit your partner down, and explain that you’re feeling left out. If your partner truly cares for you and isn’t cheating, he’ll understand your feelings. If he continues to turn the issue around on you to make you feel like you’re the one with trust issues, I’d say he’s probably guilty.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com

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