Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps a Cranky Old Man.

Posted By on Tue, Aug 3, 2010 at 1:59 PM

Dear Bianca,

I’m an older gay man who has recently gotten back into the dating scene after several years of being single. Before I was single, I’d dated the same man for 10 years. We shared a house for nine of those years. Once we broke up, I wasn’t quite ready to see other people.

As you can see, I move rather slowly with relationships. I recently met a guy online and we’ve had six dates over the past month and a half. He’s spent the night at my house twice. The last time he stayed over, he hinted at the possibility of me moving in with him!

Now I really like this guy, but there’s no way I’m moving in with him after less than two months of dating. In fact, as a 58-year-old man, I’m a little set in my ways. I can’t imagine changing my way of life to move in with anyone at this point. I’m worried that he’s getting too serious too quickly. And I honestly don’t know that I’ll ever be ready to share space with anyone again. Are my reclusive ways going to hinder my chance at love? Can’t a guy just date someone forever without moving in together?

— Cranky Old Man

Dear Cranky,

Whoa. Slow down. You say you move slowly in relationships, but it also seems you move rather quickly when it comes to freaking out. It sounds like this new guy is jumping the gun about moving in together, but just because you aren’t ready for that now doesn’t mean you’ll never be ready to share space ever again. In the immortal words of Wayne’s World’s Garth: “Live in the now, man.” (Yes, I actually just wrote that).

Have you told the guy about your concerns with moving in too quickly? If not, don’t lead him on by letting him think there’s a possibility of that happening. You should remind him that you’ve just begun dating again and you’d rather not rush into things.

Hopefully, he’ll understand. If not, then he probably wasn’t compatible with you anyway. You need to seek out others who share your need for “me” time and don’t mind living apart for a while. The last person you need is a clingy I-can’t-stand-to-be-without-you type.

That said, I bet you’ll meet another Mr. Right one day and suddenly, the idea of sharing your space won’t seem like such a threat to your way of life. Or maybe you’ll meet a guy who is just as eager to live apart. Don’t give up on love now because you’re worried about what might happen in the future.

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com

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